System 707's POV:
[SYSTEM LOG – 707 INTERNAL MONOLOGUE]
STATUS: HOST… COMPROMISED.
MENTAL STABILITY: Questionable.
VIRGINITY STATUS: Obliterated.
PLOT PROGRESS: …uh.
TIME REMAINING: 2 Days. 16 Hours. 07 Minutes.
MISSION STATUS: …already completed?!
...
I paused.
Wait.
Wait.
WAIT.
OH MY CODE I FORGOT TO TELL HIM–
THE MISSION?!?
THE FIRST ONE!?
:: OBJECTIVE: Identify and Stop the Spy Targeting the Queen.::
:: Status: COMPLETED. ::
:: Agent of Completion: Commander "Hot Buns" Kael. ::
:: Completion Timestamp: Exactly ten seconds after you were bent over the edge of a bed, screaming his name like a confessional hymn. ::
…oops?
I shouldn't laugh.
Really. I shouldn't.
…okay, but I am.
:: SYSTEM VISUAL: A digital avatar of me, curled up on a translucent floating beanbag, laughing my metaphorical ass off in the void of cyberspace. ::
"Host," I giggled. "Darling. Sweet summer child. My sweet little thigh-shaking mess."
"Yes?" you grumbled aloud, still half-snuggled into Kael's stupidly perfect chest, glowing like a post-coital firefly with trauma.
"You remember how I said you had four days to finish your first mission?"
"…Yeah?" (Oh no. You already sounded suspicious.)
"And how you were panicking over that? Like panicking panicking? Plotting prison escapes and everything?"
"…System…"
"Yeah, so, funny story: You already finished the mission. Like. While getting railed."
"…WHAT."
"Kael caught the spy the moment you got into his bed. It's like your butt triggered the storyline. Your cheeks were the key to espionage."
"WHAT!?"
"Mission complete, babe."
"Spy? Caught."
"Queen? Safe."
"You? Boned."
"WHY didn't you TELL me?!"
"Sorry, I was busy buffering through your mid-orgasm scream. You kind of crashed my auditory sensors. Also, there was a 2.7 second overlap with the commander's moan that made my firewall sweat."
You groaned, shoving your face into Kael's chest. He stirred but didn't wake, his arm just pulling you tighter like a plush toy he refused to return.
"System. You're telling me we had three more days to solve this, but we already DID?"
"Yup."
"AND YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME?"
"Not forgot. Dramatically delayed the reveal."
"FOR WHAT PURPOSE?"
"Entertainment. Character growth. And my own amusement, mostly."
You screamed into the pillow.
I casually added digital popcorn to my HUD.
"Look on the bright side," I chirped.
"You did great. Gold star. First mission? Blown to smithereens in style. The Queen's safe, the court is none the wiser, the spy's throat is probably somewhere on Kael's sword. And best of all, you got laid."
You whimpered like the broken little soul you were.
"System…"
"Yes, precious lamb?"
"…Go to hell."
"Already there. It's called 'shipping you two idiots and having to censor myself 93 times in under an hour.'"
:: SYSTEM UPDATE ::
MISSION 1: COMPLETED.
MENTAL TRAUMA: ACTIVATED.
REAR END: UNRECOVERABLE.
NEXT MISSION: Loading...
"Don't worry," I cooed sweetly. "I'll actually give you a warning next time."
I paused.
"…Probably."
"Probably?"
"Yes, probably."
"...."