SimonSAYS
A Love Forbidden
By Erny J.R.C.
INTRODUCTORY
It was looking like a happy family, but this handsome warm guy was not my father.
He is Simon, He was my stepfather.
Once upon a time, my mom Silvia was married to him. He was a caring gentleman, a fuzzy big giant. I never felt like an outsider in front of him. He's more of my dad than anything else. We are close, He always calls me buddy. "Alex! Buddy!" he says, makes my day a little happier..
I walk down as I look at his smiling face. We do many things together, I always felt safe around him.
When I was 18
Simon looked excited.
"You are going to be a big brother!" said Simon as he excitedly hugs me ,and my mom.
Mom just smiled softly and hugs us.
It was very happy, Simon is very happy. Mom was so happy too. The sun is extra shiny, the world looks brighter. I smiled. I look at Simon as he says, "Buddy! Let's go!" as he takes mom's hand.
Those were our happy days. Me helping Simon and Mom build a new room for my baby sister.
"Should we... uh, color it pink?" asked Simon.
"No. Maybe, purple is better..." said Mom.
"I would like it to be blue, just to... mess with people." I said as the three of us laugh.
Then more months, and days came.
Simon was off to work that day. It's early, but the skies; the skies are darker than it should have been. I just shrug it and went to my class.
The class started and I look around, I think I forgot my phone, there is this long, soft rain on the dark dark skies. I have a bad feeling about this; and intuition. My Mom was left alone in the house.
I went inside, hearing something.
"Oh hey! Yes... Yes! Yes! She's our first ever child... No, Alex must not know yet. I want to tell him when he graduated High school..." said Mom as she looks back in shock as the rain, downpours on a strong waves of sounds.
"Mom?" I asked and added as I move in closer, "What do you mean?" I asked her. Mom dropped her cellphone. It was a man's voice. "No, Alex... I can explain." she Said as strong downpour started even more as a small quake shaken us, even flickering the lights.
"What do you mean Simon is not my real father?" I asked her. "I can explain..." replied Mom as a strong quake shook us. "This is not yet the time, but, I promise, I will tell you everything." replied Mom as she takes my hand as we try to run to the door as a strong crashing sound started; everything was black. I found myself, with the rescuers helping me; along with my classmates.
I look back.
Hurled soil and mud from the nearby mountain, caving everything, the 10 houses nearby. Rescuers the whole town tried to dig everything especially my half of my house.I was shocked of everything. I shouted in terror as I feel my rib broken rib cage and look at my Mom, few meters away from me. Cold, pale, and no longer breathing. Simon goes down and goes to my Mother, He wailed his pain out.
That devastated Simon.
After that, day by day, he is hiding away from me. Even now, almost 2 years since then.
He was drunk yesterday.
He was drunk today,
he will be drunk tomorrow.
The disturbing deafening silence, lingers over us for days, then weeks…then months, since Mom died.
The House was fixed, but it's no longer a home.
It was autumn already. He looks at me, "I miss your mom... You remind me a lot of her..." said Simon while drunk in booze. He tries to force his smile, but he closes his eyes and almost cried. I stand up, I hug him, as he adds, "We could've have been a happy family..."
How sad it is to bury two loved ones; my mom and my unborn sister and … I look at Simon, the one I used to know as Dad.
Every day, is a pain… He wants to change too… He tries hard, I… I am trying to help him get out of that pain we two are in. He goes to my old room, which he repurposed into a baby room.
I look at the cradle, where my sister was supposed to be, if she was alive, "Dad?" I said as I try to comfort him. "I'm so sorry, you should have known the truth… Silv and I will tell you the truth after your graduation this year… But. I just, rumbled in, while drunk." Said Simon. He sighs.
"She left…she left forever…" said Simon as tears flows on his eyes, and he just stood still and silent.
I don't want Simon to be alone too. I hug him from the back He rubs my hair as he goes out.
He doesn't have a family or relative, the same as me. We are what closely resemble to a family, to each other. He always goes back from work. He smiled this time, but he realizes, mom was dead. He goes upstairs. He looks at the Baby room again, and again, and again, crying silently everytime. He was too hurt when mom and my unborn sister died… It's hard to look a broken soul… like I am. But, like the seasons, life must change and go on.
The leaves are turning orange, red and yellow as I bike around the light house. I look at Simon. He was near the lighthouse, staring at nothingness of the ocean, on his mechanical onesie, tied to his waist, in a greasy white, tank top, revealing his muscular body. I biked away to the convenient store. And my best friend was there. Kristine... I usually call her Kris.
She is shy but jolly, always the contrasting. When she was with me, she is like sunshine, wiping my misty days to like a warm blanket. I think she likes me... but. She doesn't know the truth…
I return back home on sunset. Simon is asleep on his bed, with his shirt off. I smelled his shirt... That smell, that musky smell mixed on cigar,ginger and citrus perfume. Euphoria! Bringing me lots of joy and… wanting SIMON even more!
Chapter 1: Hidden in the Closet
I wake up.
Take a shower and open my closet.
Closet. Hee... Somewhere I quite hide on; metaphorically. Then I arrange my things and noticed the picture of my mother and Simon 10 years back, I comb my reddish brown hair and put eye drops on my light brown eyes, It run dry, because I was studying too much for the college entrance exams.
I look at the mirror. I look even more manlier now, since I'm almost 20 this autumn. My muscles do tone up because all of those sports I played this summer.
Like what Simon says, "You must train the body and also the mind, balance between the two."
