Chapter 7: Money Doesn't Grow on Trees (But Why Not?)
Scene: The Backyard Finance Summit
Colonel Mustard (the Common Sense Condiment) stands beside a small, leafless tree with a single dollar bill taped to a branch. A Kid, holding a piggy bank shaped like a dinosaur, looks skeptical. Across from them, Mr. Cash Flow, the official representative of the International Idiocracy of Financial Wisdom, nervously counts a handful of coins.
Colonel Mustard:
Alright, today's topic: Money Doesn't Grow on Trees. Mr. Cash Flow, you're accused of confusing kids about where money actually comes from while expecting them to magically pay for everything. What's your defense?
Mr. Cash Flow:
I plead… financially challenged! Money comes from working hard, saving, and sometimes a little luck. But mostly, it's complicated.
Kid:
Objection! If money is so complicated, why do adults act like it grows on credit cards? And why do you tell me it doesn't grow on trees, but then buy coffee every day like it's water?
Colonel Mustard:
Boom. Caught in the cash flow contradiction. Mr. Cash Flow, care to explain?
Mr. Cash Flow:
Well, adults have bills, responsibilities, and emergencies. Kids don't understand that.
Kid:
Maybe because you don't explain it! You say "money doesn't grow on trees," but then you don't teach us how to plant a money tree or how to grow our own cash.
Colonel Mustard:
Classic Idiocracy tactic: scare kids with "no money" but don't teach them how finance works. Mr. Cash Flow, do you have any kid-friendly advice?
Mr. Cash Flow:
Save your allowance. Don't spend it all at once. And don't expect handouts.
Kid:
That's like telling me to eat my veggies without showing me how to cook them. Saving is good, but you gotta teach us the whole recipe—budgeting, earning, investing—not just "no."
Colonel Mustard:
Let's review the evidence. Exhibit A: Kids get money from chores, gifts, or allowances. Exhibit B: Adults expect kids to buy their own stuff but rarely explain how. Exhibit C: The phrase "money doesn't grow on trees" is used more than actual financial lessons.
Mr. Cash Flow:
But money is complicated! Taxes, bills, credit cards—it's a jungle out there.
Kid:
Exactly! So start teaching us how to navigate the jungle instead of just telling us to stay out.
Colonel Mustard:
Kid, what's your solution to the money mystery?
Kid:
Teach us early. Make money lessons fun, like a game. Show us how to save for something big, how to earn by helping out, and why spending wisely matters. And maybe, just maybe, stop buying coffee every day and save that money for our college fund.
Mr. Cash Flow:
Can I keep my calculator?
Kid:
Only if you use it to figure out how to save more and waste less.
Colonel Mustard:
Case closed! Money doesn't grow on trees, but with honesty, education, and a little discipline, it can grow in your wallet.
Later, Mr. Cash Flow is seen explaining budgeting with Monopoly money. The Kid excitedly plans a savings goal. Colonel Mustard smiles, pocketing a dollar bill.
Colonel Mustard (voiceover):
The truth about money? It's not magic. It's math, patience, and a little bit of common sense. Teach it well, and the future looks rich.