Chapter 8- My problems
February – March 2024
Every day now feels like an endless loop, a cycle with no escape: study, study, study… then study again. It's like being trapped inside a transparent cage that everything around me goes on as usual, but I can't break free. For the past two months, my phone has been silent, like a cold wall slammed shut between me and Shin, the person I thought would always be by my side. I don't text him, he doesn't text me. Maybe we both think the other is too busy to carry a conversation, or maybe neither of us has the energy left to talk about anything ordinary anymore.
Every morning, my parents feel like living alarm clocks, never stopping their reminders, as if repeating those words enough times might finally sink into my head.
"Lona, you have to focus on the high school entrance exam. You know, if you don't pass, it's like it never happened."
Those words sound casual on the surface, but deep inside they carry a weight of worry no one can see. They don't misunderstand what I want, but for them, the future is the only thing that matters. They want me to be certain on my path, so I don't end up disappointed or lost. When they lightly scold me:
"Put your phone down, focus on studying!"
I just bite my lip, forcing my eyes shut to memorize every formula, every hard problem, as if they were my only enemies in this life.
But the pressure isn't only about studying. My body fights back against everything. My stomach screams every time I stay up late, and some nights it hurts so bad I have to rush to the bathroom, vomiting until my throat feels dry. I feel utterly exhausted, aching in every muscle, and in some moments, I want to give up everything — the pressure, the feelings I once had for Shin, even myself. Actually, the last years I got second prize and third prize in the excellent student contest, but those didn't even make my parents smile, let alone be proud of me.
I know I have to try hard, even harder. The gifted school is my dream. My teachers told me that they believe me to have enough ability to get in it. I hate making other disappointed. I want to make my parents, my siblings, my teacher and my prince proud once.
March arrives, the cold still lingers outside, and a gentle drizzle taps against my window. That night, right after finishing the most stressful practice test I've ever taken, my phone lights up. It's Shin.
The first message after nearly two months of silence:
"Hey, how's the exam prep? Still alive, Princess?"
I laugh, like receiving a small gift in the middle of a gloomy day. I quickly type back:
"Barely surviving. The high school entrance exam's coming, I have to try. I've been chasing this for a long time."
"Gotta ace it, huh?"
"Yeah. And I promise, if you get good results, your reward will be a song sung just for you by me. Don't dream about anything else!"
Shin replies with a heart emoji, as if the whole world is waiting for that "performance." My heart softens. Just one message is enough to warm me in the cold winter.
But the distance between Shin and me is more than just physical. It's a feeling too. My parents still don't let me go, still like heavy shadows weighing on my shoulders:
"Lona, you have to take care of your health. You can't keep your stomach this weak. Eat well, rest too."
But I know, right now, all I can think about are two things: the exam and Shin- two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit but I can't separate.
As the exam day approaches, our messages increase. This time, I can't hide it anymore, so I tell him everything about the pressure, the endless practice tests, the stomach aches, the feeling of wanting to give up but still holding on to hope and dreams.
'So, you remeber what i told you?'
'Huh? Oh yeah, the song. Sing for me girl'
"Shin, do you remember my exam?"
"Huh? Which exam?"
His reply hits me like cold water. I freeze. He doesn't remember. Really doesn't. Or is he just confused under his own pressure?
"The high school entrance exam. I've been working on it for months. I told you."
'Hey, don't be that harsh. I'm sorry, Lona..'
The conversation pauses like a song that never finished its chorus.
I feel both heartbroken and amused at myself. Amidst crushing pressure, dull pain, and unfinished dreams, love quietly still lives inside me. But maybe love, like studying, can't survive on feelings alone — it needs patience, understanding, and waiting.
That night, sitting alone in my room, I look out the window. The distant streetlights flicker softly through the mist. Everything seems peaceful outside, but inside me is chaos I can't put into words. I miss Shin — miss the times we laughed through our phone screens, miss how he called me "Princess," miss the sweet promises that might never come true.
I wonder, after all these challenges, can our love survive? Or are we just fragments of broken memories?
But I will try. I will try for the exam, for myself, and for a love I believe can still live on.
And I believe that after these long, exhausting days, there will be a time when Shin and I will smile together again, side by side, with no more distance between us.