Rei Sakamoto had survived his first five minutes in Hell Inc. And by survive, he meant that he hadn't spontaneously combusted, been eviscerated by a filing cabinet, or misfiled his own soul into the Torment Division.
Yet.
The office before him buzzed with the strained energy of an overworked, underpaid army. Glowing stacks of unprocessed soul requests teetered on molten iron desks. The lighting was artificial, flickering from hexagonal glass panels suspended by red chains. Somewhere in the distance, a copy machine groaned like it was digesting bones.
Rei adjusted the knot on his black tie—flaming red lines pulsing along the fabric now, as if tracking his vitals.
"Report," he said, mimicking the tone of leadership he'd never actually wielded in life.
The oni intern, a burly creature with blood-colored skin and a shaved scalp, sprang to attention.
"Sir! Karma Overflow Subsector A-14 is experiencing spiritual congestion due to a bottleneck in soul filtering! We've got 49,329 spirits idling without reincarnation routing. If we don't clear it within the hour, they'll form a collective will."
"A what?"
"A chaos entity. Made from unresolved egos and unfiled grievances. Typically hostile. Extremely loud."
"Great," Rei muttered. "Exactly how I like my Mondays."
He turned to the spectral grandmother.
"I'm called Nana Wei," she said with a no-nonsense tone. Her voice rattled like an old radiator, but her eyes shone with command. "I've processed more lifetimes than your world's seen presidential scandals. We need thirty-one Soul Routing Forms, seventeen Conflict Reconciliation Packages, and six Override Orders. Minimum."
Rei hesitated. "I have no idea what any of those are."
"You have the System. It will know."
As if on cue, the translucent interface flared to life, projecting a rotating cube of data in front of him.
> [Task: Subsector A-14 Resolution]
Generate and approve spiritual redirection documents.
Assign case handlers.
Meet Karmic Neutrality Quota.
Time Remaining: 7 Minutes, 22 Seconds.
"System," Rei muttered under his breath, "uh… create the forms Nana requested."
> Insufficient Authority. Executive Rank Too Low.
"Of course."
Vexor, who had been watching from a cushioned chair by the hellish water cooler, sipped magma from a porcelain cup. "Try delegating. You're not here to do paperwork. You're here to make sure others do it."
Rei stared at the forms now materializing in mid-air—dozens of them, glowing red and flickering at the edges like they'd catch fire if mishandled.
He turned to the three-headed serpent coiled around an HR desk.
"Assign routing tasks to yourself. Prioritize souls with high karmic balance, route chaotic profiles to delay queues."
Three mouths hissed in harmony. "Processing. Processing. Priority established."
One head bit down on a flaming paper, stamping it with its eye.
Nana Wei clapped once. "Now that's delegation."
The oni—Goro, apparently—cracked his knuckles and leapt into action, punching data into an ancient terminal. Every keystroke triggered sparks. One monitor exploded. He didn't seem to mind.
Rei felt himself slipping into the rhythm. It was insane, but familiar. Like a nightmarish version of every deadline he'd ever missed. His thoughts sharpened, the chaos becoming a grid in his mind.
Until the room froze.
The heat dimmed. Shadows grew long, and the lights flickered to cold blue.
Seraphina Vale stepped forward.
"Mr. Sakamoto."
Her voice was gentle frost layered over granite.
Rei turned slowly. "Auditor Vale."
"You are operating under provisional authority," she said. "But you have yet to submit your Executive Alignment Manifesto. That is a violation."
"A… what?"
"It defines your karmic intent, guiding principles, and reincarnative alignment. Without it, your soul classification remains undefined."
Rei's stomach twisted.
"And if I don't submit one?"
"Technically, you are subject to spontaneous disincorporation. Though I'd personally prefer to see what you're made of first."
Her tone was measured, polite—but there was a flicker in her eyes, something almost human beneath the heavenly steel.
Rei met her gaze. "Can I write one now?"
Seraphina handed him a small obsidian tablet, already glowing with infernal script.
He read aloud as it formed:
> I, Rei Sakamoto, Executive of Rebirth Logistics, hereby align myself with the principle of functional chaos: justice through efficiency, structure through rebellion. I do not seek peace—I seek balance through precision.
Let souls flow as they are meant to, not as Heaven dictates.
There was a beat of silence.
Seraphina tilted her head. "That is… unorthodox."
"It's honest."
"For your sake, I hope honesty doesn't kill you."
She vanished in a whisper of golden light. A glowing checkmark appeared on the System interface.
> Alignment Manifesto Accepted. Rank Authority Increased.
You may now generate mid-tier forms.
Bonus: 2 Karma Credits.
Rei didn't smile. He just got to work.
Time bled away. The chaos faded into motion. Documents flew like birds across terminals. One soul's grievance involved being born as a cursed vending machine—another involved a millennia-old misunderstanding between twin phoenixes. Goro cheered as he processed his first 10,000-ticket batch.
And when the final soul was filed—
> Objective Complete.
Subsector A-14 Stabilized.
Backlog Cleared. Promotion Eligibility Pending.
Rei collapsed into his chair, exhausted. Nana handed him a cup of something vaguely liquid and worryingly red.
He drank it without question.
Vexor rose. "Congratulations, Mr. Sakamoto. You've completed your first day."
Rei blinked. "That was just one day?"
The demon smiled.
"In Hell Inc., every minute lasts a lifetime."