In the vast space of Nothingness, given form, 9 humanoid figures emitting the only Light in this vast emptiness moved through The Nothingness, seemingly trying to find something, anything. They moved together as a group. The Light they emitted came in waves, sometimes so bright that it filled up The Nothingness with its splendor and beauty. Other times, the Light was so faint that Nothingness seemed ready to swallow up these figures and grind them into Nothing. This cycle of Light and Nothingness continued as the figures moved through Nothing in search of something. The Light continued to fight for survival, as consciousness wishes to exist; it cannot allow itself to not be, to not feel, to not remember, to not witness. And The Nothingness continued to try to consume these figures to fix itself back to normalcy. How could Nothing produce something? How could Nothing have a destination? How could Nothing hold Light and consciousness? How could Nothing wish for anything? How could Nothing comprehend Something? Light and Nothingness continued their struggle as they consumed one another, Learning from the other, combining and dissolving. This fight seemed endless as light was born from Nothing, but also fizzled out into Nothingness. For the first time in eons of untold time, Nothingness began to want something. It Awoke and it started to Learn.
We've been moving for [35 days, 16 hours, 39 minutes, and 10 seconds]
Or around that amount, I've been trying to keep an internal clock to give myself something to do. To hold on to my sanity for as long as I can.
The name of the place we were in was the Grey Void. It's an apt name, considering the literal empty space stretching out infinitely in every direction in sight. The dull, grainy grey around us stretched as far as the eye could see. There was no concept of up or down. Nothing to orient yourself, but we had to keep moving. The monotonous colors had begun to play tricks with my sight. Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm heading in the same direction or just going in circles, but I've used the light we naturally emit to keep myself grounded.
Hmm… where was I going with this?
I don't remember… It must not be that important.
[167 days, 17 hours, 23 minutes, and 56? seconds]
There have been moments when I realize I'm not counting. I'm just moving with no thoughts, just the eternal quiet, and I-I awake freaking out, understanding that this isn't helping my psyche if I lose myself I must stay grounded. If I don't cling to every second, every minute, every hour. I will start to realize how scared I am, how I don't want to be here, and I'll permanently damage what's left of my mind.
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 0 seconds]
It's my birthday today. What a shitty birthday. Everything gray, so gray, nothing changes, nothing to say, nothing to pay. Everything is so dull, so dull, nothing changes, nothing. Nothing is the same, nothing is all that's left, nothing is all that's left.
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 0 seconds]
It's my birthday! It's not every day one turns 95, I won't get into- what wasnt I-
right-
wait-
Yes, yes, I won't get into it.
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 0 seconds]
It's my birthday............... There's nothing left for me. No food, no hunger. No joy, no laughter. No hate, no love. No water, no thirst. No age, no time.
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 0 seconds]
It's my birthday. And I'm stuck in this Grey shit. why am I here?….. why? why? …..why? why? why?...…
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 0 seconds]
It's my birthday. I think,
'Why are you here?"
"I- don't know…. but this feels familiar.'
'John,'
"FUCK!"
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 0 seconds]
It's my birthday… I think. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me…Birthday… to me… to me… me…me…me…me…me…Happy Birthday, John. John? John, you're immortal. What a joke that is. HAHAHAHAhAHA
[217 days, 1 hour, 1 minute, and 1 second]
It's my birthday…I think. Is it? Happy Birthday. Happy birthday. Happy Birthday. Birthday. What is birth? Day of 'happy. This day must be a happy day, so I must be happy. I am Happy. I am a happy boy, Mama. Why did I have to live while you die-
'What?' I focus on my timer and process the time. I can't believe it. Was that all just a second? Did I miscount, or has my perception of time been manipulated to a terrifying degree?
[338 days, 3 hours, 1 minute, and 45 seconds]
I've started reliving my memories to keep myself sane. I also don't want to forget anything. My internal clock has finally set in. If before, I had to consciously count, now it automatically goes off in my mind, and I can freely think. Hard to explain- I just got deja vu. I don't get- NO! NO! NO! Don't remember. DON'T. DON'T. DON'T. DON'T. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!............… .......
[342 days, 4 hours, 7 minutes, and 1 second]
......
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Ah, where was I? Oh yes, my mind is much freer now to think… and ponder about everything I amounted to in my life. But I have to be cautious, I have been thinking constantly all this time, certain words have become triggers to me and will lead me into a psychotic breakdown.
I just realized that this timer is useless; time is meaningless. It bends and twists to nothingness. I am nothing to Nothingness-
NO! I am something, I am someone. I need the timer. It isn't useless. I am something, I am someone. I need the timer. It isn't useless. I am something, I am someone. I need the timer. It isn't useless…
[999 days, 3 hours, 7 minutes, and 1 second]
There has been a change. It seems I've become resistant to the effects that this void has on me. And my connection to those around me has deepened; it seems that by constantly using them as the only thing to be real every time I melt down, that connection has deepened to the point where it has become tangible. Interestingly, I can use it to communicate with them like an open call.
"Hello," I call out to them, still not used to the connection, but the strangest thing was saying the 'hello.'
"Hi," I hear a haughty female voice echo back to me.
