Roufail got ready for another day of school, wearing his usual extravagant outfit, only with a noticeably more solemn expression and slower way of carrying himself. It was Aperl and they only had 2 months of school left until summer began, ending their final year of middle school. Yet, comparing the group currently to how they were a year ago, you would've thought they'd witnessed a murder… well, one that actually impacted them anyway.
Roufail somehow arrived to school on time, so he went to talk with Tempest and Leo while waiting for class to start.
-"Are you guys sure about this?" He asked.
-"If it means you'll stop acting out of character I'd do whatever. Stop being gloomy, that's not your thing!" Leo remarked.
-"Well the person whose 'thing' that was changed schools alongside Rin, not to mention that they barely text us ever since the last Leo Day" Tempest said.
-"Tch, fair enough, can't say I'm too glad about the fact that Achillop has also gone radio silent either." Leo said as he changed his expression from that of mild annoyance to that of disappointment.
-"I think you forgot to mention Rousilleas." Roufail tried to correct him.
Leo completely ignored him. It seems his pettiness still hadn't allowed him to let go of the fact his first impression of Rousilleas was him breaking into his house, how unreasonable.
-"Frankly I'm not sure why you asked us if 'we're sure about this' as if we're doing anything insane today. We're just going to ask that Father Chad guy on how to get our friends back. Compared to other things we've done this is painfully average." Tempest told Roufail.
-"Sure it's nothing crazy, but just think about all the stuff we've done the past 6 months to try and get them back!" Roufail said as the three of them reminisced on the truly bombastic efforts they embarked on up until now. One might say that going through all that before asking someone slightly respectable for advice is counter productive. One might also say that they aren't the brightest, and if they went to a different school they may have gone to one of those 2 teacher classrooms.
-"Ah, sure am glad to have been with you two during all those events, even though they didn't succeed in the slightest I wouldn't have ever wanted to miss out on them, sure would've been a shame!" Tempest proudly exclaimed.
-"Are you forgetting someone?!" A voice echoed from a small distance.
The three of them turned and to their… varied reactions, it was Morris.
-"Hell yeah!"
-"Oh, hi dude."
-"I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
Roufail, Leo and Tempest respectively responded.
In those 6 months, Morris also changed a fair bit. Not for the worse, unless you were to ask Tempest, nor necessarily for the better either.
-"Tch, liberal media is trying to cancel the only true leftist. Typical." Morris said in response to Tempest.
-"I HAVEN'T UNDERSTOOD A WORD YOU'VE SAID IN I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG!" Tempest yelled in borderline desperation.
-"Just wait until my project 2044, there will be no more room for misunderstandings at that point." Morris said something that sounded like a threat but was also too confusing to be perceived as such unless you had a PhD in schizo politics.
-"Hey, he ain't done nothing wrong, he doesn't have to be part of the conservative genocide!" Roufail may as well have had exactly that.
-"The WHAT?!" Tempest exclaimed.
-"Don't even bother, dude." Leo patted Tempest in the back as he sighed.
To claim that Morris had been radicalized would be an understatement. He supported good, mainly left leaning causes, but the way he talked about them and his methods of executing them made Joseph Stalin look like a liberal.
-"Tsk tsk tsk, anybody to the right of Bernie is included in it, Roufail!" Morris proclaimed.
-"Yeah yeah whatever, let's just get on with our day already so we can go ask the damn priest for advice once school is over." Leo put an end to the bizarreness, for now.
-"Why do we even need 4 people to ask for advice from a single person- actually nevermind." Morris said before realizing how even the most casual task is turned into a world ending scenario when these three do it together, meaning that he had no reason to object.
ONE UNEVENTFUL SCHOOL DAY LATER
-"Man, to think that we lost contact with all of them and on top of it all Kewmed still hasn't become normal." Roufail exclaimed as they made their way to the church.
-"One problem at a time, I'm not even sure if Kewmed wants to stop being a dick at this point. At least we still have uh… renie and uh, Thoso… and them guys yknow." Leo said with his expression becoming less and less confident as he finished.
Eventually, they reached the church, and they began looking at every nook and cranny, searching for Father Chad.
-"Where the he- I mean heck did he go?!" Leo asked.
-"I checked the church's website and it said he's supposed to be here at this time!" Tempest angrily exclaimed.
-"The church has a website?" Leo's question proceeded to get avoided by everyone.
-"Well, then there is only one possible explanation for his absence, isn't there?" Roufail said solemnly.
-"Yeah…" Tempest agreed as he lowered his gaze in sorrow.
-"Fu- I mean screw this! Dead or alive we have some questions to ask him, and ask him we will!" Leo declared proudly.
-"But how will we ask a dead person?" Tempest asked
Morris smirked as he pulled a really old book and a black permanent marker out of nowhere.
-"I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!" He yelled out as he started doing some incantations while drawing a large strange shape on the floor.
Tempest discreetly got closer to Leo as he whispered
-"Did you know about this?"
