I spent the entire week unable to erase his words from my mind.
Every time I thought about what he said, I felt a strange pull, an attraction and curiosity to the concept of sub and Dom in a relationship.
I didn't fully understand it, but it kept nagging at me, buzzing in my mind like an itch I couldn't scratch and i needed to scratch it!
Out of curiosity, I researched more about submission and its meaning, and what it entailed.
What appeared on my screen made my body tremble, a strange mix of fear and lust filling me.
Is this normal?
Was I mentally ill? Or was Alexander the one who was out of sorts?
His words had made me reconsider everything I thought I knew about myself.
Some of his comments made me question the relationship we will have, entirely.
It made me wonder if this was what I even wanted, if I was comfortable with him viewing me as an object to be shaped to his liking.
But even so, his words about such stuff only heightened my sexual tension, and these overwhelming feelings seemed to grow stronger by the day.
The vibrator, which had once been my refuge for relieving my pent-up desire, was no longer enough.
I was drowning in desires I couldn't control, and I didn't know what to do with them.
Then came the news.
Alexander was involved in a scandal with a rookie artist.
I didn't know how to react.
Should I scream? Should I grieve? Or should I just accept it?
Maybe I was foolish to think it would be any different.
After all, I was never his first choice as i forced myself to belive.
But as I sat there, his message from that morning of dinner nagged in my mind.
He had asked me to come over to his house.
Part of me wanted to go.
Part of me wanted to know if he was still interested, or if he had abandoned me like he had everything else in his life.
Was he only doing this to other women to satisfy his lustful desires?
Is that why he invited me?
Was it because I didn't come as he went and did it?
The thought made me sick, yet there was this undeniable pull to go over to him, to see what he really wanted from me.
What if this was just a game to him, just another number to have under him?
What if he just wants to do whatever he wants with me and then move on, ditching me like I'm used cheap thing when he's done?
But another thought occurred to me, one that made my heart race.
If I went to him to confront his of that rumour and something happened, if he discovered I was still a virgin, a twenty-seven-year-old virgin, no less...wouldn't he throw me out immediately?
Wouldn't he ridicule me and consider me pathetic for never having tried anything before?
For beginning inexperienced.
Fear gripped me, and I couldn't ignore it.
I couldn't shake the thought of him discovering the truth and looking at me with the same disappointment I'd felt when he told me what kind of unattractive woman i was to him.
I didn't know if I was prepared for anything that might happen if I went to him.
Would he take pity on me? Or would he push me further into this strange game he was playing of push and pull, one whose rules I didn't even know?
We were about to get engaged in a few days, but what next?
What would happen next?
Any engagement or marriage could fail and fall apart.
What if I wasn't what he wanted?
What if I was deceiving myself, trying to become someone else just to please him and meet his expectations?
Was this just a wild idea, or was I trying to ignore the fact that I didn't even know what I was doing?
I didn't know how to make sense of all this.
But the biggest fear, the one that kept haunting me, was the thought of him discovering what had embarrassed and shamed me so much.
What would he think of me if he found out?
Would he laugh? Would he be disappointed?
Would he see me as childish, as someone who didn't belong in his world?
I couldn't bear the thought of his pity or contempt, yet the fear kept suffocating me.
I wasn't ready for any of this, and I wasn't ready for it, so I didn't go.
I had to end it, didn't I?
Just... get it over with.
Maybe a fling with a stranger, just to break this vicious cycle.
Just to get over that hurdle and get over it all.
I could let go of all this embarrassment and forget the fear.
It would just be one night, and then I'd be free of all this anxiety, right?
But what then?
What would happen? I'd be right back at square one, wouldn't I?
The idea of improving myself, of becoming someone other than who I was and someone he wanted, kept pressuring me.
Why was he enjoying his life while I sat here, frantically waiting for his next move and trying to figure out what he wanted from me?
He ordered me to do something to deserve him.
But did he deserve me?
Did he deserve any of this?
I shook my head, trying to comprehend the madness swirling through my head.
No, what was I saying?
What was I even thinking? It wasn't me.
I must have lost my mind to entertain these thoughts, to question everything I believed about myself, about love, and what it means to develop yourself for the one you love.
I stared at my computer screen, my fingers hovering over the keyboard.
I didn't know where to begin, I didn't know how to express what was building up inside me.
But I had to put it somewhere.
Somewhere anonymous and somewhere safe.
So, I went to a popular website, a place where people could tell their stories and ask for advice without judgment and without names.
I wrote about what was happening, all while being careful to omit any details that might reveal me.
I asked at the end of the post:
What should I do?
