Free time was always the best time of the day.
The facility liked to pretend it was more than just a prison built to make sure you don't hurt yourself or others by putting in 'school time' and 'gym class' at certain points during the day. Those times were also basically free time, except you had to pretend to be doing something, like sudoku or playing basketball or something else completely useless. The official free time was much more, well, free. They played a random movie on the communal TV and let everyone do basically whatever they could to occupy their time.
Dazai, of course, took this time to mess with the other patients and talk to whoever would listen. On rare occasions he would pass out at the table, if he was tired enough. Mostly though, he got his entertainment through others.
Some more boring patients preferred to keep to themselves during this time, such as Akutagawa, who preferred to read his book rather than interact with anyone. Mostly though, regardless of what mental illness they had, the other patients were desperate for interactions with others, and so engaged in conversations while doodling or playing games together, letting the movie run in the background.
Dazai in particular always brought a pair of cards to carry around during free time so that he could trick people into playing with him. He cheated to win every time, and it was really just to secretly interrogate the people he played with, but they didn't need to know that. To his ire, Dazai was taken here straight from the hospital and did not bring his usual pair of cards. Hopefully Mori would come in at some point today with clothes and the playing cards. Until then, he had to settle for doodling with the others.
He sat at a table with Akutagawa, Atsushi, and Chuuya, although Akutagawa was reading his book and obviously trying to avoid conversation.
"So Atsushi-kun, what are you in for?" Dazai laced his fingers together, leaning onto his hands as he peered down at the other teen.
"I- well, I, uh-" Atsushi stuttered, avoiding eye contact with Dazai as his eyes flitted around the room.
Chuuya smacked Dazai on the arm, giving him a glare before turning back to the other boy.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, Atsushi." He reassured, which made Dazai roll his eyes dramatically.
"Fine, whatever. Let's talk about why you're here instead." Dazai quickly turned his gaze to the other boy with a cheshire grin on his face.
Chuuya was unimpressed, "You already know why I'm here."
"Details chibi!" The bandaged boy chirped, no less eager, "Who did you hurt? Did you send them to the hospital? Did it feel good?"
Rage filled his eyes and Dazai felt vaguely like he was watching a bull toe the dirt as it prepared to charge at a red flag except Dazai was the red flag. Instead of giving in to the anger like he expected, Chuuya closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Then, as his eyelids once again revealed those light blue eyes, the flames waving within them changed direction. The hot anger became a cool hatred so fast that Dazai almost questioned whether that fire was ever there at all. There was no less passion, but this new controlled wrath was much scarier than the reckless energy of before.
He smiled, which was another tip that Chuuya was not to be messed with right now, but Dazai pushed down the sudden heat in the room and stared back unblinkingly. In fact, his own grin only got sharper.
Finally, someone willing to push back.
"What about you Dazai?" Chuuya practically purred, "How many times now have you failed to do the one thing you want to?"
They stared at each other, neither willing to back down.
Okay.
He took back everything he'd thought about Chuuya. The other boy wasn't interesting; he was a menace.
"Mean!" Dazai whined, "Chuuya is so mean!"
And sure, yeah, he did make a solid point. If Dazai really wanted to kill himself so much, then why has every single attempt on his life failed so spectacularly? That was a question he never wanted to look too deeply into, preferring to believe that he was simply too strong to be killed.
"Oh I'm the mean one?" Chuuya raised an eyebrow in disbelief, "You have literally gone out of your way to make everyone here uncomfortable." He gestured to Atsushi, who was watching the exchange with wide, nervous eyes.
The white haired boy paled at being brought into the conversation, looking to Akutagawa for help, but the goth kid simply lifted his book higher to cover his face more, leaving him to fend for himself.
"I just have a curious mind." Dazai defended himself, not all that upset at being called out.
"Bullshit."
"It's true! I would never lie."
At this blatant falsification, Akutagawa lowered his book with a bemused expression on his face, still listening in on the conversation.
"Dazai-san… you lie all the time." Akutagawa said with intense seriousness, like it was a well known fact that Dazai should've known.
The older teen sighed deeply, "Ryuunosuke… it was a joke."
"But it wasn't funny?" The raven haired teen, bless his heart, looked incredibly confused.
Chuuya burst out into laughter at that, holding onto the table as leaned back with the force of the laugh. Atsushi also chuckled, although he had the decency to try and hide it behind his hand. Akutagawa only looked around with increasing confusion.
"That wasn't supposed to be funny either?" He frowned, giving up all pretense of reading his book in favor of puzzling out what made the other teens so amused.
That only sent them into another round of laughter. This time even Dazai let a grin crack his face, somewhat relieved that the other boy's lack of social understanding got his table partners to smile.
Especially Chuuya's laugh. It was so boisterous and joyful! Dazai hadn't ever heard a laugh that made his chest feel as light as this. It was odd.
The quiet smile on his own face was wiped away just as quick as it arrived though as he caught movement outside of the activity room. Yosano was welcoming a man into the visiting room, turning back towards Dazai with an unpleasant expression. As they locked eyes, she quickly switched her face to something unreadable, although it was a little too late for that.
The light that had made its way into Dazai's eyes was extinguished as he stood up before she even reentered the room.
It looked like Mori had finally shown up.
"It appears I have a visitor." Dazai began airily, interrupting his group's laughter to announce his goodbye, "I'll be back soon. Don't miss me too much!"
He met Yosano outside the doors, ignoring whatever the others had to say in response to that.
His mood was all over the place today, going up and down before he could get settled with whichever emotion he was feeling. The ideal emotions for him to be feeling were none at all, so he supposed it was lucky that his father had arrived because every time Dazai was forced to have a conversation with the man, he left it feeling so much more achingly numb than before.
