I opened my eyes slowly, greeted by a dim ceiling that honestly looked a little too elegant for the way my back felt. Pain radiated through my spine like I'd just been used as a human futon by two very aggressive stuffed animals. Correction—alive, breathing, snuggly stuffed animals.
"Ugh… why can't I feel my arms… or my will to live?"
Oh, right. Because I'm currently being used as a body pillow by two very persistent cuddle demons. One has silky blonde hair and kicks in her sleep. The other? Tiny. Floats. And occasionally sleep-talks about meat.
Welcome to my life.
"Alright, you sleepyheads!" I groaned, trying to wiggle free. "Time to get off of me before I become a pancake. We've got a house to steal. I mean—receive. Teapot House, remember?"
Lumine blinked awake slowly, rubbing her eyes like a cat disturbed from her nap. "Where are we going now...?"
I grinned despite being 70% paralyzed. "To see the ancient drop-dead gorgeous granny that I'd let adopt me, scold me, or vaporize me with a fan if she wanted to."
Her head tilted. "Who?"
I flashed my best 'oh you sweet summer child' smile.
"Madam. Freaking. Ping."
And so, we headed down to Liyue Harbor. The city was its usual aesthetic self: fancy, noisy, covered in glowing gold accents that made you feel poor just by walking through it.
As we approached, a calm, elegant voice floated through the air like a warm breeze.
"Ah, there you are, little ones."
And there she was—Madam Ping, the elegant grandma with the spiritual energy of a demigod and the fashion of someone who's been slaying since the Archon War.
"I have a gift for you."
Paimon zipped forward like she was launching into a buffet. "A gift?! For Paimon?!"
I narrowed my eyes. "She said us, floating food. That includes us peasants too."
Madam Ping chuckled like she'd just watched a comedy set in Celestia. "This gift is the Serenitea Pot—Rex Lapis gave us the ability to craft a realm within. A home, a sanctuary, shaped by your own desires."
And while she described it all—fancy housing, custom rooms, storage—I was already imagining my dream bachelor pad: one bedroom, infinite snacks, zero responsibility.
That's when we heard the voice.
"Granny! I'm back!"
A perky voice rang out behind us. We turned.
And I saw her.
She had pink hair, big eyes, and the professional aura of someone who definitely bills by the hour.
Yanfei.
My brain: System shutting down.
My heart: Arrested.
My mouth: "Heh… if it isn't the cute lawyer I'd let arrest me for tax fraud."
Madam Ping smiled like she was waiting for that."Ah, allow me. This child here is Yanfei. She helps me with errands."
Then, she turned to Yanfei and added, "I believe you've already heard of the Traveler and his companions."
Yanfei lit up like I'd just handed her a limited edition contract. "Of course I have! Who hasn't?! The Millelith's records are full of you guys."
She pointed at us with academic enthusiasm.
"Suspects during the Rite of Descension, right? Fought the Millelith, tangled with the Fatui, then helped expose an ancient god uprising, and finally cleared your names with the Qixing—seriously, I've read your file like five times."
I raised an eyebrow. "Damn. We're practically celebrities."
Paimon sighed. "Because we keep getting into trouble."
"And yet I'm still broke," I muttered.
Yanfei gave a crisp bow. "Yanfei, legal adviser. Got a legal issue? Come see me! "
Yanfei grinned and handed us a business card that had more sparkle than my current Mora stash. "Oh—and here's my card. Legal problems? Business hours are printed on the back. Also, don't sell contraband. Ever."
I nodded sagely. "No promises."
Just when I thought we'd get to chill, Madam Ping mentioned the Smaragdus Jadeite.
"Unfortunately, the Chasm remains under lockdown," she said calmly. "So you'll need to find an alternative method to obtain the jade."
Me: internally screaming.
"Guess we'll have to find another way," Lumine murmured.
I cracked my knuckles. "Alright. New plan. Lumine, Paimon—you go with Miss Attorney-at-Law over here. I'll go see if I can 'acquire' some of that fancy smokey jade."
Lumine frowned. "It's Smaragdus Jadeite."
I waved her off. "Same shit, different pronunciation."
Paimon shook her head. "Noooo, it's not! One sounds expensive! The other sounds like cheap perfume!"
"Either way,"I pointed toward the horizon, coat fluttering dramatically even though there was no wind, (I have no idea how it works) "time to find that old fossil again!"
***
And so, I set out on my extremely noble and not-at-all chaotic mission to find the fossil who got drunk with me yesterday at the wedding.
Because nothing screams "stable adult behavior" like hunting down a 6,000-year-old dragon man to help you commit minor housing fraud.
