When I woke up, I was still covered in glitter.
And not like cool anime afterglow glitter.
This was shame glitter.
Sticky. Cursed. Eternal.
"System…" I croaked. "Am I dead?"
Status: You're alive. Barely. Dignity: Deceased.
I sat up in the crater, back cracking like popcorn.
Across from me, Vex was still embedded in the metal wall. She twitched. Groaned.
Alive. Somehow.
Note to self: Rubber chickens are now S-class weapons.
I wobbled to my feet, still riding the high of a half-dead win. My Core was faintly glowing—a dull, exhausted purple like it had just run a marathon while telling knock-knock jokes.
And that's when the sky glitched.
Literally.
It pixelated.
Paused.
Then rebooted.
NEW THREAT DETECTED.
From above, a screen unfolded like a god's PowerPoint presentation.
A giant, red hologram flickered into place.
UNIVERSAL BOUNTY BOARD UPDATE
Target: Kaz (a.k.a. The Idiot with the Laughing Core)Bounty: 980,000,000 CreditsThreat Level: Cosmic JokeStatus: Kill on Sight. Or Stab. Or Mock. Just End Him.
"Oh," I said. "That's not good."
Vex peeled herself from the wreckage and staggered next to me. "You broke the sky," she muttered.
"I do that sometimes."
Her brow furrowed. "The Universal Bounty Board only activates for world-class threats."
"Aw, you think I'm world-class?"
"No. I think you're a mistake the universe regrets."
Just then, a ripple split the horizon.
Something was coming.
Fast.
Violent.
And weirdly… comfortable-looking?
BOOM.
A purple couch fell from the sky and crushed three cargo containers.
Then it stood up.
It had arms. Legs. A mustache.
It flexed.
"...That's a couch," I whispered.
"SILENCE, ORGANIC FAILURE." the couch bellowed. "I AM CAPTAIN LOVESEAT, GENERAL OF THE SENTIENT FURNITURE FLEET."
"I take it back," I whispered louder. "I'm still dreaming."
Another figure descended behind him.
Tall. Lean. Dressed in a lab coat covered in crayon drawings of brains.
One lens of his glasses was shattered. The other glowed neon green.
"Dr. Lobotomy, reporting in," he said with a cheerfully evil grin. "Kaz of Half-Dead Laughter—you have been deemed hilariously dangerous."
I pointed at Vex. "I already fought a gravity warlord. I don't need a couch."
"That couch is stronger than most planets." Vex was already backing up.
Captain Loveseat cracked his armrests.
"Prepare for Comfortageddon."
Boss Fight Initiated: Dr. Lobotomy & Captain LoveseatRecommended Response: Cry, maybe.
I ignited my Core again.
My body twitched. Energy surged. Purple lightning shaped like laughing emojis danced around me.
"Fine. You want round two? I got punchlines for days."
Vex whispered, "We should run."
"Run?" I blinked. "You're scared of a couch?"
She pointed at the crater behind the couch.
Inside it, a recliner was loading a minigun.
"...Oh," I said.
"Yeah," she muttered.
And just like that, Ashen Core went from a solo comedy-action story to a galactic war with sentient furniture and mad scientists.
The battlefield warped.
The ground became plush.
The air smelled faintly of lavender.
Comfort… was a lie.
Time to weaponize laughter again.