The silence is overbearing. I still can't get my head clear from what happened at the door before. But many of these thoughts shouldn't bother me as much as Starglaze had flown upon me. Mother, father, and I were sitting in the living room watching that picture the rude woman had stained upon us.
"Christine, we're sorry about what happened there." My mother comforts me with her hand on my shoulder.
"Sorry that we didn't tell you about Aunt Barbara. She wasn't the type of woman who came here often." My dad excuses.
But my eyes are locked onto these pictures, meant to see only the figure of that human in the frame. That young, innocent girl's face was priceless around the candles, only to be judged so unruly by the humans. In her words, even I was a disappointment like my family for abandoning the stage.
"Why was she mad at us? Did I do something wrong...?" I shed a little tear. I break out.
"No, you didn't! Barbara was just a loathemouth she was. Every time she came here, she was just the woman you shouldn't hear for her words."
The stage was once my curse, my false belief, and my undoing. When I thought I was shimmering, I was instead spoiling into a rotting egg. Nobody wants a rotting egg, but Sebastian made these eggs look delicate with false pink paint and glittering plasters. I was a failure, and I still was when I got home.
"No one attends ballet these days—no one of consequence, at any rate."
Ballet was never in their eyes—never. I thought all this time I was a spotlight for every human, but I was just a fool among them. I was never enough, no matter how many times I danced for them. After all, I wouldn't be Pristine Pearl if more people would've liked Playful Para.
"People didn't like ballet...? I thought they liked it...I thought they liked my performance..."
"Wait, did you—"
"Mom, why didn't you tell me people hated it?"
I cried, falling on my knees as I realized my life was way ahead of me. Everything I've been and become in that studio means nothing to the humans, especially the darkness I was set upon. I couldn't believe that even to be a star, I was still far ahead.
"*Sobs* I failed...I failed...I failed...why...?"
"Christine, no..." My mother wanted to stop me, but from what? I've been going through a lot for this. And now, I have become a leftover—even worse.
They hurt me—Sebastian hurt me. Nobody liked me, nobody favored me, and nobody saw me as much as they worshipped me. Dominance made you feel stronger until you realized you're not loved for your strength but feared. And now that I'm not feared here, all that I made return to nothing, and I am nothing in the end. Nothing.
"Christine, are you..."
"Why are you sad? Are you not happy you are here?"
"*Sobs* I practiced hard for those years! I thought they wanted it! The humans said they liked it! Sebastian said they loved me!"
"*Sobs*So all those patches and cracks I've had with my legs mean nothing? Nothing??"
Something changed in me. The line was crossed when I learned the truth behind the curtains. If I was nothing at the moment of this freedom, what gives me the idea to remain silent? I didn't choose to be this because I wanted to—I chose because I was desperate and I am choiceless.
"How can you say that to yourself?"
"Back then, I had to make a Joyling down so I could get into the position of a star! I had to shame them low so they never got up! I had to tear up hope so they don't feel happier than me!"
"I had to hurt someone just to feel...recognized."
"Christine..." My mother whispers behind my back.
My knees are on the floor, and I finally embrace my defeat. But I didn't want to embrace the wastefulness and the contempt I had. If only others knew what has been made within me just to be perfect if only they knew what was drained upon me just to feel something. I was a void for so long.
"Then why don't you try again?"
"Why should I try again? It's already over..."
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Yet another guest on the door to intervene in our time, just as I was about to head upstairs with misery. Once again, I had to hide with Starglaze from a new human I didn't know. This time, I chose the lounge because I prefer the closest to the stage curtains.
"I know, I know! I'll be in the lounge. I don't want to be upstairs." I rush with Starglaze.
"Don't worry, dear! Mommy just make you some egg snacks! Enjoy while you were waiting." She held a tray of that wasted egg onto the lounge. At least I could eat something.
"Sweet! Or should I say...savory?" Starglaze had one in his mouth.
We waited in the lounge while father checked on the doorway. Whoever knocked on the door was calmer and patient enough to wait for him to tie his shoe and sit for tea. Yes, I gave him my tea so he could be prepared if that was another rude woman. Yet to our surprise, the guest who came out of the door was none other than a girl.
"Oh, Lisa Bowell?" My father caught a young human girl in the doorway. She has that purple dress that I believe only Doorwell would wear.
"H-hello, Mr. Starstuhm...I hope I can still come in..." The young girl was sad. She was carrying a flower and one basket of things.
"Aww, she's sad. What happened with her?"