Step one: his workplace.
Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. Real cozy name. Love that. Totally normal place to start your morning.
Anyway, I sauntered over like I owned the place. Swinging open the door, I called out:
"Hellooooo? Dead people? Ancient grandpa who drinks like a fish? Anyone home?"
And there she was.
Brown pigtail menace. Smirking like she just rigged your coffins with confetti. Cute hat. Dangerous aura. Instant trouble.
"Another cutie spotted! Petting time—"
My hand didn't even finish the sentence before BAM!
Heel met face.
My soul left my body.
I was now one with the funeral parlor floor.
"Niiiiice kick," I groaned from the hardwood, shooting her a thumbs-up while my left eye twitched from trauma. "You trained under Xiao or something?"
Hu Tao casually twirled her staff like she didn't just commit a high-speed assault. "Try that again and I'll aim for your other eye."
I stood up, cracked my neck, and brushed imaginary dignity off my shoulders. "Soooo, where's your dad?"
Deadpan. Literal deadpan. She stared at me like I just asked if coffins come in bubblegum flavor.
"I told you. He's not my dad. I'm his boss."
"Same shit," I waved. "So where's the fossil?"
She tilted her head, pretending to think. "Hmm… maybe he's having tea. Again. Or maybe he's lecturing a wall somewhere about Liyue's geo-structure. Who knows?"
"You're an angel. Come here. Let me just—"
I pinched her cheek.
"Thanks, cutie!"
"Hey—!"
She raised her foot for round two, but I'd already bolted out the door, laughing like an idiot on a sugar high.
Destination: Yanshang Teahouse.
Where the tea flows like wine, and the wine is probably also tea.
And there he was.
Zhongli. The man. The myth. The mildly overpriced consultant.
Sipping tea like he's narrating an ancient contract about leaf shapes.
"Waddup, man," I said, plopping into the seat across from him like the human embodiment of chaos.
He looked up with that calm grandpa smile that says, I've lived through 37 wars and none of them were as annoying as you.
"Ah, Shigeru. A cup of tea?"
"Hit me."
He poured the tea like a sacred ritual while I immediately chugged it like it was boba on a summer day.
"Mmm. Tree water. Love it."
He sighed politely. "Do you require assistance today?"
I grinned like a raccoon in a dumpster full of stolen dumplings.
"Actually, yeah. I need this thing. Real shiny. Real rare. Real green."
He blinked slowly. "...Do you mean Smaragdus Jadeite?"
"That's the one! Smokey Jaded Diced Rocks. For the teapot thing. You know, house-hunting in style."
He nodded, swirling his tea like he could see Liyue's entire GDP in it. "The Chasm is currently sealed. Qixing orders."
"And yet," I leaned in, eyes glinting, "have you considered… we do something illegal?"
Zhongli blinked.
I swear I saw his soul leave his body for a moment.
"Again," I added.
He set his cup down slowly. "Ahhh... There goes my peaceful morning."
So there we were.
Standing at the edge of the Chasm like two idiots staring into a dark hole and hoping life wouldn't punch us in the face again.
Only one guard was stationed there. Probably a newbie. Poor guy didn't know he was watching the entrance to Shigeru & Fossil Inc.'s illegal mining operation.
Zhongli looked at me. I looked at him.
"We're not going to be wanted criminals again, right?" he said flatly.
I pulled out my big-ass claymore and slammed it into the ground like some ancient anime protagonist. "Nah, we do it classy now."
With the power of friendship, anemo, and the complete lack of legal permits, I infused the blade with anemo to make it float, then zapped it with electro for speed.
"Behold, my airborne surfboard of questionable legality!"
Zhongli pinched the bridge of his nose. "You made a flying sword with wind and lightning."
"And dreams. Don't forget the dreams."
He sighed so deeply I felt the weight of 6,000 years in it.
Anyway! I told him about a secret passage from the Chasm to Sumeru.
"We take that. Bypass all the laws. Commit mild trespassing. Minimal trauma. No new criminal records."
He hesitated, then nodded. "Very well. But if I end up in court again, I'm blaming you."
So we zoomed through the side route, landed somewhere deep inside a cave, and boom—The Chasm Maw. The abyss that looks like it eats adventurers for breakfast.
We both stared.
"…We're not going deep, right?" I asked.
Zhongli: "Absolutely not. I want to live a normal mortal life. Maybe get into gardening."
So we stuck to the shallows. Mining rocks. Smashing stuff. Looking for that jadeite thing. Real geology hours.
And of course, nothing good ever comes easy.