She said nothing besides reminding him of the rules of talking with visitors, knowing exactly how his visits usually left Dazai feeling. Yosano, knowing Dazai's history, didn't feel much respect for the man who was unfortunate enough to have raised him. He despised that the doctor knew him so well, but that was bound to happen with how often he spent time at this facility.
Mori wasn't blatantly physically abusive, and nothing close to the worst father that anyone in this place had ever had, so they couldn't turn him away at the door. Also, with the amount of lies Dazai's told, and given that he was an underage troubled teen, everything bad he said about Mori was taken with a grain of salt.
All that being said, if Mori was visiting, then that meant he must've brought Dazai's things. Hopefully he would get to change into his own clothes and maybe show off one of his card tricks to the others.
One of the nurses had to be in the room as visitors interacted with patients, but Dazai was relieved to see that Fukuzawa would be the one standing in the corner rather than Yosano. The doctor had a tendency to glare at the duo while they talked. Fukuzawa didn't seem the type to do that.
Dazai sat down across from his father at one of the many empty tables in the room, ignoring the only other two patients who had visitors right now; Kenji and Lucy. He stared into Mori's eyes with his own indifferently cold ones, waiting for the man to speak first, as he always did.
"Osamu." Mori greeted, attempting a smile.
He looked exhausted, bags underneath his old eyes and more wrinkles than before creasing his forehead. The same dull eyes that he'd inherited looked drained of all life. Although what could possibly give Mori gray hairs, Dazai had no idea. He thought the man never had a soul in the first place, so he had no reason to look so tired of life.
"Mori." Dazai returned, keeping his face blank as he emotionally removed himself from the situation.
It was almost like Mori could see it happening in front of his eyes, even though Dazai was sure he gave no indication of it. The attempt at a smile dropped from his face and Mori breathed deeply.
"Did you sleep well?" Mori asked in a way that made it clear he didn't really care for the answer.
"Like a baby."
"And you haven't caused the staff any trouble yet, have you?"
"No sir." Dazai drawled slowly, showing his own boredom with this line of questioning.
Mori clasped his hands together on the table, attempting to look like a concerned parent.
"How have you been feeling? Still having those thoughts?"
Dazai didn't respond, staring blankly ahead. Mori sighed again at his son's lack of response.
It's not that he didn't feel comfortable responding to those questions, he just didn't really feel like giving a response when they both knew that Mori already knew the answers.
From an outside perspective, Mori wasn't a terrible father.
He must care about his son somewhat, to have him put into medical care to get the help he so clearly needed. It's not like he was terribly abused to the point where other people could tell. Mori had a wealthy salary as a famous surgeon, and so Dazai never grew up with a lack of food and shelter.
He was given everything he could possibly want from a material view. Toys, clothes, all the games he could possibly want. He grew up in a large mansion, doted on by servants and given the best education money could afford. Mori wasn't around much but that was fine because they didn't get along anyway.
Compared to the backstories of some of the people that ended up in here, Dazai's upbringing was privileged and something that he took for granted.
How dare he have a bad relationship with his father, at least he had one. How dare he complain about being neglected, when he was constantly surrounded by servants. How dare he want to die, when so many people would kill to have his position in life.
It wasn't fair, is what people would say. He gets all these gifts and he doesn't even appreciate them.
It didn't matter what people said about it though. They weren't the ones living it.
They didn't really know.
Mori gave his son a long, tired look, "I wish you would try harder, Osamu."
He spoke as if his son's suicide attempt was disappointing. Maybe he was talking about Dazai's lack of effort in his own recovery, but all the boy heard was that he needed to stop teasing Mori with suicide attempts and actually succeed at it for once.
"I'm trying."
It didn't sound believable to either of them.
Mori looked down at the table, "Elise woke me up crying last night, worried that you found a way out of the hospital and died. She was scared that you would haunt her for not helping you enough."
Dazai scoffed, ignoring the creature inside his chest that was slowly eating away at his cold, blackened heart. Guilt-tripping him into recovery had not worked in the past, and it would not work now.
"That's stupid. If I do manage to die there's no way in hell I'd stick around. Also, there's nothing shecould possibly do about me."
"She doesn't understand that, Osamu. She's just a child. All she knows is that her brother keeps ending up in the hospital and one day he might not come back."
"Step-brother. She shouldn't care so much."
For once, Mori looked exasperated, as if all the energy it usually took to appear cold and emotionless had suddenly left him.
"But she does." The man sighed again, "Of course she worries about her only other sibling, even if you aren't close."
Dazai didn't respond again. Nothing he could've said would've been sufficient enough to alleviate the tension. Even apologizing for the trouble would've only made the situation worse.
What would he have been apologizing for? His fucked up brain? Or for causing such trouble? Either way, it would not have been sincere.
He was not sorry.
The only regret he had about this was that he was still alive. Everything else was irrelevant to him.
"Did you bring my stuff?" Dazai changed the subject before any more guilt could be forced upon him. It wasn't his fault that Mori's brat decided to care about a lost cause.
"Yes," Mori didn't look happy with the deflection but indulged in his son's avoidance. It was easier than pushing him. "Although I truly hope this is the last time I have to pack a bag for you to stay at a place like this."
"Me too," Dazai grinned with no emotion, fully aware of their contrasting meanings on why he shouldn't keep coming back here; as alive or dead.
They sat in silence for a moment longer.
Mori searched Dazai's face, trying to read his son, but Dazai had learned how to hide his emotions from the best. The student had surpassed the master, as they say. Nothing outwardly betrayed what he was thinking. It was useless anyway, because he wasn'tthinking.
He was numb, detached. Mori would not find any regret or reason in Dazai's eyes, for there was nothing there.
Absolutely nothing.
"Can you promise me something Osamu?" Mori asked, one last attempt at reconciliation.
"Depends on what it is." Dazai responded.