-"No but I've learned to not be surprised by anything anymore-"
-"SILENCE! LET ME FOCUS!" Morris yelled at them before continuing his incantations
-"Card cadou Steam de cincisprezece lei, hrănire cerebrală italiană pentru bebeluși, purifică ceea ce este impur, corupe ceea ce este pur, această pauză de șase luni a fost complet nerezonabilă!" He chanted before two different portals opened in the ground.
-"One leads to heaven, the other to hell. Figured we should look at both if we wanna be sure to find him." Morris explained.
-"How will we get out once we find Father Chad though?" Leo asked.
-"I installed a condition that disables the portals and drags us out if we find him. We just need to drag him out along with us and we'll ask him here, he should die again soon after anyway."
-"How did you learn to do all this?"
-"It just happens when you speak Romanian gibberish in the correct order."
-"Okay then we just have to establish a means of communication and figure out a way for whoever goes to hell to not be utterly traumatized and-"
-"BOOORING!" Morris interrupted Leo as he cannon balled into the hell portal.
-"WAIT FOR ME!" Roufail yelled before doing the same thing.
-"Whelp, fuck me I guess!" Leo angrily exclaimed as he stomped to the heaven portal. Tempest followed suit.
The two duos entered their respective domains and were met by an expected landscape. Hell was a barren flaming wasteland, heaven was a cloud utopia. The difference came in the souls that occupied each space.
-"Onwards! To Hitler!" Morris led the way in hell.
-"Aren't we looking for Father Chad?!" Roufail asked.
-"He's a Goddamn priest, do you really think God would do one of his own in like that?!"
-"Uh… yes?" Roufail answered, confused.
-"Even so, I came to hell to see the worst people to ever live and see if I can learn anything from them. We can look for the priest later, okay?"
-"Eh, sure." Roufail followed along, slightly worried about what Morris was looking to learn from someone like Hitler.
Meanwhile
-"Hey, how about we go exploring here?" Tempest asked Leo.
-"We're not here to explore, we're here to drag a bald dude out of his afterlife to satisfy our earthly demands, God is probably kicking us out once he realizes we're not supposed to be dead anyway."
-"Oh come on, aren't you a bit curious to see what heaven really has? If it's just clouds forever then what's even the point of coming here after death?!"
-"Well, when you put it that way… fine, we're only exploring for a bit though!"
The two duos promptly abandoned their main goal for the moment, instead opting to do a tour of the realm of the dead.
-"Look, a dead guy, he might be who we're looking for!" Morris and Leo coincidentally said at the same time.
As the duos approached their respective souls, they started making out the appearance of the dead. The one in hell was relatively short, with early 1900's clothes and a short look at his side profile revealed he had a toothbrush mustache, while the one in heaven was bald as a watermelon.
-"HITLER!"
-"FATHER CHAD!"
Morris and Leo yelled out respectively. However, when the souls heard that and turned around to face them, they were utterly confused at the sight.
-"RENOWNED EARLY TWENTIETH CENTURY COMEDIAN CHARLIE CHAPLIN?!"
-"FASCIST LEADER OF ITALY BENITO MUSSOLINI?!"
Morris and Leo once again yelled out in that order.
Before anyone could do anything, both duos were dragged away from where they were standing to a more isolated sector of their respective realms by forces they couldn't recognize.
Morris and Roufail looked up to be greeted by a cerberus, only instead of the three heads being those of dogs, they were the heads of Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Queen Elizabeth II.
-"What in the literal hell is up with this place? I thought bad people came here! What did Charlie Chaplin do?!" Roufail asked.
-"Yeah, I want my money back, this isn't what I signed up for!" Morris protested.
-"I hear your demands, so I will tell you why we three are the lords of this realm instead of Satan. See, previously it was him, but it was determined that we're such horrible pieces of shit, that Admiral President God decided we're better for this role." Ronald Reagan explained.
-"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE ASKED AT ALL!" Roufail and Morris yelled at the same time.
-"I fucking hate poor people." Margaret Thatcher claimed for no particular reason.
MEANWHILE
-"Sup guys, Admiral President God here." God introduced Himself to Leo and Tempest.
-"Hi God." Tempest greeted him.
-"Hey, big man, why is Mussolini in here? Did we stumble in hell by accident?!" Leo asked Him.
-"Nah, it's just how it works. Most of the people who are here are remembered as being horrible by you, but for that reason, just broke they died, they regretted every single thing they ever did, allowing them to come here. Meanwhile, the ones you remember as being good died without ever realizing their many sins, which is why they're usually in hell for committing the grave sin of wearing a shirt made of two different materials or something. K bye remember to like and subscribe." God then disappeared, leaving Tempest and Leo alone.
-"Oh my God, I can't believe it, the worst people to ever live are enjoying their time in heaven! That's insane! I think I'm gonna get sick!" Leo remarked, visibly distraught.
-"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Tempest asked with a smug smirk.
-"Mhm, it's time to bring balance!"
MEANWHILE
After about half an hour of empty responses that didn't actually elaborate on anything, the Cunt Cerberus finally elaborated on Morris and Roufail's questions, before leaving to terrorize some dead working class people.
