Tiffany Haddish Presents: Kids Have Amnesty…SAY…What!?
Kids Sound Off: "If We Could Really Answer Our Parents (Without Getting Smacked) – Extended and Extra Savage Edition!"
Inspired by the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Scene: The Back-Talk Buffet – Extended Family Size
"Alright, snack squad—today's the day you get to say all the things you WISH you could say to your parents, but usually can't unless you want to spend the next week on dish duty. No time-outs, no lectures, no getting smacked—just pure, unfiltered kid truth. Let's roast these classic parent sayings!"
"Because I said so."
"Oh, cool, so you're the boss just because you have a coffee mug that says so?"
"Is this the same logic you use when you can't find your car keys?"
"If I said that to my teacher, I'd be in the principal's office before you could say 'grounded.'"
"Do as I say, not as I do."
"So, you get to eat cookies in bed, but if I do it, suddenly it's a crime scene?"
"That's like a dentist with no teeth telling me to floss."
"Do you also run with scissors and leave your socks on the floor, or is that just for me?"
"You'll understand when you're older."
"You mean when I'm old enough to forget where I put my phone?"
"If I have to wait that long, can I at least get a cheat sheet?"
"Or is this just code for 'I don't want to explain it because I don't know either'?"
"Money doesn't grow on trees."
"But you keep buying stuff from Amazon like it's on sale for free."
"If money doesn't grow on trees, why do you call it 'paper'?"
"If I plant your credit card in the backyard, will we get a money bush?"
"This hurts me more than it hurts you."
"Want to swap and see? I bet I can win."
"You look fine, I'm the one who's grounded with no WiFi."
"Is this why you eat chocolate in the closet when you think I'm asleep?"
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
"You say that, but you still take a million pictures of me like I'm a baby model."
"So you're basically Thanos, but with a minivan?"
"If I said that to my goldfish, you'd make me apologize."
"Don't talk back."
"Isn't this a conversation or is it just a one-person TED Talk?"
"You ask me a question, I answer, and suddenly I'm in trouble for having a mouth?"
"If I wanted to just nod and smile, I'd be a bobblehead."
"Because I love you."
"So love means broccoli for dinner and chores on Saturday?"
"If love is making me wear itchy sweaters, I'll take a rain check."
"If you love me, let me stay up late and eat cereal for dinner just once."
"When you pay the bills, you can make the rules."
"So if I sell my Pokémon cards and pay for Netflix, can I skip bedtime?"
"Does this mean Grandma is actually in charge, since she gives you money sometimes?"
"I'll remember this next time you ask me to fix your phone."
"Go ask your father/mother."
"So you're just passing the buck like it's family hot potato?"
"Is this a game show? 'Let's see what Dad says!'"
"If I ask both of you and get two different answers, do I win a prize or just get confused?"
"We'll see."
"Translation: That means 'no' but you're too scared to say it."
"If I said 'we'll see' about my homework, you'd see me grounded."
"Just say no, it's faster. I can take it. I'm strong."
"Back in my day…"
"Here we go again, story time with the dinosaurs."
"Was everything black and white back then, or just the TV?"
"If you walked uphill both ways to school, why do you drive me everywhere now?"
"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"
"Depends—are they getting out of chores?"
"If you saw the TikTok, you'd understand."
"If you had friends with better ideas, maybe you wouldn't have to ask."
"You're under my roof, you follow my rules."
"Then why do you always complain about the roof leaking?"
"If I build a pillow fort, do I get to make the rules in there?"
"Does this mean I can make rules if I sleep in the garage?"
"Don't make that face, it'll get stuck that way."
"If faces got stuck, you'd be making the 'I'm disappointed' look forever."
"If that's true, why do you always look tired?"
"Can I pick the face it gets stuck on? I want the 'I just ate candy' face."
The Kids' Final Verdict
"Parents have more catchphrases than a cartoon, and half of them make no sense."
"If you want us to listen, try honesty. Or snacks. Snacks work."
"We're not trying to be sassy, we just want to know why you do the things you do."
"Let us answer back—no smacks, just snacks. And maybe a later bedtime."
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for letting us say what we're all thinking (and for not telling our parents). For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.