Mori didn't outwardly react to his unwillingness to comply, but Dazai had known him long enough to know that his father was displeased with him.
One of the lucky things about being inpatient though, was that Mori couldn't do anything to him in here. No matter how annoyed he was with Dazai, he couldn't touch him.
"Will you actually try this time? I know I haven't been the best father-"
Dazai let out a laugh of disbelief.
"Not 'the best father' Mori? Do you really think so?"
He shouldn't have been poking the bear with such blatant sarcasm, but when he was in such an apathetic mood, he didn't really care about the consequences of what he said or did.
"Well you haven't exactly been the ideal son yourself." Mori retorted, dropping the facade of a concerned parent.
"And whose fault is that?"
"Do not blame me for your own shortcomings."
"You raised me to be like this."
"According to what you tell your therapists and anyone else that will give you attention, I apparently didn't raise you at all."
"So you do care what I say about you." Dazai smirked, believing he'd successfully won this round of mental chess.
Mori pinched the bridge of his nose, once again sighing as if talking with his only son was the most difficult part of his day.
If he didn't want to deal with Dazai, then he shouldn't have gotten his mother pregnant. Everyone would've been happier if he'd used a condom that night.
"Of course I do. I just want you to be okay, Osamu."
Ah, so he was back to pretending to care about him.
"Just please try," Mori locked mirrored eyes with him again, "If not for me or Elise than for yourself. You deserve to live a full life. One that you are happy to live in."
Dazai's breath caught in his throat.
His father had never sounded so sincere, or so exhausted. If he didn't know his father better, he might've believed it. That maybe Mori had changed since he was a child, and that he did genuinely want his son to be happy.
But he did know him, and he knew that the only reason Mori wanted him to recover was so he'd stop having to pay for hospital stays and medications and covering up his son's accusations and cleaning up after his attempts and-
What game was Mori playing at?
"You and I both know it doesn't matter what I do or don't deserve." Dazai responded coldly.
The truth was that after everything he'd done in this life, Dazai probably didn't deserve happiness. The only justice for his existence would be his own death.
But life wasn't fair.
Sometimes good people that deserved life died too early, and sometimes evil beings that should never have been born were forced to live on instead. Death didn't let good people live, and it wouldn't let him die.
"Osamu." Mori spoke quietly, almost pleading.
"Mori." Dazai did not change his tone.
His father just closed his eyes in mock defeat, shaking his head in disappointment.
It was fine. Dazai had been disappointing Mori since he was conceived.
They didn't speak any longer. Mori left from there with nothing but a quiet 'see you soon' and a halfhearted wave, no hug. Dazai left the room feeling significantly more numb than when he'd entered it, but returned to the activity room with a smile on his face regardless.
The table was the same as he'd left it, although now Ranpo and Poe were sitting down with the others as they had an animated discussion. Chuuya looked at him curiously as he came back in, breaking off from whatever conversation the group was having to greet him.
"What poor unfortunate soul thought it would be a good idea to visit you?" Chuuya sneered as he took a seat next to him.
"My dear, beloved father," Dazai grinned with no emotion, "Coming to remind me of what a disgrace I am."
Chuuya frowned, looking into the hallway that Kenji was currently saying goodbye to his family in, "He looked sad."
"I would be too if I had such a shitty son." Dazai blinked in confusion, wondering why the hell Chuuya would care about his father's apparent bad mood. He tilted his head down at the other boy, who looked back at him with calculating eyes.
"You're not a shitty son."
Dazai forced out a laugh, one that was grating even to his own ears.
What the fuck?
"You wouldn't know, Chuuya-kun. You're not my daddy, and I refuse to ever call you that. You're way too short." He teased, trying to ignore the part of his stomach that was in knots over this random guy saying that about him with such undeserved confidence, such blind faith.
Chuuya's face flushed as red as his hair and he sputtered out a reply in a slightly higher pitched voice than usual.
"I don't want you to call me daddy, you freak!"
"Oh?" The bandaged boy couldn't help but tease him further, reveling in the embarrassment coming off of the other boy, "Would you rather call me daddy?"
"I'm not calling anyone daddy!" Chuuya covered his burning face with his hands, looking at Dazai with eyes like an angry feral cat.
At this point he was almost shouting and the rest of the table had finished their conversation to listen in.
"There's nothing wrong with having a daddy kink, Nakahara." Ranpo said sagely.
"I don't!" Chuuya cried, nearly screeching out his defense.
"I've heard it's normal to have one. You don't have to be ashamed of anything in here. This is a safe space." Atsushi looked incredibly uncomfortable but gave a reassuring smile nonetheless.
"I don't have a fucking daddy kink. Shitty Dazai was just being an ass."
If Dazai was in a better mood, he'd be laughing hysterically right now along with the rest of them. However, he was still feeling dull from Mori's visit. He pretended to find the whole situation amusing anyway, letting out fake laughs as the group continued to playfully mess with Chuuya.
The conversation resumed after that, although not before Chuuya cursed up a storm and made several threats that Dazai had no doubts on whether he'd keep. Dazai didn't contribute beyond the occasional joking comment, not at all in the mood to be chummy with a bunch of crazy people.
Instead, his mind ran through a million thoughts like it always did, plaguing his every waking minute with memories and overthinking and new ideas for a suicide technique.
He couldn't really try it in here unless he wanted to stay even longer. They were under watch basically 24/7 and if they thought you were still a danger then they would keep you for even longer than the one week minimum. He'd just have to be patient and wait until he was released to try again.
No more messing around though. All of his attempts had been lackluster, all of them with a small chance of survival but a chance nonetheless. He needed to get over himself and just go for the obvious one that would hopefully leave no room for error.
He'd have to shoot himself in the head. Even thathad a possibility that he could survive though, so he'd have to go even further.
