CREAK SHUT
"..."
I closed the main door behind me and began walking across the street. The month has changed. It was already the last month of the year. No, Christmas is still very far. Yet, the winds have picked up their pace. They were almost kicking me in the stomach through my double-layered jacket. As the wind blew past me, it accompanied a bunch of dry leaves and some winter insects. Winters suck but this was the worse.
I was walking through the neighbourhood towards the market area. The sky was clear blue with no streaks of white running across.
"Ah, just like that day," I said aloud.
As I walked past the station, I was in the market area now. The variety of shops one can find here is limitless. There was a newspaper shop, bakery, restaurants, coaching centres, banks, consultancy offices, game centres, medical shops, movie theatres and anything you would ever need in life. I wondered if there are people who have visited every single building in this area.
"That person must be non-existent."
We humans, even though wanting to do a lot of things in our lives, oftentimes have to settle for much less. Life is a story about sacrifices after all.
Our meeting spot was close but yet three and a half kilometres from my house. It was only reasonable to take a ride. The next bus would come in seven minutes. I decided to wait at the bus stop. As I waited, I saw a mother of two carrying her children in a baby trolley pass by. No, I didn't wonder how they would grow up to be, but rather the first thought that crossed my mind was how she would manage her two kids. Most women in their thirties would do a job to bring in supplemental income for the family.
"Will she be able to handle her work and her two kids well and become a good parent?" I wondered.
Good parenting is always associated with freedom. One where the children were given full autonomy to grow and decide for themselves. Parents should only suggest what they think is good, but it is up to the children to decide. Whether they want to follow it or have other ideas in their mind. Parents definitely cannot ask or command their children to do certain things. They had to have trust in their children that they would succeed. Children are the future, but that future is of their own and not of their parents. They are not to serve as mere second chances for our parents to fulfil their abandoned dreams.
SHRIEK
The bus came in. It was an old and rusty bus, probably about 30 years old now. Rust was peeling off its body from everywhere. Even the floor, despite being nickel-coated, has rusted over time. Holes and broken frames show all over the inner body. Crying out loud in pain every time the brakes were applied. Yet it somehow held itself going. As if it were fighting against the very nature of being alive. This much fighting spirit was something not everyone could have in them. I stepped on the bus and took a seat near the window. The seat was not especially bad.
"How far?" The bus conductor was collecting the tickets.
"Bompas," after telling him my destination, he gave me a thin, rectangular white strip of paper that came out of the ticketing machine he held in his hands. In black ink, there was "BOMPAS" and "5:22 PM" written on it in a typewriter font, along with a bunch of different labels.
"16 Rupees," the conductor demanded.
"..."
I reached for my sling bag and pulled out a 20 Rupee note, and handed it over. After putting the change away, I went back to staring out of the window. As the bus moved on, dawn would fall over the city, and a strange sense of joy would erupt in the marketplace. The city of Kolkata is really cruel in its name. Those who enjoy it call it "The city of Joy". But those who don't cannot call it any different. They are doomed to live a desperate life in joy.
SHRIEK
After a while, my stop had come. I carefully walked out of the bus so as not to give it more pain than necessary. As the driver accelerated it a loud growl came out of its engine, signifying its pride and never-lasting fighting spirit, and the bus went back into motion.
The location was still 200 metres from here. As I began walking, I noticed the Moon had risen. It was the third day of its waxing phase. The sky was clear. As a result, far more stars were visible tonight.
.
.
.
After walking for about 10 more minutes. I was finally here. Without wasting a moment, I began climbing the stairs to the roof. Man, why does this building have no lift? Lifts should be standard in all buildings with more than 2 floors. It's just way more efficient. But, not that grumbling would bring about a change.
"Again, late," I said as I opened the door to the roof.
I put down my bag and pulled out the tripod. After carefully adjusting its height using the knobs, I placed a mat on the floor and put the camera on it. The lens was still attached to it from last night. I pulled out the base from the tripod and attached the camera to it before sliding it back in.
"All set now."
Being it over a week she is teaching me I could do this myself already. Had anything not improved, though, it was her timing.
KLICK KLICK SHRUTTER
I took a base shot at a very low shutter speed to judge the focus. As expected, it was terrible. After adjusting the focus in the live view using the focus ring, I took another shot.
