[Edward POV]
In the quiet alley, dimly lit, Vanessa held my right hand tightly as we walked to the middle of the path. The urine smell assaulted my nose so we walked further for the scent to become more acceptable.
"There are no muggers. Not here, anyway," I said calmly, trying to reassure her. "But there's a few rats."
There's a family of rats scattered around the trash cans, and one of them looked into my direction.
"AHH!" Vanessa yelped and jumped at me. I accepted it, and held her in a princess carry as the rats walked by casually in front of us carrying their spoils.
Vanessa glared at me. "Why did you bring me here? What do you want to do that requires us to come to this dark place?" She slowly moved away from me after the rats had passed by.
Suddenly, her eyes widened. She released my hand, stepping back a few paces and covering her body with her arms, looking at me warily. "You're not thinking of us doing anything… weird here, right?"
I scoffed. "And risk getting HIV from the broken needles around? I don't think so."
"Then what do you want to do—AHHH!"
I wrapped my arm around Vanessa's hand and shot a grappling gun up to the 4th-floor balcony on the left side of the alley. We both flew into the air, and Vanessa screamed from the suddenness of it.
"Edward, you jerk!" she screamed, fear evident in her voice as we dangled in the air, held by the tough cable wire. Vanessa clung to me tightly, refusing to look down.
I grinned. "Aww, is someone scared?"
"I just screamed! You're the one who should be scared; the cops will definitely come to check out the noise," Vanessa said sulkily, punching my chest lightly.
"It's New York; there are screams everywhere at night. Just wait a minute, and you'll hear another one," I said calmly. We waited for forty-nine seconds before another scream echoed.
"See? A lot of crazy people here," I said, teasing her. Vanessa held back a laugh, rolled her eyes, and muttered under her breath, not wanting to give me the satisfaction of being right.
"You crazy bastard…"
Vanessa pursed her lips. "Okay, why are you dangling us here? What's the point?"
"Oh, this'll make more sense if I wear this. Hold on, it's a little tough to get" I wanted to take a red mask from my back pocket, but it was impossible to get so I descended back to the ground.
"So you brought me up there for no reason?" Vanessa asked, raising an eyebrow as we touched down.
"I wanted to see if it's possible to kiss, or even wear a mask, while dangling on a rope, clutching someone. But unless I can hold the rope with my butt crack like Tarzan, I don't think I can pull it off."
I reached into my back pocket and took out the mask.
Vanessa burst out laughing at the image, finally relaxing now that she was on solid ground. "You forgot another test. Maybe you can get the person in your arms to put the mask on for you."
She grabbed the red mask from my hand and stood on her toes, but she still couldn't reach without me shortening myself– by spreading my legs widely.
Vanessa hummed as she adjusted the mask on my head. "♪ Spider-Man, Spider-Man~ Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves, just like flies. Look out. Here comes the Spider-Man .♪"
"Stop singing that," I said, my voice muffled by the mask, the Spider-Man's eyes narrowing slightly. "You're turning me on right now," I added.
Vanessa was taken aback for a moment, then smirked. "Just by me singing the song?"
"You have no idea the power you have over me right now," I said, wrapping my hand around her.
Vanessa quickly looked away, a blush rising on her cheeks. Then she asked curiously, "Is this the same mask you made for The Amazing Spider-Man movie?"
"Yeah, pretty cool, right?"
The mask looked more like Tom Holland's Spider-Man mask, but the overall suit resembled the Spider-Man 2 game costume, with a white spider emblem on the chest.
"It is pretty cool. It's the first time I've seen it in person. I still remember when the articles came out; fans were going gooning to the mask
"Yeah, they were excited— Wait, they were gooning?" I asked, shocked. The eyes of the mask turned slightly circular, showing a surprised expression.
Vanessa smirked playfully "No proof, but I bet a lot of them were so happy they, uh… busted."
"You know what? I'm with you on that," I said, agreeing with her.
