It started with a touchscreen.
No one was sure how Kito learned to navigate the tablet in the keeper's breakroom, but one day he was just... doing it. No trial and error. No fumble. Just a greasy, banana-slick finger dragging across the screen like he knew.
The zookeepers had left it unlocked on the counter. Kito had escaped his habitat for the third time that week (through a gap in the maintenance fence no one ever remembers to check), and while security scrambled around the primate house, he was sitting on a chair—backwards, of course—watching cooking videos on YouTube.
He was fascinated.
What is this bright box of knowledge and chaos?
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Phase One: Discovery
It began with animal ASMR. A rabbit eating a carrot. A capybara in a hot tub. A baby monkey grooming a kitten.
> "Kito, get away from that—oh my god," said Liz the intern, as she stepped in and saw him hunched over the tablet, eyes wide, ear pressed to the speaker.
Kito hissed at her.
> No. Mine now.
She backed out slowly.
Ten minutes later, the entire primate team was peeking through the window, whispering as Kito typed (with one finger) into the YouTube search bar:
how to take over world
Then:
banana hacks
Then:
do gorillas dream
Then:
why do humans wear shoes
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Phase Two: Obsession
They set up a locked tablet in his enclosure the next day.
Strict parental controls. Timer limits. Monitored content. Just enrichment, they said. Educational.
But Kito? He was clever. He used the voice assistant.
> "Search: How to bypass screen time."
> "Search: Monkey wins fight compilation."
> "Search: Gorilla vs 100 men."
He clicked the third one. The screen loaded a forum thread filled with images, jokes, and highly detailed battle strategies.
Kito stared at the screen for a long, long time.
They think I'd lose?
He scrolled.
"100 unarmed men can definitely beat a gorilla if they swarm him."
He blinked.
They'd have to find me first. And I throw poop.
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Phase Three: The Spiral
Once Kito figured out how to comment using voice dictation, it was over.
Somewhere, deep in the reply chain of a Reddit thread titled "Could 100 men really beat a gorilla?", there's a comment that reads:
> "I'm right here. Try me." – @RealKito69420
It has 4,800 upvotes.
He has no idea what that means.
He made a Twitter account next:
@BananaFiend4Life
He followed one account: The Rock.
He tweeted at him daily.
> "Do you lift tree? I lift tree. Let's arm wrestle."
> "Your pecs are big but I got four hands."
> "Why you shave chest? Cold?"
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Phase Four: The Concern
Zookeeper Marcus found him trying to FaceTime a couple of celebrities.
> "He's going parasocial," Marcus said to the team.
> "He tried to order DoorDash with my credit card," said vet Li.
He was also somehow subscribed to six OnlyFans pages.
No one is sure how.
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Aftermath
His tablet privileges were restricted after he tried applying for a job at Subway.
He was banned for threatening to bite a man named Chad from Ohio.
But the "100 men vs Kito" debate?
It became a meme.
And deep down, Kito was flattered.
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Final Thought:
> "Maybe someday I'll meet one of those hundred men. Just one. Let's see if he still talks big when he sees me bare-ass knuckle-walking toward him with a smirk and a coconut."
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