KLICK KLICK SHRUTTER
"Looks good to me," I said, looking at the screen.
I then positioned my camera to capture a group of stars. I pushed the aperture to 2.8 and increased the ISO to 1600. As the sky was quite clear, the stars appeared quite bright already. So, I kept the shutter speed at 10 seconds as the starting point. I then took several pictures of the sky, fine-tuning the parameters in the process.
.
.
.
"This one is jittery, this one, ummm, not so sharp, again a jittery one…"
CRREEAAK
As I was skimming through my gallery, I heard the creaking noise of the door. As the door opened, a cold wind blew through it. It was chilly and scary. I turned around in surprise, but only to see a girl wearing a full-sleeved white sweater and a white skirt beneath. She is like those cartoon characters who wear the same clothes all the time. Maybe her wardrobe has several sets of the same clothing.
"Good evening, Chhaya."
"..." she nodded lightly.
She came closer and glanced over my setup for a moment before putting down her bag on the floor. She crouched and then brought out her equipment and began preparing her setup.
"We are taking pictures of a planet today," she said, fixing her tripod.
"A planet?"
"Yes, Jupiter, to be exact."
"Jupiter?" I said, before turning towards the sky.
"You cannot distinguish it from the stars. It would be only visible in a telescope. But for now, we will take some pictures of it with our cameras," she said, placing the camera on the tripod.
"But where is it located in the sky?"
"Wait," she said trying to twist the screw below her camera. She sure was taking her time doing it.
"You want any help?"
"It's just gotten old," she bent down and turned her head, pointing at the base of the tripod. She then tried twisting the nut below the tripod. She pulled her hair back and tied it in a low ponytail. She was having a hard time trying to fix the camera on the tripod.
"You sure don't want any help?"
"No."
It was pretty dark out on the roof. There was a light, but it faced the door. I grabbed my phone and turned on the flashlight.
"No, don't turn on the flashlight."
"You are struggling to see the nut."
"No, I can see it. Don't turn on the flashlight."
She asked that twice. Guess she really does mean it. I turned off the flashlight and sat on the mat. Wait, hold on. A man should always help a woman at times like this. She might be just hesitant and not want to ask for help. But that should not stop me from helping her.
I got up and mustered the courage to get near her. She is not that scary for me now like before, but still being that close to the opposite gender is not something I am very used to.
"Let me help," I said while searching for the nut beneath the tripod's base.
"..." She moved her hands away from the tripod and got up.
After searching for a minute in the dark, I found the nut, but it was quite hard to twist. How does she do it every night? I took a deep breath and gave it another go. It didn't even budge.
"Be careful," she said, pausing in between the words.
"Yeah, don't worry. I am too broke to afford a new one for you."
I twisted the nut with all my might. Man, why won't it move? Does she even maintain the tripod regularly or not? After several attempts, it finally moved. I screwed the nut tight and got up.
"There you go."
"Okay."
"..."
Wow, man, girls with their hair tied up look way different. The tie was done in a hurry. Her bangs fall from behind her ears, and a thin strand fell over her face. It was messy, but it gave her a totally new look. If the Chhaya with her hair down was the standard, then this is definitely premium for me.
"What?" she asked, puzzled.
"Ah, n-nothing, it's just, you know, you look good in a ponytail. You should tie up your hair more often."
SWISH
She removed the hair tie, and her hair fell naturally over her back. We were back to the standard Chhaya now. Ah, she must not like my compliment. She turned away and bent down, staring at the camera screen, adjusting some parameters.
"Is your focus ready?"
"Yeah, I also took a few shots before you arrived."
"Good, so let's get right away to the session," she said, standing up.
"Sure."
"Take a look there," she said, pointing towards the east, "You would see four stars near the horizon lined up."
"Yeah, I can barely see them," I said, squinting my eyes.
"The third from the top is Jupiter. It's barely visible as a star. But it is a planet."
"Wait, that is Jupiter?! It's really hard to tell it apart from the rest of the stars."
"Jupiter is too far to be visible to the naked eye. Even Mars or Venus would have been seen as stars," she explained.
"Oh, so you need a telescope to see them?"
"Yes, without a telescope it's merely a star."
"How can you tell them apart?" I asked.
"It involves some mathematical calculations to predict when a star, constellation or planet would be visible. It's quite complex and unrelated to photography, so I will skip it for now."