There are sensors around the eyes, detecting movement in the eyebrows and neighboring skin, so it can make animated expressions such as shocked, swooning, skeptical, angry, distressed, and even happy.
The director argued that Spidey was a poor kid, so he wouldn't be able to spend much money developing his suit. I countered that he had a rich friend, Harry Osborne, who was going to be played by Dylan O'Brien.
A hand-me-down game system or haptic gloves would be enough for Peter to reverse-engineer and build his own suit, assuming the universe has a VR system.
The technology in the movie-verse would be quite advanced, and Peter had an IQ of over 250! If the movie was set in the '80s or '90s, maybe he would still be a poor nerd, but a tech-savvy kid with a desperate desire to help his aunt?
He could build a few websites and sell them with just a laptop. Even if he wouldn't become disgustingly rich, he would still be able to afford a lot of stuff, maybe even break into the middle class.
If only he could break free of the "poor" attribute placed on him for relatability, Peter would've become a rich dude in his universe.
I still remember an episode of the Ultimate Spider-Man animated series. It was a Christmas episode where Nightmare showed Peter what he could've become if he hadn't become Spider-Man.
He had a life similar to Tony Stark's– Parker Industries became successful, he became rich and famous, but because there was no Spider-Man, the other heroes were hunted one by one by the Green Goblin.
In the end, Peter chose to fight the Green Goblin and returned to his 'normal' life, knowing how necessary Spider-Man was to protect the city.
"Huh? Why did you suddenly get so quiet?" Vanessa asked after I'd been lost in thought for a moment.
"I'm just thinking about what would happen if Peter hadn't become Spider-Man. He'd probably live a life like mine."
Vanessa narrowed her eyes. "Peter is a huge nerd—wait, that's similar. He can't get girls—" She widened her eyes and whispered, "He gets a lot of girls."
Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy, Liz Allen, Betty Brant, Ursula the landlord's daughter... and that was without them knowing he's Spider-Man.
"Um… He can't sing, that's for sure…" Vanessa mused.
I turned to Vanessa. "There's also this: we both have an Aunt May."
Vanessa widened her eyes in shock. "You're Peter Parker! Also, what's your IQ? I know he has a 250 IQ because you won't shut up about it when you talk about the movie, but what's yours?"
"Only 227, so I'm dumber than him," I replied with a sad expression before jumping on the rope again and flipping myself upside down. Positioning my face close to Vanessa's, I asked, "Even if I'm not as smart as him, will you still kiss me?"
Vanessa giggled. "Lower your lips a bit more. I can't reach that. Oh, wait."
She suddenly reached behind her and unclasped her bra before pulling it out from her sleeve.
"I've seen you do that a hundred times, and I still think it's magic," I commented before asking, "Why did you take it off?"
"Kirsten Dunst wasn't wearing one during that kiss. You want to recreate it, right? Just give me a second to wake up the 'girls'. It won't take long."
Vanessa smirked devilishly, clearly enjoying the leering eyes that were now visible with the mask.
"Oh, so you do usually look," she said playfully.
I rubbed my nose. "It's the first time I've ever been caught."
Vanessa laughed and grabbed the edge of the mask at my neck, rolling it downwards to reveal my lips.
She asked before she kissed me, "Is 227 IQ smart? I have no idea how IQ works."
"To be honest, me neither," I said playfully.
Vanessa's eyes became dazed, and she leaned in closer. Cupping my face in her hands, she placed her lips on mine. I parted my lips slightly, and my tongue intertwined with hers. We kissed for over a minute before a harsh light interrupted us.
"What are you kids doing here?!" a policeman asked, shining his flashlight at us.
"Wait, are you guys recreating the Spider-Man kiss?" his partner, a large Black woman, asked sassily.
"Yeah," I replied, still wearing half a mask while Vanessa tried to hide her face. "You guys are ruining it right now." I added.
