Cartel Cats: A Real L if E Hero
Episode: "Roast the Script, Flip the Mark"
[Opening Scene: Felicia's Kitchen – Late Night]
The kitchen is dim, the only light coming from the fridge. Felicia sits at the table, pawing through a pile of roast chicken bones. El Gato Blanco, La Sombra, La Pantera, El Tigre, El Zorro, and Pawloma are sprawled around, scrolling through their phones and tossing out one-liners.
Felicia (sighs):
Alright, kittens, tonight's lesson: how to roast, how to rise, and how to know when someone's just playing themselves.
El Gato Blanco (scrolling):
Ma, you ever notice how folks are scared of the wrong things? I'll walk into a fight, but bring on a spider and I'm gone.
La Pantera:
Or how people think running from life is a choice? Like, "Good job, Ellen!" #ellendegeneres. You think she wanted to be the queen of nice, or did she just get tired of everyone's whiny bitch energy?
Felicia:
That's the thing, kittens. Sometimes you get roasted for being real. Sometimes you get roasted for being fake. Either way, you leave a mark—applause, mugshot, or punchline.
El Zorro (snickering):
Jodi Miller vs. Jodi Arias: "Good Job" vs. "Good Jop." One crushes AGT with cat jokes, the other crushes…well, let's just say she left a mark.
(Tag: Jodi Miller | Jodi Arias)
Pawloma:
And who gets the fan club? Not the one with the X on the stage, but the one with the X on her record. That's the world for you.
La Sombra (quiet):
Sometimes the only cell you're in is the one you built yourself. Locked up by your own stupidity, not by the law.
El Tigre:
MKUltra didn't break you, you just signed up to be a clueless host for someone else's drama. You want to be cartel, but you're just a pawn. You're not smart, you just think rolling deep covers up your lack of brains.
Felicia:
And don't get me started on consent. By force isn't consent. "Two-for-one" confusion doesn't make it right. Consent don't count when you're hustling slow-witted dicks and trying to buy your way out with spare change and fake charm.
El Gato Blanco:
Is it a roast or a rescue? Sometimes it's both. Sometimes you gotta swing, sometimes you gotta duck. Sometimes you gotta ask Voight or Hargitay which way to run.
(Tag: Jason Beghe as Hank Voight | Mariska Hargitay)
La Pantera:
And sometimes you just gotta say, "I'm not scared of a gun, but bring on a spider and holy s***." Real talk. #mentalhealthmatters
Felicia:
You want to be a real L if E hero? You gotta know the difference between running from life and running for your life. You gotta know when to roast, when to forgive, and when to just walk away.
El Zorro:
And if you're gonna play cartel, at least learn the rules. Cartels target nobody and everybody—just like you: all bluster, zero backbone.
Pawloma:
And if you're gonna be a hoe, own it. But don't let someone else's drama become your brand.
Felicia:
Kindness isn't always a choice, kittens. Sometimes it's survival. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you from turning "evil" into "live." So flip the script, raise the bar, and leave the world better than you found it.
[Closing Scene: The Cartel Cats' Toast – Rooftop, Midnight]
The crew gathers under the stars, city lights blinking below. Felicia raises her mug.
Felicia:
To the ones who roast, the ones who rise, and the ones who know when to walk away. To real talk, real love, and always raising the bar.
All together:
#snap #roast #foodsecurity #cannabiscommunity #mentalhealthmatters #comedy #truestory #mentalhealthawareness #consentmatters #crime #cartels #mafia #ganglife #popculture #EllenDeGeneres
[End Credits: Celebrity Tags]
Jodi Miller: jodimillercomedy.com
Jodi Arias: Wikipedia
Tiffany Jenkins: jugglingthejenkins.com
Ellen DeGeneres: ellentube.com
Mariska Hargitay: mariska.com
Jason Beghe (Voight): NBC Chicago PD
Joe Santagato: joesantagato.com
Copy, paste, and let the roast begin.