Awareness....acknowledging that something is happening or that it exists.
That was the feeling I had when I realized that I was crushing on his best friend so hard I couldn't leave him alone if I tried. I started talking about him, writing about him and even daydreaming about him but it was so wrong.
My best friend still had a crush on him and by the way they spoke and laughed at each other I thought he felt the same. The key word however was thought because while his words were saying one thing, his actions had started to do another or at least that's how it was from my perspective.
In those slow days approaching the summer, our group would sit under the shade of the shitty outpost near the field watching athletes train their asses off or lounge at the back of the school in its unfinished building. We'd be constantly lamenting over how people should listen to better music, telling our histories, laughing and sharing little things.
These days were few and far in between for me as I wasn't fully assimilated in that friend group just yet. While I did have my best friend there, and I was slowly leaning into them, I wasn't fully convinced I was welcomed into their tightly woven circle of friendship.
However, even in those few minutes, whenever playdough and I's energy would meet, I saw it; the lasting looks, eyes meeting for a few seconds too long, gentle touches that were unnecessary but not obvious, small acts of kindness that doubled as friendly and flirty, dime a dozen compliments that could have been thrown at anyone. It would have been easy to give in, to fall into a delusion that he liked me back despite the overheard conversations between him and my best friend.
But poor overthinking me, unable to shake the feeling that there was more to it than my little eyes were able to make out. Just like that, overthinking every little thing, summer came and with it, there was no contact. Unable to see or reach my now friends, no longer acquaintances, my people, my clique. The first true friend group I had, or at least the first true group that valued me.
That summer I spent in contemplation of what to do when I see him next, anticipation of reigniting the crush I now held dear. Who knew that all it would take was a wretched horrible incident to give me the lack of care masked as self-confidence to actually pull of my daydreams.
All it took was the violation of my small yet beautiful frame to crack the lens of my reality completely. That kiss I had witnessed had moved the dirt from the lens, but that kiss and those touches I experienced over the summer had cracked it completely.
Without any proper way to cope and unable to feel anything anymore I simply leaned into the pain. Embraced my dark thoughts and played tag with my fears. I adopted the notion that surely such a 'respectable man' would never bypass all the women I looked up to and seek out me if I wasn't special. There must have been a reason why I was his pick, so if I was his pick, surely, I could be my crushes pick too. Whatever 'charms' I had used, if I practiced enough surely it would work right?
Thus, my self-training in a course on seduction began. Shorter skirts, more fitted dresses, higher heels, lip gloss, hair up, confident smiles, cat-like grace and eyes. The eyes were my selling point, stare as if the eyes were having a conversation with the soul. Never let them know you were internally repulsed by human touch, no. How could your crush like you if you couldn't even pretend to like men?
By the end of that summer, I had completely mastered fake confidence, and this was going to be the selling point of my new personality. They would never know, I was always quieter they would just think I came out of my shell and was finally opening up around them. The only person I needed to really sell this to was myself because if I believed it was so then, everyone else would too.
So, the following September, I walked back into my new classroom, new purple water bottle, matching bag and hand sanitizer. Clean shoes, hair done, smelling amazing and fully prepared for class, not the prettiest, not the girl obsessed with beauty, not even the smartest but definitely not the worst. A quiet calm confidence that had been practiced and mastered, the difference and deciding factor between me and those kids. I had been able to take down a grown man with just my appearance, what did they know of true power or true passion. Their fleeting crushes had nothing on the blissful havoc disguised as a crush I was ready to wreak on that poor innocent soul.
It was the same day I met my lifeline, people who would stand beside me when shit inevitably hit the fan. The week after during an icebreaker session one of them asked me about my crush whom she nicknamed playdough. I had laughed at the story behind that nickname, one that was not soon to be shared with him but always remembered and often used for secret conversations.
The same day when I saw him and again chuckled over ridiculously cute that nickname was, an eyebrow was curiously shot up at my clearly internalized joke. Making him none the wiser I had set my plan in motion. His eyes were now on me and so I smiled, not a toothy wholesome smile like normal, a small smile but my eyes, fixed, unshaking staring into the depths of his soul until he broke.
The nervous chuckle that escaped his throat was like music to my ears and I looked away. While I wanted to continue this and really push him, we were still just in phase one, day one, no need to rush. And so, this continued for the first month or two of school. I made sure not to be obvious in fear of hurting my best friend, but I just wanted him to choose.
By now it was clear that even if he didn't have a crush an interest was there, so I played on that for two months. We were travelling into a new change in our friendship, tethering on flirty, nothing obvious, but insanely good and sinfully forbidden. By this point he and my best friend had kissed, they had weekly make-out sessions, groping, touches, teases, caressing but never all the way. Yet he flirted with me like leaves changing color for autumn, barely noticeable but always there.
Small winds had begun to blow us I the same direction without anyone the wiser, we thought we were hiding it well and for a time we did, but attraction is not easily hidden, and I was swiftly made aware when my best friend had asked me if I had a crush on him.
The look of pure determination on her face told me that she absolutely knew what was happening but had refused to say anything. Not wanting to further hurt her feelings, a simple acknowledgement was all that could be mustered in that moment.
So, you can imagine my surprise when she proposed that we both vie for his attention. I pondered on why she would want to have competition for the guy she liked and of course being my curious self, I asked why. Another shock was delivered when I found out playdough liked not only her but me also.
Having a crush on two people at the same time was always a strange concept to me. Was one person not enough to satisfy your curiosity? Did you like different aspects of the persons or were they so similar that you couldn't chose which you liked more?
After all we both had the same interests, same hobbies but very different build so it was not the physical attraction, it had to be something else.
I'll bite.
This was going to be interesting. 2 girls 1 guy and 3 months of fuck ups.
I however had no intention of losing to her, I didn't spend an entire summer weaponizing myself only to lose to my pupil. Afterall, every slightly seductive gland under her skin were all imprints of me. Things I had taught her in secret, girl to girl, friend to friend, and here she was confident enough to put those skills to the test against me of all people.
I was ready to get this shit started because all I could think about was how much fun this was going to be.