"Oh, I see." I wonder if every astrophotographer does it.
"So, let's try taking Jupiter in the frame. Make sure to place it in the middle of the frame."
"Sure."
We both went to our setups and rotated the camera eastwards. I started with a base setup of low shutter speed and ISO but a wide aperture.
KLICK KLICK
.
SHRUTTER
[Illustration link - https://ibb.co/3Q55Y8P]
The image showed a bright star, which I suppose was Jupiter. It also accompanied several other stars.
SHRUTTER
Chhaya's camera just finished taking the shot. She must have set the shutter speed longer. I went towards her and glanced over her screen.
[Illustration link - https://ibb.co/8gLhmLYt]
"Wait, are those…" I pointed to the tiny dot-like stars just beside Jupiter.
"Jupiter's moons. You could not capture it because you set the shutter speed too fast. To capture the moons, too, you should set it slower and increase ISO."
"Ah, got that. So, the smaller the object more time it takes to capture it."
"Exactly. The smaller the object, the less light that comes from it and thereby the longer the time required to expose it properly. Some stars are so small that it's not possible to increase the shutter speed without avoiding trailing. So in those cases, you need to increase the ISO or the aperture too."
"Oh, understood," I nodded and went back to my camera screen.
I adjusted the parameters to the right amounts and took a shot again.
KLICK KLICK
.
.
SHRUTTER
[Illustration link - https://ibb.co/VWzTf8gs]
"Wow, Chhaya, you are a genius. I can see the moons," I said, showing her my screen.
"You have lost a lot of stars in the process, but it's okay. The moons are pretty clear."
"One, two, three, eh? How many did Jupiter have anyway?"
"More than 90 are recognised."
"90 Moons?!" I did hear larger planets like Jupiter and Saturn have many moons, but to have this many.
"The sky has all sorts of amazement hidden in it. Good things are always hidden behind a veil," she said, looking up to the sky.
"True," I followed her and looked at the stars in the sky.
"It feels weird that we all are sharing the same sky. But we all have many different interpretations of it. For a normal person, it might be another starry night. But, for me, the stars bring us a ray of hope. Even when our sun has set, the suns from other solar systems and even other galaxies are still illuminating the sky. No matter how dim they are, they are still trying their best. They want us to keep going. They are telling us not to worry, that they are still there to support us."
"You could be a good poet, Chhaya!" I said, chuckling.
"..."
She lowered her gaze for a moment.
"Ahan, do you have something that has been bothering you?"
"..."
"Well, I do have something that has been bothering me for a while," she glanced at me and then continued, "You were trying to kill yourself that night, right?"
BATHUMP BATHUMP
"I know, sometimes, it just does not feel like we are worthy of living. When self-doubt and guilt overtake our minds, I know how it feels. You feel so tired of everything that even breathing feels like a task. Your mind becomes shrouded in bad thoughts. You began imagining what would happen if you were to disappear from everyone's life. That's when you end up there. You never decide to do it, but you happen to do it anyway. Like a self-voluntary action."
She held her chest tight and lowered her gaze.
"I know how it feels. I know. But I also know how it feels afterwards. It feels terrible, like the worst. You feel you have committed the biggest sin in your life. It's such a sin that you could never make up for it. Not even with your life. You will be hurting yourself and everyone who cares about you. They will never be able to recover from it. You will never be able to recover from it, even in the afterlife. I know," she was screaming at this point.
"..."
"That's why, Ahan. Please, don't do it. Please, don't even think of it. Please, don't take your life, Ahan. I might not understand what circumstances you are going through. They might be much worse than I imagine. But no circumstances are worse enough to not have a solution. But what you were trying to do was definitely not it. I am sure there was a better way. Yes, there are better ways to do it. You just need to find them. Finding them is hard, I know that, but it is totally worth it. Because in the end, Ahan, it will be all right, everything will be all right," she has calmed down now. She came closer to me and tried grabbing my hands, but stopped midway. She paused for a while. Then she began talking to me in a sweet voice I never knew she had.
"If you are angry, vent it out. If you are sad, cry out loud. If you are in a pinch, ask for help. I am sure many people will help you. There was never a shortage of good people. You only need to find them. But right now, I am here. I cannot be of any help, actually, but I could be an ear. So, please tell me everything," she said, extending her arm to reach me. I saw her smile for the first time, but it was not the moment I desired it to happen in.