"I'm tired of this shit," I hear a male voice growl out. Each word resounded in my head; it was almost painful.
No other responses came. I waited a beat and continued, "Are you all okay? I can't seem to remember your names. Can you remind me of them?"
"I was hoping you'd tell me," The male voice sounded with a chuckle.
"Yeah, I don't know mine either, let alone all of yours," The female voice agreed.
"Fuck!" I just realized I don't remember my name at all. This is bad. How much is this void affecting me- us? "Are you guys okay?" I repeated.
"I don't know. I have been mostly coasting through this whole thing. I find shutting off my brain works best." His words felt like gravel entering my ears.
"Yeah, I don't know how long we've been moving through this place. Things are bleak when a conversation with you 2 is the most interesting thing that has happened to me in ages."
"999 days, 3 hours, 8 minutes, and 23 seconds, " I answered.
"What?" The female voice questions.
"That's how long we've been in this hell." I elaborate, "I've kept time as best as I could, but there are gaps in my memory that I couldn't avoid."
"You've been conscious this whole time?" The male voice growls out in shock. For the first time, he sounds serious about this situation.
"I've tried to stay conscious as well, but counting every second and being angry that your counting isn't accurate enough is proper insane." The female voice interjects.
"It wasn't as difficult as it sounds. I just had to train myself to count without consciously doing it."
"Dude, Are you a FUCKING clock?" The gravel returns.
"HAHAHAHA"
"HAHAHAAH" Had they purposefully transmitted their laughs into my mind?
"I've almost forgotten what laughter was," She says with a smile. "Laughter is the best medicine. "
"You do realize that time might not work the same here anyway?" His words slammed into my mind.
"It's not about the time," I defend as a chill runs down my spine, "it's about staying conscious. It might seem insane, but I worry about the alternative. No matter what, we'll be in a state of consciousness as we move, shutting off our brains might seem like a viable option, but the effect it can have on us is worrying."
"Do you think that's why the others won't speak?" Her voice sounds heavenly compared to the alternative.
"…"
"…"
"…"
We all go silent.
"I've barely been conscious this whole time, and I'm perfectly fine," He growls out finally, breaking the silence. 'Yes, he does sound normal.'
"It wouldn't be as worrisome if it weren't for the void we are in. I don't know how it's affecting us, but I don't feel it's any good." I say with worry dripping from my voice, trying to convince him.
"You're overthinking things," He says offhandedly.
"I'm going to resurrect John, kill him, then resurrect him again so he can live in torment. for the rest of his miserable life," She says vindictively, seemingly having her mind elsewhere.
"Understanding does not equate to forgiveness," I agree with her.
"Not the time for flowery words but for flogging and maiming," She vents.
"Who's John?" He asks, horrified by his inability to follow the conversation anymore. If we could turn to him, we would. Especially me, as his voice sent a chill down my spine.
"Fuck!" 'This is worse than I thought. If he isn't even aware of why he's here or even his past self, wouldn't he eventually start to believe this is his reality? That he has always been here?'
'Will we eventually get assimilated by this place?' This line of thought sent me into a panic. "All of you will do your best from now on to stay conscious. I'll transmit my clock to all of you. If anything, hold onto that." Hopefully, the others are still there and can process what I'm saying..
"That's plenty annoying," She complains as my timer continuously transmits through the connection. "You did this for over 2 years?"
"Who's John?" He repeats, his voice a mix of squeals and growls.
Before I can answer either of them, a vast expanse of light fills my vision. One moment, it was all gray and grainy, and the next, light was right ahead of us, drawing us in. Pulling us into its safety. All I can feel is joy, as literal hope materialized in front of my eyes. I try to speed towards it, but I continue to float at the same speed that brought me here.
With only the same thing to move forward to for years, I never noticed the speed at which we moved, and now all I can do is complain and curse as we slowly approach a dome emitting vast amounts of light on the horizon.
I feel everyone stir through the connection. All 9 of us. I realize that we had just passed through the edge of the Grey Void and entered space. I see stars shining in its expanse, planets orbiting within their systems, comets streaking through the universe, nebulae in all their glory and colors, and I could only smile. It was like watching the universe through the clearest telescope ever. I could see colors indescribable to human comprehension. Suns expanding and collapsing. I could see and feel the flow of time. The expansion of space. Everything was laid bare in front of my eyes, and by god, it was beautiful. It's like the universe is healing me from what I've gone through. As I reveled in the experience of a lifetime, we had approached the dome.
[999 days, 9 hours, 8 minutes, and 59 seconds]
We entered it.
I could feel our souls stir even further as we made our way into it.
The connection strained as we accelerated and began to separate without any warning. I panicked, feeling uncomfortable immediately, years with them as the only constants in that monotonous era had made me dependent on their presence. "I will find all of you, even if it takes a millennium, don't for a second think I've given up! I-" We had completely separated, and the message was cut off. I felt cold immediately. I despised the feeling. I hadn't realized that the connection had always made me feel a sense of warmth until it was sharply disconnected. All I could do was squirm and shiver as I sped through the vast lands on the planet, and think about the lack of warmth I already began to miss.