It required more planning, but luckily he had plenty of time while he was stuck in here with only his thoughts and a bunch of weirdos.
He'd tried so many times and yet he was still here. Was he really that much of a failure that he couldn't do this one thing correctly? No, something must've been stopping him. Maybe he had a guardian angel that was trying to get employee of the year. Or maybe Akutagawa was right and he was immortal. At this point, Dazai was willing to believe almost anything.
It had to have been anything, besides himself. Anything but his own hesitation for some stupid reason.
It had to be.
"-Hey, Dazai. Hey, stop that."
A warm hand grasped his own and he was jerked back into the present, only made aware of his surroundings at both the physical touch and wide, worried eyes of Chuuya Nakahara.
He looked down and realized that he'd been scratching the back of his hand without realizing it, tearing the skin away slowly until a red, raw patch of flesh became exposed. Luckily, Chuuya had stopped him before he started really bleeding. It just stung and felt sticky underneath his fingernails.
"Ouch." Dazai said, expressionless. He pulled his hand away, covering the marks, and subtly looked around the room to make sure a nurse hadn't seen that happening.
If they thought he was hurting himself, they'd make a worker follow him around everywhere. It would suck to be given a personal nurse to keep watch over him even more than regular.
"Don't be a fucking idiot." Chuuya's soft voice garnered his attention once more. He was speaking quietly to not alert anyone else to what just happened, but an inexplicable anger still remained in his words.
There Chuuya went, breaking expectations again.
When most people were confronted with his self harm, they brought it up in what they probably assumed was a careful way.
'What happened here?' You know what happened.
'Don't do this anymore!' Who are you to tell me what to do?
'Where did you get these?' Where do you think? Don't pretend you don't know exactly how I got these.
But Chuuya didn't do any of that.
Don't be a fucking idiot.
That's what he'd said.
Chuuya was such a strange guy.
Dazai said nothing else to him, ignoring the furrowed brow and gaze that demanded an explanation for his actions. He turned away from the teen, standing up and walking out of the room to where Yosano stood at the door. Chuuya did not follow him.
"Hey Akiko, can I go to the bathroom real quick?" He peered up at her innocently, holding his hands behind his back as if he were acting shy instead of hiding his own tiny mistake.
The doctor narrowed her eyes at him, taking a visual sweep around the room to make sure she could step out for a second.
"That's Dr. Yosano to you, Dazai." But she nodded her head, deeming it okay to leave for a bit.
He smiled convincingly back at her, going back to his room's bathroom with calm, unhurried steps.
Only when he was in the bathroom, staring at himself in the reflective piece of metal that they put on the wall instead of a mirror, did he finally drop his smile.
His reflection looked back at him with such emptiness in its eyes that for a second it felt like he wasn't even real. That thing peering back at him was not real. It was not human. Its eyes were soulless pits of nothingness.
He tried smiling again, almost alarmed that the creature in the fake mirror grinned back.
It looked unnatural. It felt unnatural. Everything about the boy across from him was just wrong in every sense of the word.
Maybe as a child he had been a human, but something happened to him along the way. Something that corrupted his very being, flipping him inside out and revealing that he really was no longer human. Maybe he never was one at all.
"What are you?"
He whispered to the reflection, absentmindedly peeling some of the bandages off of his upper arm to wrap around his hand. Not enough was taken away to reveal the still healing scar from his latest attempt, but enough to hide the new additions to the marks that covered his body.
Even with something unrecognizable posing as himself in the mirror, even with the possibility of the nurses finding out he'd hurt himself and making him stay longer, even with the guilt still eating away at him from his talk with Mori, even after everything;he felt no fear or worry or resentment.
He didn't feel anything.
It was a sensation that he was unfortunately intimately familiar with, having spent most of his childhood stuck in that void of nothingness.
He was just empty.
The rest of the day passed on with him carrying the same level of apathy.
They went to fake school. Then to lunch. Then to fake gym class. More free time. Dinner. Final group therapy session of the day. Finally, blissful sleep.
Except it wasn't a blissful sleep because he couldn't fucking fall asleep.
"Psst... Chuuuuyyaaa~" Dazai whispered, obnoxiously loud, "Are you still awake?"
"Shut the fuck up and go to sleep." The redhead whispered back to him fiercely from across the room.
Dazai ignored him and folded his arms behind his head, deciding to follow the cracks on the ceiling with his eyes. He allowed the silence to continue for a moment longer before once again interrupting it.
"Do you think we're actually living in a simulation and none of this is real?"
"Dazai, what the fuck?" Chuuya groaned, but maintained the whispered exchange.
The boy complained every time, yet he still indulged Dazai. One had to wonder if he was actually annoyed with him or not.
"Apparently it's a 50/50 chance this is all a simulation. Scientists actually tested it out."
"You're lying."
"No, I'm serious! Look it up when you get out of here."
Chuuya didn't respond again for a bit. After a few moments of quiet, Dazai was ready to say something else equally as insignificant to disturb his roommate's sleep, but Chuuya surprised him by speaking up first.
"Are you really gonna try to kill yourself again when you get out?"
The question stunned him into silence.
Had he not made it abundantly clear that he was actively suicidal? He'd thought Chuuya understood him a little better than to question it.
Was the only reason he was so casual with Dazai because he thought it was all a joke? The thought made his heart sink into his stomach.
Maybe he'd been too eager to proclaim Chuuya was someone who would treat him like an actual regular person. Maybe if he had it confirmed that Dazai's suicidal tendencies were in fact not a joke, he'd become like all the others and treat him like an active volcano at risk of erupting.
"Of course I will," He whispered back, voice so soft he wasn't sure if Chuuya could even hear him. He swallowed a lump in his throat and muttered a little louder, "I'd kill myself in here if I could."
But he couldn't.
