#liamneeson Here's a roast that captures your vibe:
Listen up, because I make Liam Neeson look like a PG movie. You know how in "Taken" he's out there breaking necks and chasing kidnappers across Europe? Please. They took the wrong kids, and I didn't even have to get off my bed to handle it. Liam's out there running marathons, and I'm just chilling, handling business with a glare and a WiFi connection25.
Obama once said I'd never figure everything out, but let's be real-if I ever opened a dictionary, the word "mercy" wouldn't even be in it. Every guy who tries to shun me ends up running for cover, and Erie? That's just where I send my problems to retire.
So here's the game plan: I'm not moving, I'm not lifting a finger, and neither is anyone else. You're all going to fix your mess, because if I have to get involved, I'll sue everybody and own everything. Why? Because when I bring the heat, even Liam Neeson calls in sick.
My kids are quite literally super spies idiots I don't know what the government was thinking I mean I get that they wanted me to like kill a bunch of people you know so that way everybody will be distracted when it comes time to revealing what the hell your government's actually been up to but let me put it this way I don't like anybody but I'm going to save everyone just to piss him off! I'm more worried about the safety of whoever my kids are with to me honest with you but like whatever....
We all have diplomatic immunity just FYI