-"This is so lame! How the fuck will normal good people help with my accelerationism?!" Morris complained.
-"What do you mean?" Roufail asked him.
Morris stopped to think for a bit, then, smirking, he turned to Roufail and said
-"Just follow me, I'll show you."
MEANWHILE
Tempest and Leo had embarked on a quest to turn the evil people's souls into sinners so they'd go to hell where they belonged. They went about accomplishing this by running across heaven until they bumped into one of those souls, at which point, they'd begin.
First soul located: Confederate Leader Robert E. Lee
-"HEY, ROBERT! BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE NOW THEORETICALLY HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS!" Leo yelled at him.
-"NOOOOOO!" So much hate filled him that he stopped regretting his past actions, leading him straight to hell.
Second soul located: Marie Antoinette
-"Hey, did you know that-" Tempest tried to say something before she interrupted him
-"SACRE BLEUUU!" She yelled at the sight of someone poor, leading to her speaking French in her surprise, which is rightfully a sin according to the secret 11th commandment.
Third soul located: Osama Bin Laden
Leo and Tempest just revealed to him that people believe 9/11 was an inside job
-"OH HELL NAW, I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT JUST FOR MY CREDIT TO BE STOLEN?! AND BY WHITE AMERICANS NONETHELESS?!" In his outrage he committed the deadly sin of pride and went down.
-"Gotta say, this is easier than expected!" Tempest remarked.
-"Yeah. Although, why do I have a feeling we're forgetting something important?" Leo asked himself, but before he could think about it, God appeared.
-"Hey hey hey hey, what are you guys doing?" He asked them.
-"We're fixing shit!"
-"You should be thanking us if anything!"
-"You think if I cared enough I wouldn't have done something about this obvious loophole? I don't! The afterlife is just a garbage dump for souls because I got tired of the cycle of reincarnation because it required actual effort, I couldn't give less of a shit about who went where! Eternal life is torture no matter how you spend it anyway. Trust Me, I'd know." God explained.
-"Then why did you give us all those rules and commandments?" Leo asked Him.
-"I was bored and wanted to see how well you could follow a convoluted and confusing set of rules if you were threatened by eternal damnation. The results have been beyond disappointing, by the way."
-"Yeah, I get your viewpoint." Tempest remarked with a look of certainty.
-"That's… disappointing, frankly. So at the end of life we just have either eternal boredom or eternal torture?" Leo said.
-"Well, your shenanigans are some of the most entertaining stuff to happen in this omniverse since that time Hyperriox went to Soweiland, so as a thank you for entertaining Me, I'll make a special heaven for you that has whatever you want when you die."
-"Even a latest gen gaming PC?"
-"Uh, sure."
-"YIPPPIEEE!" Leo and Tempest celebrated.
Having solved their existential crisis, the heaven duo remembered about the two that passed through the other portal.
Coincidentally, it was at that moment that the Cunt Cerberous broke through the barrier between heaven and hell and started attacking every angel and soul that crossed its path.
-"THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ROUFAIL! TURNING THE WORLD UPSIDE DOWN, THE PUREST FORM OF FUN!" Morris, who was riding the Cunt Cerberus, proudly exclaimed to Roufail, who was barely hanging onto the tail.
-"DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S A LESS INSANE WAY OF GOING ABOUT THIS?!"
-"NUH UH!"
While Leo and Tempest were talking it out with God, Morris had convinced the Cunt Cerberus to invade heaven, claiming that it was filled with communists who didn't believe in owning anything. The Cunt Cerberous, having the combined conscience of Thatcher, Reagan and Lizzie, was immediately convinced.
A battle broke out, with God ordering his angels to fight for Him as He knew that if He got involved it'd be solved way too quickly and He'd go back to being bored again.
The situation had become more chaotic than ever, when suddenly, our squad got teleported back into the church.
-"What the-!" They all looked around, surprised, as they'd forgotten how they even got in their situation in the first place.
-"What in the world were you kids doing? Sorcery is dangerous stuff, you know! Thank God that I know how to undo rituals of this level." Father Chad told them, with the signature smile on his face like usual.
-"Father Chad?! We thought you were dead!" Roufail exclaimed.
-"Why would you think that? I'm not THAT old!" He said before he hit his head against the nearer wall, cracking it (the wall).
-"Well cause… uh… damn" at that moment, they realized how stupid their assumption was.
-"But why were you not here when we came?" Leo asked.
-"I had… an emergency to attend to. Even priests have lives, you know!" His smile almost wavered for the first time as he said that.
Morris left early, disappointed that he wouldn't get to see the chaos he created for a while. The others stayed and explained their situation to Father Chad.
In response, he lightened up his face with an even wider smile and said
-"In life, you have to keep trying to achieve your goal, no matter how hard it is! All is possible with the help of God!"
He had good intentions, but that was definitely not the advice they were looking for, while Tempest and Leo cringed at the last part, so they left without really having learned anything that would help with their situation.
-"Phew, almost slipped up there…" Father Chad whispered to himself before he closed the gates of the church.