One roommate he used to have was constantly trying to kill himself and it was a nightmare. A nurse had to be in the room with them the entire night while they slept, rather than the usual one that just peaks into everyone's rooms once an hour.
He'd once tried to kill himself in the shower and they had to drag him out butt-naked to restrain him. The other boy was given what patients lovingly referred to as 'booty juice' which was just a shot they had to give you in your butt with some kind of sedative in order to calm you down. It was all very humorous to talk about but horrible to live through. Dazai had gotten even less sleep than usual during that stay.
So lost in his own thoughts, Dazai blinked too slow and when he opened his eyes Chuuya was suddenly on top of him.
He hadn't even heard the other boy move. One moment he was on his own bed and the next he was straddling Dazai's waist with his hands around his throat. The grip wasn't tight enough that he couldn't breathe, but firm enough for him to recognize that Chuuya had the power to do much worse if he so pleased.
Dazai was too caught off guard to move, so he just stayed stupidly laying there and looked up into those glistening eyes that were glaring back down at him.
"If you try any of that shit in here, I'll fucking kill you." The boy sitting on top of him hissed out.
Dazai felt it would be useless to point out that it wasn't exactly a great threat considering it offered exactly what he wanted.
He said nothing of it, instead concentrating on the image of Chuuya above him. The small amount of light coming in through the window made little slits of white strike over his dark eyes, making him look like some kind of beast hidden in the darkness of the night.
The hands around his throat tightened a bit when he didn't respond so Dazai nodded his head ever so slightly, keeping his face as blank as it had been all day.
Satisfied, Chuuya got off of him slowly, almost daintily, as he avoided making any more noise or hurting Dazai. After threatening his life, Dazai thought he wouldn't have bothered being careful around him, but he was bizarrely cautious. A complete enigma.
The sound of footsteps started down the hallway and by the time the night nurse looked inside their room, they were both on their own beds pretending to sleep.
Dazai didn't bother keeping Chuuya up any longer after that, accepting that he would not be getting much sleep. Soon enough he heard gentle snores coming from the redhead's side of the room and then only one of them was pretending to be asleep.
He was so confused.
…
He woke up when the light from outside got bright enough to light up the entire room, which meant that he did fall asleep at some point during the night. It wasn't a lot of sleep though, as he could distinctly recall holding the stiff and scratchy pillow over his head to drown out his roommates damn snoring.
His mind was still a whirlwind over what Chuuya had pulled last night. It was far from the first time that someone had threatened Dazai's life, but it was the first time that it was his suicidal thoughts that drove the other person to break. Usually it was just because he was annoying or being a dick. Never before had someone been so angry with him for wanting to kill himself.
The nerve of that short ginger kid!
Knowing nothing about Dazai or his life at all, but having the gall to demand he refrain from committing his favorite activity.
A bandaged hand came up to his also bandaged throat to mimic the hold that Chuuya had on him the night before.
It also wasn't the first time that another patient had put their hands on him, either in a violent way or for other reasons. Still, for how rough the gesture was, Chuuya's hands had been… warm. They had been pressed over his neck, sure, but they'd fit so nicely around his throat. The area still tingled with phantom sensations, even if the bandages on his neck had created a thin barrier between their skin.
Chuuya's snoring brought Dazai back to the present and he rolled his eyes. It was like the sleeping boy could sense Dazai thinking about him and wanted to sour his peculiar thoughts.
Waking up before they were supposed to though, he wasn't allowed out of the room yet. Instead of breaking that rule just for the hell of it, Dazai shook Chuuya from his mind and took the time to look through the bag Mori had brought for him, as he had neglected to do last night.
Inside were some slides, which he would not be wearing because he preferred just socks, his usual long sleeved shirts and jeans, underwear, pajama bottoms, and a couple hoodies. He felt reluctantly grateful to Mori for packing the hoodies because it got ridiculously cold in this building.
Alongside his clothes, Mori also packed his deck of cards and two books: Shawshank Redemption and The Grudge. Both of which he had already read before, but could appreciate Mori's dry sense of humor in packing. Both were super cheerful for someone like him to be reading. It made him roll his eyes but with nothing else to do, he decided to reread them both anyway, starting with the former.
About a quarter of the way through the book, morning vitals were called and Dazai left for breakfast without waking his dead-to-the-world roommate. After getting his vitals taken (he was in perfect health, unfortunately), he grabbed a bowl of dry cheerios and sat next to Ranpo, who was currently carefully eating an off-brand sugared cereal.
"Good morning," Dazai sang as he sat down, smirking in amusement when he saw Chuuya finally stumble into the room, hair sticking up on one side and eyes half lidded with sleep.
"Mornin' 'zai." Ranpo responded with a mouthful of cereal. He picked out some pieces of his cereal and placed them onto the table, counting them all aloud every time he added a piece.
"Did you happen to see Nurse Oda at all last night? I don't recall passing by him." Dazai mused, only just realizing that he didn't really remember anythingfrom the day before, between Mori's visit and Chuuya's bed time assault.
"No, I think he's working the afternoon shift today though. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I overheard Sakaguchi tell one of the doctors, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, that he was going to be taking a double shift." Ranpo didn't pause for a second, carrying on his conversation and his compulsive activity flawlessly.
Dazai nodded his head, digesting the information. Hopefully his favorite nurse would be back later tonight. Dazai felt like complaining to someone about his life. Someone other than the doctors he was supposed to talk to anyway.
"Do you know if Yosano is the head doctor again today?" He asked another question just to keep the conversation going as he absentmindedly ate his cereal. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chuuya sit down at a different table.
"She is the head doctor every day," Most of Ranpo's cereal was now on the table in organized rows, but he let out a grunt of annoyance as he looked at the little lines. Covering his eyes with his hands he asked Dazai, "Can you put the cereal back in my bowl?"