Some Treasure Hoarders showed up.
Of course.
"Oh no," I said, drawing my weapon, "side characters."
Because what's a wholesome illegal cave expedition without morally questionable gremlins attacking you for sport?
"We squaring up?" I asked.
"No meteor strike," Zhongli warned.
"Hey, I like breathing. I'm not trying to get crushed under your space rock."
We fought. We punched. We flipped. Zhongli did this elegant staff twirl and bonked some poor dude mid-air.
At one point, a guy tried to run, but I hit him with a flying boulder to the shin. Classic.
And then—plop.
Something shiny fell out of one of their pockets.
Zhongli picked it up. "Oh. It seems we've found what we came for."
I blinked. "You're kidding."
He wasn't.
I picked it up and held it in the light like I just pulled a legendary loot drop. "We've been out here digging like clueless worms, and the hoarder guy had it in his pocket the whole time?!"
Zhongli just sipped his emergency tea. "Fate works in mysterious ways."
"Fate needs to stop trolling me."
Anyway, we got on my airborne claymore (yes, it still worked, thank you) and soared back to Liyue like rockstar smugglers.
We landed with flair near the harbor and made our way to—you guessed it—Madam Ping.
She was already out tending to her plants when we arrived.
Her eyes flicked up. Saw Zhongli.
Wide-eyed for a split second.
"...Rex L—" she started.
He nodded, and she composed herself like a true queen.
"Madam Ping!" I called, holding out the jadeite like a lost kid with a shiny rock.
She examined it. "Good. Good. Then we have all the materials we need."
I swear, I shed one single, beautiful tear.
"Finally," I sniffled. "No more sleeping outside. No more cramped beds. No more being sandwiched by the cuddle demons."
Yes, I called them cuddle demons. You try waking up with Paimon on your face and Lumine on your spine.
A few moments later, they arrived.
Yanfei. Lumine. And my personal sleep paralysis demon, Paimon.
"You're late," I grinned. "Our home's finished."
"Really?!" Paimon's eyes sparkled. "Our own home?! Paimon can have her own room?!"
"Of course. But we need to make furniture, too. So unless you wanna sleep on the floor, grab a hammer."
They were thrilled. I was thrilled. Madam Ping got to work like a magical architect grandma. We all turned to herand thanked her like she was a divine IKEA godmother. Even Lumine smiled. That's how you know it's real.
Yanfei said her goodbyes, citing legal work or other lawyer-y stuff.
Zhongli nodded at Madam Ping and whispered something to her.
She smiled. Then teared up.
And my gut twisted.
Because I knew what he said. Of course I knew.
We're bringing back Guizhong.
Before he could walk away, I called out:
"Yo, Zhongli!"
He paused.
"When we finish decorating, let's have a drink in this teapot with everyone!"
He smiled.
Nodded.
And walked off into the golden light like the fossilized badass he is.
And thus, Operation: Housing Trouble came to a close.
I looked at our teapot with a sense of accomplishment usually reserved for turning in group projects solo.
Finally. Our own space. Our own home.
No more camping like hobos!
I could already imagine the luxury couch. The kitchen. The Paimon-proof snack cabinet. The sword rack. The—
...Oh no. Next up was our adopted older brother, Dainsleif.
I sighed.
"And of course... The Chasm of Trauma arc begins..."
__________________________
End of Chapter 69
Quests Completed:
*Avoiding Charges: 101 with Yanfei
*(Somehow) roped Zhongli into a 3 a.m. rooftop conversation about mortality and housing
*Recruited the strongest old man alive for a construction job
*Discovered a Maw of Anxiety and chose not to go deeper
*Looted a jadeite from a man's pocket and called it "destiny"
*Do NOT Let Zhongli Drop a Meteor
*Repeatedly reminded him he's not allowed to "accidentally reshape Liyue"
*Built a teapot house using pure determination and absolutely no legal permits
*Cried real tears watching Madam Ping craft the teapot like it was magic IKEA
Rewards:
*+1 Trust with Lumine
*3x Zhongli Side-Eyes
*+1 Emotional Baggage
*+1 Temporary Travel Buddy (Zhongli)
*1x Radiant Jadeite (found in a Treasure Hoarder's pants???)
*1x Fully Constructed Housing Realm
*3x Shigeru Happy Tears
*+3 Morale
*+3 Cuddle Demon Evade Chance
*+1 Whispered Goodbye from Zhongli
*+1 Teapot Dinner Invitation
*+100 Emotional Warmth
*+10000 Future Troubles Unlocked (hello, Dain.)