The new guest is a human girl like me. Though young and living, she seems to be weeping for someone with an orchid flower in her hand. I recognizes this flower from Doorwell's storytelling about human flowerpicking.
"It's Tuesday, Lisa. Can't you just go for tomorrow?"
"No, I had to do it now. I couldn't go on Wednesday because of family matter. Please, I only need to see Christine once more..."
The human girl appears saddened and spiritless when she steps into the mansion. The long dress and the black bow tie made me believe she was here to feel saddened than to be angered. However, I was certain that she was talking about me.
"Of course, another human. How am I not feeling much more horrid than now?" I stand vexed.
"Pearl, are you okay?"
"Am I? I feel terrible..."
"Alright, follow us. She's waiting for you."
"What?" I pause.
Did my father betray me? I heard him helping her to find me out, and I thought we were just mourning about it. But that never happened because the girl wasn't here, and they were just going into the living room for another Christine.
"Woah, what is this window?"
"I don't know, but I like it."
This window in the lounge was a shocking discovery for us. It's as if Sebastian puts a secret wall on every stage to peek at us during a show in a blind spot. From here, we could see the human girl heading towards the living room, but she couldn't see us.
"What do you think she's doing here?" Starglaze hovers above my head.
"Probably fixing my picture? That frame feels outdated with my new looks."
"Yeah, but the humans didn't even charge him. Remember the last time you let Wormtimer renovate your room chargeless?"
"Ugh, don't tell me...green goo all over my room...ugh..." Pearl icks.
She was standing before my picture—not to taunt my unfortunate life, but to grieve with the void I had within. There was sadness in her eyes, but the one that felt passion and sympathy for me. A human who cared for a little Pearl who has nothing but a facade? How surprising.
"Hey, Christine. I hope you're waiting for me because I don't want to mess this up for you." She was crying. That human and her flower, crying like she knows me.
"*Sniff* Aww, Christine...why must you be gone? We could've been schoolmates together now..."
"We could have bullied the students from the neighbouring school together, played in the river with the fish, and even tried out some new makeup at the stall next to my house. You could have been here with me, but you're gone."
"You're gone...and I'm alone...without a friend..."
So many requests from humans, so much passion put into those words, but few share of minds to the likes of this Joyling. That precious orchid was given to the human me with her human skin, which I was not made of anymore. But she loves it as much as she calls it. Emptiness still holds within me, for cries only make me even ill.
"You're gone...and I'm alone...without a friend..."
Without a friend? How can she be without a friend? Does no human want to be her friend? Clearly, she was making an embellishment out of that statement. Even I could not be this desperate without a friend—not for this Pearl. But she cried because she was.
"Christine is my only best friend...I could never choose anyone but her..." Her tone goes even lower, her face full of tears, and she grips the orchid stem until a cut comes out. I feel unsafe for not being around her or having her know about me.
"I miss her...I really miss her..."
The human girl glanced with fondness, an eye that I didn't know could be so big. Despite many humans, she remains firm in her friendship with Christine. Though I find it difficult to see, I can understand such a bond with Starglaze, whom I have been closely attached to for a long time.
"I didn't know I had lots of friends. A human friend, even..."
"You really have a lot, Pearl," Starglaze mumbled.
"Pearl, I don't like your tone. Are you okay?"
My parents are standing like human beings, staying loyal to the voice of a saddened girl. Some people do hold something more by having something in their heart, but what do I hold for them? I have nothing, and I am holding nothing but another face. I feel unworthy.
"It's been years. Everyone forget, but not me..."
"Neither do we, hu—...Lisa." My father replied. Weirdly, he was uttering something else that almost caught my ear with a surprise. However, I find it useless to delve.
Would I be happy to have her know me, to have her make me somewhat a human? My human self looks more content and filled than I am, which I find hard to believe. The human girl had so many stories than I imagined I had for myself. Her voice, low yet smooth, speaks more about Christine in a way that I find more filled.
"*Sobs* Did I ever tell you how I met Christine...?" That grip was tight.
"You told us about that many times." Father heard too much.
What a story, always a story, but what was not a story? The human always had a secret behind me, and I am too late to know it. I felt empty, and her story brought no hope but a feeling of slight regret. If only I had a life so filling for what I did for her, but now I wonder how.
"Once it was an autumn, raining falls off so quickly, and I was but a drenched soul in a wilting town. There was no hope for miles, and I was growing cold to death. Nobody could save me, but she was there. She didn't just come and look, she lent me her arms and lifted me for a reason to stand up," she said.