Dazai gave him a noncommittal hum but did as asked, because he wasn't a complete asshole, and once the cereal was back he let Ranpo know to open his eyes again. The other teen didn't thank him, but he did give him a nod of approval, which Dazai took as even better than a thank you.
Before long, breakfast was over and they were back to sitting in a group circle. Dazai had put on his own clothes today, finally out of the hospital provided sweatpants and t-shirt and into jeans with a long sleeved flannel that blessedly covered more of his arms. He'd have to ask for fresh bandages later on in the day when he had the time. The ones currently on his arms were starting to get gross.
It started the same as every day, except the 'fun' question was different. Instead of favorite color, they were asked which superpower they would want to have.
They had a pretty wide range of powers, Dazai was actually impressed that everyone thought of such unique ones. Chuuya wanted to manipulate gravity, and Atsushi wanted to turn into a weretiger, whatever the hell that is. Of course since he liked to cause problems, Dazai's dream superpower would be the power to nullify other people's powers. Even Yosano scoffed at that one.
From there they had the usual morning session, talking about mental health or whatever, Dazai really didn't pay as much attention now that he'd established himself as the problematic troubled one.
Yosano was once again the lead therapist as Ranpo had said, although Fukuzawa was not present in the circle this time, so it was just the good doctor. Dazai couldn't remember how they got onto this topic, but Atsushi was currently talking about a story from his childhood in an orphanage.
"The headmaster never liked me… he would always say th-that I didn't deserve to live. That I was weak and- and useless," Atsushi clenched his fists tightly where they sat in his lap, looking down and refusing to meet anyone's eyes, "and I know now that was abuse but… he was right. I don't deserve to be alive. B-but I want to! I want to earn the permission to live."
"Your headmaster was very wrong to say that to you, Atsushi," Yosano's own hands were folded atop her crossed legs as she gave the white haired boy a sympathetic frown, "He was not right at all. Everyone inherently deserves to live. You do not have to fight to prove your place in this world."
While Dazai didn't really see the purpose in having permission to live, he would admit that he'd rather not have his life in someone else's hands.
Death was of course his ultimate goal, but the idea of someone else being in control of it made him feel a bit ill. One of the beauties of suicide was that it would be completely in his control. Probably the onlything in his life that would be entirely his in every sense of the word.
To absolutely everyone's surprise, Akutagawa spoke up next, arms crossed and scowling at Atsushi, who was now trembling slightly where he sat.
"That's stupid," Akutagawa sneered, "You don't need anyone's permission to be alive. And if you think you do, maybe you don't deserve to live."
"Ryuunosuke," Yosano snapped with a fierce shout, a warning in her lowered voice, "We do not speak like that in here."
This is why Dazai liked Akutagawa enough to remember him. He was an overly blunt, black and white thinker, who did not hide his thoughts even if they were completely socially unacceptable and rude.
If it were anyone else, Dazai would've let the comment slide with only a snort and perhaps something to laugh about later. However, this new kid Atsushi was not just anyone. There was something about him, something he couldn't quite place, that made him feel the need to speak up in the kid's defense.
It just didn't sit right with him that anyone else had any say on whether someone should live or die.
"Now, now, Akutagawa," Dazai waved his hand limply, giving a lazy smile to Atsushi, who had retreated into himself after the emo teen made his statement, "Not everyone can understand the way your thought process works. Explain yourself, and please try not to be so rude to poor Atsushi-kun again."
Akutagawa had the nerve to look offended by Dazai's comment, tensing his arms where they crossed over his chest and bristling like an angry cat. He coughed into his fist before reassessing what he'd said. Hopefully this time with less bite.
"What I meant was; you shouldn't base your own worth on what other people think about you," He amended, glaring at Atsushi like it was his fault that everyone got on his back, "This world is survival of the fittest, and if you don't have the self worth to drive you to live, then you won't survive."
Yosano hummed as she leaned back in her chair, still with a stern look on her face but not as deadly as it was before. Atsushi also peaked up from his hunched over position, looking hesitantly up at Akutagawa's face and nearly jumping out of his skin when he noticed the scowl still ever-present on it.
The energy in the room was not as tense as these three had made it out to be though, with most of the other patients only paying attention out of respect for their peers or because they liked the juicy gossip. Those staring into space or not paying attention didn't even bother to act like they cared what anyone was talking about.
"The world used to be survival of the fittest, but it's not anymore," Ranpo chimed in, matter-of-fact, "Humanity has stopped evolving, so you don't need to be strong to survive. It's why we're all here, still alive, even though we technically shouldn't be, as we have what modern society would define as weaker minds. Well, your minds anyway. Mine is definitely superior."
Akutagawa gave him the blankest stare possible, showing just how unimpressed he was with that exclamation, but Yosano gave the boy an indulgent smile, looking far too fond for a doctor. She seemed to be the only one in the room who found his narcissism endearing. Besides Poe, who for some reason was hanging on to every word the other teen said.
"Still," Atsushi meekly spoke up after a brief moment of silence, "It would be nice for my life to mean something to someone."
"I think we can all agree with that sentiment. It feels good to get validation from others," Yosano agreed, "but it still is important to remember that it's your own self validation that matters the most."
"Exactly! It doesn't matter what others think of you. For example," Dazai interjected happily, "If I told Chuuya to go die a horrible death, he would say-"
"Fuck you bastard," Chuuya growled out, interrupting just as intended.
"But, if I say this;" Dazai turned his playful tone into one of grave seriousness, giving Chuuya a tender look that alone had the redhead ruffled, "Chuuya-kun, I've never met anyone else so full of life. Please do me the honor of staying alive by my side," He dropped the act and smugly gestured back to the other boy, who was now the reddest he could possibly get, eyes widened in embarrassment, "He would say-"
"Sh-shut up…" He muttered out, crossing his arms and furiously avoiding Dazai's eyes.
