"Aholah, i have a very important question for you and i hope that you be as geniune as possible in your answer." Khadijah probed me when she got to the hostel. i was already on my bed, she climbed my bunk to speak privetely with me.
"What is it Khadijah?" i said retrieve my ear buds from my ears and putting a pause on tiktok skits i was watching.
"Aholah, what do you think about Jesus? Who is Jesus to you?"
Is this some kind of test or what?Why the sudden questions about my faith?
"He is God. He loves us enough to... die for us. And He wants us to be... forever saved from our sins..." i paused. "That's all i can think of." i shrugged.
"Saved from our sins?" She queried, already retreating from my bed. There was something in her voice that said 'no no no no no' to me. That shaking of head that you do when you aren't sure you want to believe what you are hearing.
"Yes ma'am."
"Are you born again Aholah?" she winced, uncomfortable with her own words. SEnior Khadijah can be very sweet when she's anxious and shy.
"I am!" I spewed out without thinking. Hypocrisy gets easier when you shut your mind to your conscience and sense of reasoning. Last time i checked i had decided to kill them myself.
"Okay, I'll be sleeping in my office today." She said so passionately like she was talking to a best friend.
"Why? Hope no problem?"
"i need to pray. I feel like Jesus is angry with me." she paused. i was quiet. Shocked that she'd open up that much for me. Why is she telling me this?"I feel so bad and angry with myself. Have you ever felt that way before?"
I had to think. What does she want from me? Why is she suddenly over friendly and trying to be vulnerable?
"I have."
"I just hopes he forgives me..."
"I hear God forgives everyone that asks of it. Come on Senior Khadijah. Nothing is worth your sadness."
"Thank you sis." She jumped down.
Maybe she's also stuck in the same place i was as a pastor's child. Maybe she realized she could keep up with the numerous obligations and pressure as a Student pastor. i feel for her, I just wished i was in the right position to help. She has approached the wrong person. I'm lost myself.
Khadijah's POV
God, i'm sorry! I screamed in my head. Please will you take this emptiness away from me? Ever since her encounter with the young lecturer in his office i had lost confidence in myself, my words, my prayers. i wake up everyday with this void, this emptiness, this feeling of loss, feeling like stranger in my own body. And i don't want to go on about my dream life. It's been hell everynight. I can't pretend. I have adopted the library as my parmanent office during lecture hours and i do nothing near to reading there. God, help me! i cried. I had stayed till everyone left the chapel and i was sure i was the only one in the building. I knelt in the dark crying my life out on the office tiles.
I must have slept off on the floor of my office or maybe carried by some unknown forces into my bedroom at home because that was where i found myself. my parents and two brothers lived in this one room apartment, so small that after the family sized bag, the onle space we had left was for a two sitter cushion chair and our clothes.
I found myself sitted on one edge of this chair looking into the face of an unknown man dressed in crisp iron suit like one going on a job interview. I looked over the bed and my family laid there asleep and snoring. What am i doing here?
"Khadijah." he called out, as if reading my thoughts.
"What am i doing here? I'm supposed to be in school."
"Oh you know that." he chuckled. There was something about this man, about his chuckle, it was gentle and light. I've encountered so many strange men in my life and i must say that he was different and seemed like someone i could be safe with. i liked him already.
"khadijah, what exactly do you want from me?"
I went on my knees immediately. "Mercy, Lord. I have made a grave mistake. I have sinned against you and against my own body."
"You know mercy would not cancel the consequences and evil transaction that happened on that day."
I wept at the thought that something big had been stolen from me within less than ten minutes of immorality with my lecture, Crazy and unfair. I wish i never agreed to mark the script. I wish i never answered his call.
"You allowed the devil succeed in his mission to steal your purpose in this school from you. You have failed the teenagers that you were meant to save Khadijah. Including Wura, your primary assignment."
wura? Is Wura not saved? She just confirmed to me that she is born again. She's probably better than me now. yes i saw her in dangerous places in my drems but...
God knows the truth that i don't. Have i truely lost her? She knows God!
"I'm sorry!" I shrieked. "Please help me recover..."
Have i truly lost destiny? Will i ever be revived? Why is god's mercy notgonna save me from the grave consequences of my sin? He used a darker force on me. I was held down for a moment on that chair unable to moved while he provoke my body with his hands. Why am i carrying this all alone?
"You have failed Khadijah." He shook his head. "Only God knows..." He stood up and walked away.
His footsteps spoke the rest of his words. A bible verse came to mind and i knew it was God's word to me. Proverbs 24:16, a righteous man falleth seven times and rises up again. Hm...
I wept out of sleep.