"Ahan? What's on your mind?"
"Shut up, Chhaya."
"..."
"Don't talk to me like that. You are talking like you know everything."
"Yes, I don't know anything. That's why I asked you, will you tell me everything?"
"SHUT UP!! Don't just assume things on your own. WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT ME?!"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Yeah, that's because that's how much trust I have in you."
"..."
I hurried and grabbed my setup. I didn't disassemble it and just threw it in my bag.
"I am grateful for how much you taught me. I am not coming from tomorrow onwards. Don't even come to find me. I hate you and never want to see you again."
And just like that, my relationship with Chhaya ended abruptly.
.
.
.
SLAM SHUT
I closed the door to my room and threw my bag around a corner.
THUD
I fell on my bed face down. The lights in my room were still off. The windows closed. Heater off. Every single sound could be clearly heard in that moment. The glass windows of my room rattled as the winter wind blew into them. The sound the clock's seconds hand made filled the ambience. As I changed my posture, the bed creaked. Every sound I had never noticed was now screaming in my ears.
"Ahan, are you back already? Dinner is ready," said my other over the door.
"I am not hungry."
"Don't eat a lot. Just take a light dinner then."
"I said I am not hungry. Leave me alone for a moment!"
"What is this behaviour, Ahan? What has suddenly gotten into you?"
I wrapped the pillow around my head and sank deeper into the bed.
What the hell is with her?! She had always been strict with me. Never going beyond the point. She would not even reply more than what's necessary. Her eyes never showed any glint of emotion. Her body would always be stiff. She showed no reaction to my comments. I always thought that was just how she is. But, I kinda admired that. She would not bother me. She would not lecture me. She would not tease me. I liked that she was different.
I turned around, facing the roof and placed the pillow below my head.
Why would she do that to me? Why would she suddenly start lecturing me? Why would she try to reach closer to me? Why would she smile at me? Why would she talk to me? WHY?! Why would she pretend to care about me?!
ARGH, this is the worst. The worst, the worst, the worst, THE WORST!
SNIFF SNIFF
"I know how it feels. I know. It feels terrible, like the worst."
My ears were ringing with her voice.
"I might not understand what circumstances you are going through."
Yeah, you knew nothing to begin with.
"They might be much worse than I imagine."
Much worse than you could ever imagine. SNIFF.
"Yes, I don't know anything."
Yes, you know NOTHING ABOUT IT!! NOT A THING!!
"That's why I asked you, will you tell me everything?"
Just shut up already. ARGH! I don't need to hear from you. You cannot help me. Go out of my head.
"I cannot be of any help."
Yeah, you too are no good! SNIFF.
"But I could be an ear."
SOB SOB
"If you are sad, cry out loud."
SNIFF WEEP WEEP
"If you are angry, vent it out."
AARGH!! AHA-ARHA! WAIL
"Because in the end, Ahan, it will be all right, everything will be all right."
No one had ever told me that it would be all right. My parents say I won't make it in the future. My teachers say I will soon begin failing grades. My classmates never saw me in high hopes either. Everyone. Everyone just sees me in disbelief. But she is different. She saw me in belief. She believed I could make it. She believed I could succeed. She held high hopes for me.
AARGH!! AWA-WAA-WUAA!
What have I done? I have committed a crime.
SNIFF SNIFF
I need to fix everything before it gets too late. I need to apologise to her.
SLAM
I locked my room and went straight to the porch downstairs.
"Ahan? Where are you going this late at night?"
"I have to apologise to her."
"Whom? Ahan?! Listen?"
SLAM SHUT
I unlocked my bicycle and rushed towards our meeting spot. It was already night. Buses have already closed for the day.
WHOOSH
I didn't care about the wind. It was cold, but not so much to bury my will.
CLICK-CLACK-CLICK-CLACK
I began pedalling faster now. Traffic was worse in the market area at night. Everyone seemed to be on a shopping spree today. But I could not hear it. I could not hear the honks coming from the vehicles. I could not hear their engines growl. I could not hear the people who passed by me. I could not hear the world today. All I could hear was the sweetest voice I've ever heard in my life. It was hers. The voice that I am chasing right now. The voice for whom I am riding my bike tonight. The voice that rang like a chime in my ears right now. The voice, so sweet that even rosogulla tastes bland.