The Black woman smiled knowingly. "Don't worry, we won't disturb you. Carry on."
Her partner turned to her with disdain before asking me, "We're looking for the source of a scream. Did you guys see anything suspicious around here?"
"Or did you already kick the bad guys' asses and now she's rewarding you with a kiss?" the Black woman teased.
I smiled. "I wish, but I can't seem to find any generic early 2000s bad guys hanging out in this alley. It's just me and my girlfriend here."
"Alright. You guys can keep doing whatever you're doing, as long as it's consensual." The tired middle-aged man lowered his flashlight. "Just don't do it in public," he added sternly. "That's how you get diseases."
The Black woman suddenly asked, "Hey, you guys want a picture? I can take one for you."
"Yes, please!" I agreed instantly. Vanessa, looking exasperated, tried to hide our faces. "No need! We're already heading back now!"
"Ah, you better listen to the missus. I think she's embarrassed you got caught," the Black woman laughed before she left with her partner.
"Shall we continue?" I turned to Vanessa, still dangling upside down.
Vanessa looked at me in disbelief. "NO!" She spun me around angrily, a red blush on her cheeks from the embarrassment of getting caught.
"Awww…" I exclaimed in disappointment, unfazed by the spinning.
Vanessa and I walked around Williamsburg, enjoying the bustling city at night. We stopped by Baskin Robbins for ice cream, grabbed some pretzels, and even got a New York hot dog from a food truck.
"Should we bring something back for Max?" Vanessa asked as we entered a convenience store.
"Candy. Definitely candy. She needs the extra calories if she wants to inflate her funbags back," I said with a smirk.
"I meant like shower gel or shampoo, but candy is great too," Vanessa added playfully.
"We should definitely get her some toilet paper." I stretched my neck to peek at the next aisle, only to see a young Asian girl staring at me, unblinking.
"Hi," I said warmly, waving at her. "Did you recognize us?" I lowered my sunglasses as I spoke.
She nodded, a small smile on her face.
"Shh, don't tell anyone," I whispered.
She laughed happily after getting my signature and went to her father– who owned the store.
When we got back to Max's apartment, Max and Caroline returned at the same time, and we bumped into each other in the hallway.
"Ice cream!?" Max jumped excitedly.
"None for you," I said teasingly. Max exclaimed in disappointment but perked up again when I added, "But I did buy you some candy."
"YEAH!" Max squirmed happily.
As we got inside, Caroline mentioned there were a lot of celebrities at the party.
But as soon as word got out that I was in New York, 'The Bey' immediately canceled the party and announced he would throw the most epic, luxurious, explosive party of all time this Sunday.
A party that would be written about in every news outlet. A party so big that everyone would be there. He was prepared to spend tens of millions for the party.
"I have a feeling he's going to do this, but he won't invite you, just to be petty," Caroline said carefully.
I shrugged. "I don't care. I'm filming on Sunday, so I wouldn't be able to make it anyway."
"You should throw a better one. An even bigger party," Max said happily. Caroline got excited. "Ooh! I can help you plan it!"
Vanessa interjected, "Girls, curb your enthusiasm. There's no way he's actually going to hold a party if it's not necessary."
I nodded in agreement with Vanessa and turned back to Caroline and Max. "See? Vanessa's telling you guys to calm your tits."
Max grinned. "Mine are calm. Caroline doesn't have any."
"They're so calm they're practically shrinking," Caroline shot back, which made Max laugh out loud.
We talked for a while until midnight.
"We should head back now. We'll see you guys again tomorrow at your restaurant," I said as Vanessa and I stood by the door.
"Mmm– Mhmm–" Max mumbled through a mouthful of candy, but I understood her. I replied, "I didn't do anything to your house, you mustache lover."
"Wha– WHAT?!" Max spat the candy back into her hand. "Did you search my room?!" she asked angrily.
"Definitely," I said easily. That's how I found out she has a kink for mustaches and hairy men.
