Sigh.
That was the first thing I did as my eyes opened to the familiar sterile white lights. I instantly knew where I was without needing someone to tell me.
"The infirmary," I muttered with a weak smile.
So I didn't die?
For a moment, just before I lost consciousness, I was sure she had sliced off my torso from the rest of my body. "Hahahaha!"
I couldn't help but laugh—it was stupid to even think I would be able to land a hit on that monster in the first place. I am weak, always was, always am, always will be.
"Hmm," I hummed, looking at my lean wrist. I was so thin, it felt weird.
Well, at least I didn't die.
Not that that is a good thing.
At that moment, that final moment when I gave my all into that last dash, I was prepared for death. Such was life in this world—the strong ruled and the weak could only await their inevitable fate... death. Death one way or another, either at the hands of monstrosities or your own kind.
"... I wonder, a world without ether... would there be more equality?" I muttered, looking at my hand as I flexed it.
Of course not. That in the first place was a stupid thought. Humans will always be humans. It doesn't matter if it's a primitive era or an advanced one—one rule will always reign supreme: the strong thrived while the weak would always remain... the weak.
But I wonder, what was that feeling? Why was I so... tired of it all? At that point, the weakness in me felt like it was suffocating me. I hated the way she looked at me, I hated the disdain I saw with every step I took heading for that platform, I hated the pathetic cowardice I felt—the feeling that made me want to bow my head when I saw someone more powerful.
Someone capable of erasing me with just a gesture.
At that point, I didn't want to bow anymore. I didn't want to avoid the disdainful glares. I wanted to stand before Natasha and make her kneel. I wanted to destroy that pride I sensed within her. I didn't care what led to that point anymore—all I wanted was to break her, to see fear in her eyes.
"I'd rather die than remain this weak." It left my mouth before I could stop it.
Wait, it's that feeling again.
"Don't say that!"
I was startled by the hand that grabbed my shoulder roughly, and that made me look up to find... a girl? A girl about my age or younger wearing a lab coat, staring me in the eyes with a gaze that unsettled me.
"Who... are you?" I frowned and asked. I don't know this... wait, I think I have seen her somewhere before.
Hmm.
I can't remember.
Well, all I can say is, she's really pretty.
Black lustrous hair and ruby red eyes.
It wasn't my kind of red eyes, which was more blood-like red and intense—it was more light, beautiful. Wait, someone in my class has these eyes. Freya, right? But I have seen Freya before; this isn't her.
"That doesn't matter for now," she said. Her gaze was really unsettling me now. "What you did was stupid... DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID IT WAS?! IT WAS REALLY STUPID!"
Sigh... I sighed, letting the strange girl yell. I was feeling so empty now, more than ever. Perhaps it's because I lost. I don't know where I got this... pride, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that this pride was broken by my loss, and now... I no longer felt that push, that push to keep... living.
Sigh.
"LOOK AT ME!" Her grip got stronger, and I was forced to look her in the eyes.
"What?"
"Why did you do that? Why did you try to end your own life?" She was hot, I won't lie—those red lips were distracting. Hmm, I still can't remember seeing her anywhere.
"... It doesn't matter... Not even my parents will miss me," I smiled. "You are really pretty." Now that I felt this way, I just expressed myself. Every bit of fear that ever held me down no longer existed. Hmm, it seems the fear of death is the genesis of all fears.
And now that I no longer felt it, I felt... fear was gone.
"..." She just stared at me silently, her mouth opened but no words came out, and then—
"HUH?" I blurted as suddenly, I was hugged tightly.
"What are you—?" I tried to ask, but then I felt her hands caressing my head as she spoke.
"... I can't... understand what you're feeling now, and I won't lie and say I do," she said, her voice all of a sudden gentle. I kept silent.
I want to sleep.
"Just let me do this... I hope it makes you feel better," she said.
... It doesn't.
But it's not like I hate the affection. I just don't feel.
Anything.
... Just what have I done to myself?
What am I becoming?