"My mother looked upon me with low, but Christine saw me high. I thought once that she might have been a glimpse, but she was a twice! She cared for me enough that I had my life shaped by her words. Christine was not just a friend; she was the only one who wanted to look for me."
Such a fate. If we were intertwined by the discontent of our hearts, then there is no doubt that we get close so easily to fill it. Could it be that Christine felt the echoing space within her as it was made onto her? Such friendship goes to waste when it could last to fill us both.
Yet only one of us grew out of that void, choosing to see the light in a way we've never seen before. It is easy when you are not bound by a tidal wave of judgement and expectation, and you do not feel devalued by those who see you as simple as a toy.
"Didn't she say something bad about her at home?" My father decided to be funny.
"Well, she does say she's been going around with her just to prove that. So..." My mother whispered back.
"I've always wondered if Christine really cares about her if she didn't say those mean things about Lisa all day. Maybe she was just pretending she hated her?"
Does she love me as much as she relies on me? Do I really make her my Doorwell? Kindness is all I give to people, and some glimmers if you happen to be a good kid. But I also gave those who were filled with jealousy, seeded them with pain when I had to and made their suffering through oblivion. That's what the human said about me, too.
"Poetic...can you really deny that plea, Pearl? Who could've eaten that kind of compliment?" Starglaze has no grounding at this moment. He sees me as somewhat fun to make of.
"Pearl?"
I feel jealous, I feel devoid, and I feel even more lost. Why did the humans get to enjoy things? Why did I not get to keep or be satisfied with what I had? Every human had always made me feel not enough, and I felt so much unenoughness within me for a long. The Pearl of this stage was played over and over again for the people who didn't expect anything from her.
"Pearl? What's the matter with you?"
"You only have her now."
"Yeah, I do." I mumbled, answering the unquestionable statement. As Doorwell was once mine, so shall she who called herself Lisa.
"Oh, okay! Just wanted to ask."
Lisa—should the name matter—is the girl with whom I finally found an interest. Perhaps not to appease myself, but for someone I could feel close with our past. Perhaps we could share our void once again and become whole. We even had a like with a purplish figure.
"Phew, I feel so much better..."
When she was done mourning Christine by the picture, her head was clear as a glass. Those cries were made for me with a time for itself, and I was not expecting her to relieve so easily. But now, her focus was lying elsewhere.
"The rumour. Ms Starstuhm, the rumour..."
"You've heard the rumour, right? Evil corporate holding up children for cartoon properties? Turning kids into a toy? Some magical stuff happening inside?"
"What would you do if she was there? Would you still love her if she was one of them?"
"One of who...?" My father's tone was grim. I, too, would feel offended to be called "one of them" by a human.
"I don't know..."
She began to make her expectations from the stage. Many humans seem to be aware of my arrival, just not expecting my current self. Joylings were not always meant to see the outside world with a face that judged them for living in a different world. We could not be defined by human words.
"If Christine was there...if...if she was alive...I...." She was holding her arms upwards while her eyes were down.
"I would be happy. No, I would be so happy...so content I could not keep myself. Do you know how much I wanted that?"
Lisa was fascinated by that view, even grasping close to my presence as she heard more. I couldn't blame such a mind, especially for someone who found her half after being sullen for years. When she finds out that maybe Christine was out, maybe a glimpse of purpose finally rises from that dead body.
"I would do anything to see Christine, even if she no longer look like one. I only want to hear her voice and...and talk with her again..."
"Going around the street together, tossing rocks to kid and made fun of losers..."
"Losers? Heh, that's what she called them...I called those people sick."
Uncontentment with humans? How fortunate. But why would Lisa want to scorn her kind for me? Is that supposed to make her feel more worthy to me? But I always thought that you could not be loved when you are feared. Could Lisa be the one I've been looking for?
"What are you waiting for? Return to her..."
"I should return," I mumbled, leaving this chair and reuniting with my friend.
"Pearl, what?" Starglaze stops eating the few eggs he was given just to stop me.
"I should come. I should help her."
"Pearl, no!"
Resistance was met between me and Starglaze, as we found this human different from our expectations. The little star didn't want me to be happy and had me restrained with his edges. But I was a bigger foe for him, and I easily took him out with only a few pushes and pokes.
"Ouch! Pearl!" He fell down the floor.
"I'm not going anywhere, Starglaze."
I walked towards the living room, ready to greet my human friend despite my family's and doctors' will. I cannot let this void grow within me, for I choose to let her see it as I do. We will become whole as we were once a human, and Lisa will see the world of light together with me.