Then I closed my computer and felt a strange lightness, as if I had just released something I'd been holding onto for a long time.
Hours later, after a tiring workday, I found myself sitting down and opening my laptop again.
I didn't know what to expect, but what I didn't expect was the deluge of comments that awaited me.
I clicked on the link, my heart pounding as I began reading...
Comment 1:
"Girl, this is hard... but honestly, you have to stop letting him control you! Don't let him manipulate you just to please himself! If he can't accept you for who you are, that's his fault, not yours! You deserve someone who loves you for who you are."
Comment 2:
"What's so worrying about you anyway? You're beautiful, but this guy seems like a jerk! Honestly, he's just playing with your emotions, and if you want to feel liberated, stop giving him power and get out of his toxic relationship! Be free, get to know yourself, and don't believe his bullshit."
Comment 3:
"I've been through this... felt like you needed to prove yourself, that you weren't enough as you were, but you were enough. If he can't see that, you're better off without him. Don't let a man who doesn't respect you define your worth because you'll find someone better."
Comment 4:
"I understand how difficult it is to resist attraction, especially when he knows how to turn it on, but you should never feel like you have to change your personality to suit someone else! Relationships are supposed to bring out the best in you, not make you feel like a puppet! I'd say: stick to your guns, and if he wants to marry you, let him win you over. Don't settle for someone who isn't worth fighting for."
Comment 5:
"First of all, don't let the idea that you have to be "perfect" for him control you! If you're having trouble kissing or anything else, it's okay to take your time. You don't have to interfere in anything just because he's pressuring you and you feel pressured! You're not a project to be fixed; you're someone worth loving! If he can't love you that way, he's not worth your time."
Comment 6:
"Honestly, I think you should stop everything with him! If he's talking to you like he owns you or expects you to be his 'type,' then you're already facing a major warning sign! Red flag btch! You deserve love and appreciation for who you are, and he's treating you like a challenge. Don't be fooled. You have your own value, so don't let him take that away from you."
The comments were endless and varied, some supportive, some honest, but they all made me feel more at ease.
Maybe I hadn't imagined all these warning signs.
But still, there was something about Alexander, something that always worried me and made me feel uncomfortable around him.
As I scrolled through the endless stream of comments, one comment in particular caught my attention.
It was different from the rest.
Comment 7:
"If you're in desperate need of advice that might help you sort through all of this, visit the address below. They have a place that will provide you with the clarification you need. Trust me, you'll understand once you see what they're doing, but only if you're ready."
So, there's an adress, but it's enough to pique my interest.
I hesitated, staring at it for a long moment.
My finger swept across the screen as I considered whether to ignore it.
But I couldn't stop myself.
What did I have to lose?
I clicked on the address, which led me to a website that confirmed the address belonged to a nightclub.
A nightclub? What does a nightclub have to do with all this?
My eyebrows furrowed, my mind blown.
Still, my curiosity got the better of me.
Without much thought, I typed the nightclub's name into a search engine to see what would come up.
What I found next shocked me.
The first thing that popped up was the club's official website, followed by a series of links.
The website boasted about its services, claiming to offer "exclusive experiences" to its customers, but the more I read, the more nauseated I felt.
Drugs.
Sex parties.
The list of things they offered exceeded everything I had imagined.
Things that seemed shameful, dangerous, and so far removed from my experience, I couldn't help but feel a mixture of disgust and... curiosity.
It was difficult to comprehend what I was seeing.
What was this place?
Why would anyone suggest I go there for advice? What would I gain from entering a nightclub like this?
As I continued browsing the website, something caught my eye.
The words "sex therapy" and "sex educator" appeared as if they flashed before my eyes.
I stared at them, my mind racing with questions.
What did it mean?
Is this a place where people go for guidance in their relationships and intimacy?
I continued reading, and the description left me confused.
They offer professional therapy sessions with experienced sex therapists, claiming to help people with issues such as intimacy problems and even sexual knowledge.
It seemed too exaggerated to be true, tailored specifically to what I was experiencing.
I was drawn to the idea, even though the whole thing felt so wrong.
The idea swirled through my mind as I instinctively grabbed my phone and typed the address into the Map app.
I didn't know what I was expecting to see, but when it appeared, it was...
The club was located in the heart of the city, far from where I lived.
Was it just a nightclub? Or was it something more?
The website claimed to be "safe" and "welcoming" to those serious about exploring their desires.
Is this true?
Doubts pressing down on me, but what if this was my chance to learn, to understand and feel what I'd missed?
I had no experience and no one to turn to, and maybe this could help me understand my tangled thoughts and feelings.
So what harm could it cause?
Maybe, just maybe, there's no harm in trying it.