Caroline looked confused. "What mustache lover?"
"Her porn fetish," Vanessa clarified with an uncomfortable expression.
"EDWARD!" Max rushed to attack me, but I pushed Vanessa and myself out the door and left the building in a hurry.
The next morning, I worked out, facing Central Park from the apartment. Wearing a sleeveless, tight shirt and white pants, I was doing handstand push-ups when Vanessa finally emerged from the bedroom.
"Morning," she said, heading for the coffee, wearing an oversized white shirt and nothing underneath.
"Morning," I replied before resuming the push-ups. "443… 444… 445…"
"Is it me, or does New York feel a little stuffy?" Vanessa asked as she pulled up a chair and sat right in front of me, enjoying the view.
"The pollution index is higher, that's why," I said, continuing to count in my head.
As soon as I hit 500, I switched to one-armed handstand push-ups. Vanessa sipped her coffee loudly, her eyes glued to my bulging biceps.
"Can I sit on your back when you do the regular ones?" she asked as I switched hands after reaching 300.
"Sure. But it's a little wet," I agreed easily.
"Believe me, that's not the only thing," Vanessa hinted mischievously.
…
SNL writers' room.
Thursday afternoon, I arrived at the room after being invited by the SNL head writer, Colin Jost. The head writers were Colin Jost and Seth Meyers, but Seth wasn't there.
"Oh my god, I'm finally meeting the elusive billionaire singer-songwriter, inventor, actor, and god knows how many other titles you have," Colin Jost joked as we shook hands, referring to the joke Larry King made before on his interview.
"And I'm finally meeting Scarlett Johansson's future husband," I said, smiling back.
Colin was taken aback, speechless for a few seconds before stammering, "W–What? Sorry? What did you just say? Did she say anything about me—That's a joke, right?"
"Who knows? People say I have extraordinary prophetic visions. It could really happen," I said, shrugging before grinning mischievously.
Colin didn't take me seriously. "If that does happen, I'll name my firstborn after you."
"Deal. Even if it's a girl," I said, shaking his hand again.
"No– Not if it's a girl! Naming a girl Edward is just nonsense. Do you want me to get divorced right after the birth of my firstborn daughter?"
"Wow, you guys are really clicking," Jason Sudeikis, who had brought me in, said, shocked by our exchange. He thought we were joking, but I knew I wasn't.
"Before we get into anything, there's something we need to address," Jason said, his face turning serious.
Colin sighed, seeing Jason's signal. "About your skit idea…" It was clear he didn't want to do this.
"Is it that bad?" I asked, slightly worried.
"No– No, in fact, it's really good," Colin said quickly, wanting to avoid any misunderstanding.
Jason added, "So good that someone else already did it."
He took out a tablet and showed me a video on Entertain's website by Studio C, a studio that focuses on comedic sketches.
I laughed at the execution of the idea – them finding Ronald Reagan's diary instead of the serial killer's – and how the video focused on the upcoming election. It had been uploaded six hours ago and already had a million views.
"So, we're going to have to scrap the idea. I hope you don't take it personally. We really liked you and Torres's initial pitch," Colin said, looking nervous.
Even though he was the head writer, Colin knew I was higher than him in terms of status. In fact, that's why Seth wasn't here today. He didn't want to be present when the news broke, in case it would damage his future relationship with me.
"It's fine. I'm not going to be mad if someone else does it first. There's still a few more ideas we can use, right?" I said calmly.
Colin breathed in relief before saying, "Thank god, I thought my chances with Scarlet will be over before it even starts."
We brought back Julio for the meeting. I pitched the idea of 'Why do you like that', where three contestants in a game show would reveal why they liked the pictures on their Instagram.
Colin loved the idea, but Jason thought it would be too on the nose considering I was the owner of the apps.
Julio suddenly said, "I have an idea, but I think it'll be too difficult to do."
"What is it?" I asked with expectation.
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