Dazai frowned, shaking his head in mock disappointment, even as his heart did a little skip of joy at his reaction.
"No, no, no. Chibi-kun is supposed to say 'oh thank you Dazai-senpai!'" He brought his voice to an obnoxiously higher octave to jokingly mimic Chuuya's voice, "And then I would respond with 'I don't care!' because his opinion of me doesn't matter, like Yosano said."
If Chuuya got any more flustered, steam would start coming out of his ears. He sunk into his chair, putting a hand over his head to hide his face, although he lifted his eyes just enough to send an enraged glare Dazai's way.
Dazai, meanwhile, was feeling very accomplished for this therapy session, giving the other boy an evil smirk to taunt him further. His reactions to everything were always so cute.
(Cute?)
"Alright, alright- enough,"Yosano sounded similarly unimpressed with his stunt, giving Dazai another one of her infamous disappointed looks, "That's enough of that. Atsushi, do you have any more you want to talk about?"
The white haired boy startled at his name being called and his leg started bouncing up and down nervously. However, he was fairly calm when he responded, "N-no. I think that's it."
From there the conversation turned again, into another direction that Dazai didn't care enough to tune into. He was much more occupied with trying to catch Chuuya's eye, which the other boy was very purposefully avoiding.
On one hand, he was glad that his teasing had worked enough to get under Chuuya's skin, but on the other hand, he'd wanted the attention it was supposed to attract and that Chuuya was refusing to give. Stingy bastard.
The teasing comments he'd let slip may have shown a bit more of his feelings than what he'd intended, though.
It was true that Chuuya was so ridiculously alive that it blew Dazai away, but he didn't need to say it out loud.
Whatever came over him and possessed him to admit that, even as a joke meant to get a rise out of Chuuya, he'll never know.
Before long it was free time once again and Dazai peeked out into the hallway to see if Oda was working yet. It was still early, so of course Ango was the only one there, typing away on his computer.
Dazai let out a groan, deciding he would instead take today to mess with Chuuya more.
Sauntering over to the table Chuuya was sitting at, he slid into the chair across from him and rested his head upon his folded hands, leaning his elbows onto the table.
The other teen pretended not to notice his presence, refusing to meet his gaze even though he clearly tensed up with his arrival. Nobody else was at the table, but Chuuya was writing something in a notebook of his own, dutifully ignoring Dazai's watchful eyes.
"What'cha writing?" Dazai sing-songed, peering forward to see if he could read any of what Chuuya wrote.
The other teen quickly covered his work with his arms, finally tilting his head up to glare at the nuisance in front of him.
"Just some nunya," Chuuya grinned boyishly. Dazai rolled his eyes.
Did he really think he was that stupid?
Before he could retort with something else, Poe sat down too close next to him, causing Dazai to curl his lip in disgust and slide further to the right. He'd rather not be touched so casually or be so close to someone he had no interest in knowing. Similarly, Ranpo slid next to Chuuya's side across the table, smirking at Chuuya's remark but also not rising to the bait.
Poe, apparently, was not as wise when it came to petty word traps.
"Oh interesting! What's nunya? Is that a writing style?" The gentle but naive fool looked eager to talk to another writer.
Chuuya didn't look as pleased with himself as he probably would've been if Dazai had been the one to ask, but he pulled out the sass nonetheless, "Nunya fucking business."
Poor Poe flinched, sinking into his seat, while Ranpo and Dazai snickered like a pair of evil goblins. It was exactly the kind of childish prank that they needed to lift the mood around here. Well, to lift everyone except Poe's mood anyway.
The notebook beneath Chuuya's arms was subtly closed as conversation turned a different direction, but Dazai made note of it. Was it really something that personal, if he had such an intense desire to hide it?
He would have to look into it later. Perhaps while his roommate is asleep.
Regardless, the mood at the table had gone significantly up as they switched into casual conversation, with Dazai finally deciding to actually join in.
He brought out his deck of cards from seemingly nowhere and set about giving everyone their sets without asking if they wanted to play. A good old fashioned game of BS ought to loosen everyone up even further.
"So, does everyone know how to play?" Dazai grinned mischievously as he shuffled the cards with expert precision, his fingers deftly arching the deck in a perfect bridge.
"You haven't told us what we're playing. Or that we're playing something." Chuuya dully reminded him, not at all impressed by his showing off his card skills. Pouting a bit, Dazai continued on to explain the game.
"It's called Bullshit. The aim of the game is to get rid of all your cards. Now 'how do you do that?' you may ask," Dazai started dividing up the cards with a smirk, "We'll start with whoever ends up getting the ace of spades, put it in the middle face down," Ranpo ends up putting the ace in the middle of the table, "and we'll go around the circle in number order. So Chuuya, now you put down all the twos you have. If you don't have any, put down other cards and lie."
"That's why you wanted to play this game; so you can lie," Chuuya grumbled, "Two twos."
"Bullshit!" Dazai sang, "That's what you say when you think someones lying. If you're right and they are, they have to pick up the whole deck, but if you're wrong and they were telling the truth, youhave to pick up the whole deck."
Chuuya glared at him and picked up the pile, mumbling something about con artists and filthy liars. Dazai simply smirked at him and took his turn, "One three."
"Bullshit," Chuuya hissed, already buzzing with competitive energy.
"Wrong! Pick up the card," Dazai chirped again.
And so the game began.
Dazai counted cards, so he knew exactly when to call bullshit on someone who was lying, and if Ranpo wasn't also counting cards, he probably would've been able to get away with lying a lot more too. It quickly became an overly competitive game.
There was also the fact that Chuuya was nearly vibrating with anger at being called out so often. He ended up with so many cards that he just called bullshit every single time Dazai put anything down, no longer caring about winning himself but just wanting to make sure that Dazai didn't win.