I prepare for the morning. Bacon, eggs, mixed peas, carrots and corn.
Simon goes downstairs from his room. He's naked with a towel. I almost burnt the bacon staring at his twell toned body. Resist Alex! That's your dad! But Alex, he is not your real father though.. I giggled a little but slap my forehead. I face-palmed myself so hard, it hurts.
I sigh and choke my gayness.
"Dad! Put your clothes on!" I said in a strict tone. Simon sighs and say, "I'm just finding my toothbrush." as he goes upstairs. That well exercised body though, mechanics sure do lift a lot. He back goes down again in a tank top and pants. "Better?" asked Simon. "Better." I replied.
Simon looks on the left and to the right. "Silv? Where is my keys... Oh." said Simon. He froze. I walk to him. "Dad! Mom is dead for almost a 2 years now! If you need me, I'm just here." I said as I hug him. He hugs me back then I move to the coat stand, I pick his keys inside his coat. "Here. Just be careful, I don't have a spare dad, okay?" I asked. He giggles a little. "I will. Take care, buddy!" said Simon as he pinches my cheek. He goes out. Oh Simon, he was sweet as always. No wonder, he was liked by everyone. Keep strong Simon.
I eat my breakfast and go to school with my bike.
It was always the women, who looks at me, I mean, yes, I am attracted to such women too like Kris my best friend, I am not sure if I'm attracted to dudes, I know I am attracted to Simon. Maybe infatuated. I don't know.
Kris looks at me as she was always do. "My Goodness; So are you ready to graduate Next Spring?" asked her. "Of course. I'm literally 1-2 years late by my age to graduate," I said to her. "Wait, I just remembered when your family got here, you are still in physical therapy that time." said Kris. "Yeah, making me like like a year or 2." I replied as we look at our rankings. Kris beats me this time. "Yes! I win! I am first honor mister number 2." she said. "Fine you win." as I gave her 20 dollars; she will probably buy another Coconut Pie from BukoNawa as she always does, It was delicious to be honest.
"And I was right. BukoNawa... I will try that Ube Pie your Mom talks about one day." I said. "tastes like home." replied Kris as she eats the Coconut pie. Later, We we ride our bikes as we go to our next subject. "Sigmund Freud?" asked Kris. "Yes, I read it before. ID, Ego, Super Ego." I replied. But for me, It was more than that. "Oh, the Daddy issues; I think from Sigmund Frued's books too." replied Kris as we take our books.
Kris and I look at each other. We pause, and then smile. Then I look up the mountain that cave in our house that day, almost 2 years ago. I paused and wonder on that caved in mountain. I wonder, if, my Mom was still alive, what will she say though. What are we now."Uhm, Alex? You okay?" asked Kris. I nodded, The day just passes by me. I return home using my bike, but I stop by the lighthouse. Simon was there in his mechanic uniform fixing a car. The old man looked happy when it starts.
That Oldman was a former teacher in our school, I think, he has a grandson, visiting around.
Simon was full of grease. I laugh a little. He was always covered in grease oil. He looks at me, "Buddy! Let's go in the Italian Restaurant!" shouted him. I go to him, and look at the pinkish sunset in the fall season. We went home. Simon goes to the bathroom and takes his second bath for the day. I go to my room,and the bathroom upstairs to prepare. I go back downstairs. Simon was in his room. I peek on the gaps. He was in his boxer briefs, that stud muffin; always fixing machines. I move away, he might see me.
Later inside the restaurant. Simon looks at me, we laugh, His dark,hair, his green eyes… almost gray. He was very good looking, despite his curly hair is a bit longer, so is his full beard. I stare at him. "Buddy, why are you staring at me like that?" asked Simon. "Nothing" I said, he was, very handso,e to stare at. "Nah I just remember that Thermometer joke!" We laugh again as I say, "Please no...ew. Not that joke." I said as we laugh even harder.
"This is awkward...Since your mom, Silvia. Will always be looking around, she loves the garlic bread here! You always play with your soup too! You dip your garlic bread in ketchup!" said Simon as we laugh again, looking as if mom was there.
Simon starts to talk many things, we discus about days past; then he cries a little remembering mom. "I'm sorry, but, at least you need to know the truth. I miss Silv a lot. But, I think it's about time, I should find... I don't know if I would love again though. I miss...I miss your mom a lot. I love her. I love her till the end." He holds my hand and I tear up a little too as I smile. "Who would not miss my mom, wonderful, bossy, funny, caring mother," I said and I added "Dad, we can be strong... Together." I said. "Thanks... despite, I told you everything... you did not left." said Simon.
"I'm still your buddy, dad!" I said.
I lied.
I see you as a man Simon, but this forbidden feelings, must remain, in the closet.
He releases my hand and rubs my hair. Our food arrived.
We ate and laugh the whole night. It was the first long laughter, since my mom died almost a year ago, if she was alive today, she will say, Simon, go find a wonderful woman… Like her bossy attitude she has. We go home later with stomach full of pasta and garlic bread. Then talk more about mom. He smiles as he says, "You remind me of Silv, that thoughtfulness, the love, the awkward laughs...
said Simon as he pats my head and say, "I should focus on the present. You still need to go to college too." he says. Simon, starts to return to his normal self, little by little. "Join me…" said Simon. I smiled. We watch the game with him as I take out snacks.
He was happy.
I'm happy.
I look at him. Simon says, "Why you keep looking at me like that? Come on, I ain't going anywhere, buddy." said Simon then he looks at me. He smiles as he rubs my head. I giggled a little.