SCREECH
I didn't lock my bike and rushed upstairs. I opened the door to the roof and opened my eyes wide. But it was an unfortunate sight.
HUFF HUFF
I held my knees, supporting my whole body on them.
"CHHAYA!"
I never imagined I would scream her name out loud.
"If you are here, Chhaya. Then, I am sorry. I am sorry I acted like that with you."
I turned around, hoping our eyes met each other.
"You were right. I did try to end it there. But you know what? I could not. I was so scared."
SNIFF
"I didn't had the courage to do it. I never had the courage to do it."
SOB SOB
"Chhaya, please. Please, if you are listening. Please forgive me. I know you must think of me as a jerk now. I am a jerk. I have always been one. But I wish to change. I don't want to be a jerk forever. I-I just don't know how to say this. But-"
SNIFF
I rubbed my arm on my eyes and held my chest tightly.
"You were correct. I do feel like I am not worthy of living. Bad thoughts are all I think about the entire day. I feel like if I just disappeared somewhere, everyone's life would become so much easier."
SOB SOB
"But I also want to live. Just like everyone else, I want to live. I want to become a part of their lives, they are not ashamed to talk about. But I don't want to just live. I want to live with a reason. Something I could wake up to every morning. Something I could do all day and night. Something I could be proud of. Something that does not allow me to do otherwise."
AHA-HAA-ARHA
.
.
.
I had no control over my emotions. Everything I ever wanted to say, everything I never wanted to say. I said out loud. But in the end,
"It was of no use."
She had left already.
I lowered my gaze and turned towards the door. I held the cold metal handle and turned it, opening the door. A cold gust blew past me.
"Thanks for sharing it with me, Ahan."
My ears were not ringing this time. I turned around quickly. My mind could not believe what my eyes saw.
"C-Chhaya. I-I am sorry. I am really very sorry." I said, bowing down on my knees.
"Why are you apologising? Friends don't do that."
Friends?
"..."
"Yes. Your challenges won't go away for now. Your struggles are still there. But you don't have to face them alone anymore, Ahan. The past might haunt you, but you cannot erase it, you cannot alter it, you cannot forget it. It has become a part of you. You have to acknowledge it. But you have to move forward. "
"What should I do then?"
"You cannot change the past, but you can change the future. The future is still in your hands. Sometimes, you just make a mistake and take the wrong picture. What do you do then, Ahan?"
"Take another one," I guessed.
"Exactly, there is no way you can fix the photograph once it is already taken. So, you re-adjust your parameters. Re-adjust the scene. Re-adjust the camera. You learn from your mistakes and then, you, Retake!"
"..."
"It's the same with our lives. Mistakes cannot be undone. But you can learn from them. Become a better version of yourself and lead a new life. So, Ahan. Are you ready now? Are you willing to, Retake? Could we now become friends?" She asked, smiling at me.
That was the same smile from before, but this time, the situation was far better. It was the most innocent smile I have seen. As she smiled, small dimples could be seen on her cheeks. Her eyes were relaxed and focused on me. Her subtle eyelashes decorated her eyes. Tears formed tiny droplets over them, adorning them like shining diamonds. Her face was smooth and flawless, yet so frail and pale-looking. It shone like glass under the moonlight. I could take all the time I needed to memorise this view and cherish it forever. It was so beautiful that even the moon would blush looking at it. Only someone not in their sound mind would not notice her. How could someone say no to this magnificence?
"Yes, of course, Ch-Chhaya."
She smiled, hearing that and turned around.
"Look, the marigolds have begun to bloom."
There was a plant stand on the rooftop. Several pots were placed on it across the three shelves. Medium-sized plants grew in each of them. They were already budding. A few of the marigold buds had already bloomed. The scent of marigolds covered the rooftop. It was strong and poignant, but at the same time, it reflected a change. A turn in nature's cycle. She crouched near one of the pots and adorned the flower.
"Marigolds typically bloom around late winter here. It is said that its bloom symbolises beauty, warmth, creativity and a drive to succeed. It is often used in decorating houses and temples during the New Year. Additionally, in Mexico, they are regarded as an important symbol used during Day of the Dead festivities. It represents life but also acknowledges the dead."
And just like that, my friendship with Chhaya bloomed like the winter marigolds.