In the end, Chuuya's valiant efforts were fruitless. Dazai finally managed to find something to distract Ranpo with so that he could get away with winning and the game ended.
Overall, not his worst game of cards, but nobody was willing to indulge in his games any more after that.
Which was fine, because by the time he wanted to play a round of something else, they were being shuffled into a separate room for their fake school time. That crawled by even slower, with Dazai finishing about ten different sudoku puzzles before getting bored and making Chuuya mess up on his.
It was only after lunch when they got back that Dazai finally found something interesting to do, when he saw the beautiful face of Oda waiting at the receptionist desk.
"Odasaku!" Dazai moaned, leaning heavily onto the wall in front of the front desk as the other patients moved back into the activity room for more free time, "Where have you been? I was so booored."
"Dazai," His favorite nurse gave him that signature polite smile, his usual muted personality a comforting rock to hold onto, "One of my kids had their recital yesterday. Wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Not even for me, your favorite kid?" Dazai batted his eyelashes, eyes widened and a pout on his lips.
"You're not my kid," Oda sighed heavily, speaking in a way that made it clear he's had to repeat this fact many times before, "and I'm sure you did just fine without me."
Sakunosuke Oda was a very special nurse.
His relationship with Dazai may be seen as a bit unprofessional, but it was no fault of his own. The nurse had been at this facility every other time he'd come here, and he was always a solid object for Dazai to hold onto when everything else went to shit. Throughout all the storms that burst through the hospital doors, Oda remained steadfast. He was also a very calm individual, always composed even while working in a stressful environment such as this.
Most importantly to Dazai, he was genuine.
He had no boundaries, really just stating things as they were, but not in a way that was clinical and uncaring like when other doctors tried the blunt honesty approach.
If something sucked, he would say 'that sucks,' with no flowery language or ulterior motives beyond stating the obvious. He never sugar coated anything or tried to spare anyone's feelings, always just being as sincere as he possibly could, especially about emotions.
In addition to that, he seemed to treat the patients as real people. The other nurses and doctors maintained a professional distance between themselves and the patients, viewing them as nothing more than troubled kids, whereas Oda actually had respect for the kids that ended up in this facility, and treated them as equals almost, while still making it clear what their positions were.
The other doctors and patients may not have approved of his methods, but Dazai was compelled by them. He was a refreshing personality compared to the other adults in Dazai's life and there was some truth to the jokes he made about wishing Oda was his actual father. Oda never seemed to think they were as funny as Dazai himself did though.
"How are you settling in, Dazai?"
"Fine, as usual," The teen waved a hand flippantly, as if he hadn't been waiting to talk to Oda all morning, "My roommate is a growling little chihuahua, but other than that it's whatever. Quite a few interesting people here this time."
"I hope you haven't been causing anyone any trouble," Oda gave him a pointed look which he willfully ignored.
"Me? Trouble? I'm just making friends, like you told me to."
Him and many others.
It's not that it was hard for him to make friends. It was just that other people usually couldn't stand his presence and would much rather observe him from a distance. Technically he didn't really have anyfriends, but who cared about technicalities?
If, in his mind, he decided that someone was his friend, then they were. Nothing more to it.
Akutagawa was his friend, even though neither of them had ever said such a thing or really even made contact outside of the facility. Oda was his friend, even though the man insisted that he was not and that he was just another one of the nurses that Dazai should not become too attached to.
Two. That's plenty of friends!
"Have you made friends with your roommate?" The nurse then asked, raising his eyebrows in such a way that said he had no expectations for Dazai's answer.
"Well," Dazai began with a huff, "He's a bit of a pain. I'd rather not be associated with such an annoying dog."
"Who are you calling a dog?!"
The sudden voice yelling from behind him did make Dazai jump a bit.
He was not used to other people coming into the hallway to hang around the staff. Usually the other patients would rather hang out with other people their age in the activity room. Technically, they weren't allowed to hang around in the hallway at all,but the staff were more lenient with Dazai because if they didn't bend the rules a little, he would completely break them. If not that, they were probably too understaffed to enforce them.
"Ah, coming when called. Just like a dog." Dazai remarked, pretending that he was not just shocked by the other teen's presence as he came up to stand by Oda's desk as well.
"I came to get you back into the activity room, you idiot. Dr. Yosano said you're not supposed to be out here." Chuuya crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow at Dazai. It seemed he was not in the mood to give in to his taunts.
"But Nurse Oda always lets me stay out here, right Odasaku?"
"I can't control you Dazai," Oda began, drawing a premature victorious grin onto Dazai's face, only to immediately wipe it away with; "but it's true you should be in the activity room."
"Betrayal!" Dazai bemoaned, only a little upset that his conversation with Oda was cut short.
If it wasn't Chuuya who had come to get him, he probably would've ignored them. Yosano must've noticed how strangely entranced he was by the boy, and known he would follow. Curse her! She's far too scheming to be a child's psychologist.
"Quit whining and come on." Chuuya rolled his eyes, grabbing onto Dazai's upper arm to drag him back into the other room.
He sent one last pleading look to Oda, but the traitor just shrugged his shoulders mirthfully.
The grip around his bicep was tight though, and Dazai knew better than to test Chuuya's strength, so he let himself be dragged away.
The other boy's skin was radiating heat, so much so that he could feel it even through the layers of clothing and bandages separating his hand from Dazai's arm. It was extremely distracting to someone who usually ran ice cold, unused to the warmth he was emitting. It should have felt uncomfortably hot, but something about Chuuya made it impossible to pull away from his touch. The feeling was too addicting to dismiss so readily.
He'd really rather not think too hard about why it was so dizzying though, so he conveniently swerved his brain away from that line of thinking and instead focused on one of his new favorite and definitely healthy activities: annoying Chuuya.