For a long moment, the only sound in the town square was the gentle thump-thump-thump of Kazuma's head hitting the inside of the rain barrel. The situation had escalated beyond all known forms of logic and entered a new, uncharted territory of sheer, unadulterated absurdity.
Deadpool stood there, casually holding the head of a Demon King's General under his arm, looking for all the world like a shopper who had just picked out a prize-winning cabbage at the market. Beldia's headless body, meanwhile, was experiencing a full-blown existential crisis. It staggered a few steps, its gauntleted hands patting its neck stump as if confirming a terrible suspicion.
"This is preposterous!" Beldia's head roared, its voice muffled by Deadpool's armpit. "Unhand me at once! My body will strike you down!"
As if on cue, the headless body drew its massive sword and swung it in a wild, terrifying arc. The problem was, without its head, its sense of direction was, to put it mildly, compromised. The sword missed Deadpool by a good ten feet and instead cleaved a nearby merchant's stall in half, sending a shower of apples and splintered wood everywhere.
"Whoa there, He-Man! Watch the collateral damage!" Deadpool chided the body. He then turned his attention back to the head. "Your friend over there seems a little agitated. Maybe you should tell him to cool his jets before he accidentally prunes the mayor's prize-winning petunias."
He gave the head a little shake. "Now, about my demands. The fifty-thousand Eris is non-negotiable. That's for emotional distress. Your curse was very tingly and it made me question my life choices for a whole five seconds. The public apology is also a must. I want it tearful, I want it sincere, and I want it to mention how my suit brings out the color of my eyes, even though you can't see them."
"Never!" the head bellowed.
"And the socks," Deadpool continued, ignoring him. "Let's talk about the socks. Every man, woman, and child. I want them delivered to the Guild hall by noon tomorrow. No holes, no mismatches. I'll accept novelty socks on a case-by-case basis, but anything with minions on it will be considered an act of aggression."
The absurdity of the demands finally broke Kazuma's paralysis. He climbed out of the rain barrel, dripping wet and looking completely defeated. "Deadpool, stop it! You can't ransom a Demon King's general for his army's sock collection! That's not how international diplomacy works!"
"Says you!" Deadpool retorted. "You use leverage where you find it. And right now, I've got head-leverage. It's the best kind."
To demonstrate, he began to treat Beldia's head like a ventriloquist's dummy. He put on a high, squeaky voice. "Ooh, help me, I'm a big scary knight but I lost my head! I can't even put on my own pants in the morning!"
"Stop that! I do not sound like that!" Beldia's head roared, its glowing eyes flaring with impotent rage.
Deadpool switched back to his normal voice. "Then tell your body to stand down. I'm the one with the head, I make the rules."
"Body, attack him! Destroy the red menace!" the head commanded.
The headless body charged. It was a terrifying sight, a juggernaut of black plate armor moving with immense speed. It charged directly past Deadpool and crashed headfirst into the town's fountain with a monumental splash, sending water everywhere. It flailed for a moment before falling face-first into the shallow pool, its armored legs kicking futilely in the air.
Darkness, who had been watching with a conflicted expression of disappointment and fascination, suddenly gasped. "He is defenseless! Dishonored! Helplessly flailing in a puddle! This is a level of humiliation no knight should ever endure!"
She then rushed forward, not to attack, but to help. "Fear not, dark knight! I shall assist you!" She grabbed onto Beldia's leg and began to pull, trying to drag the massive warrior out of the fountain. "To be subjected to such indignity… to have your power rendered useless by a common water feature… how utterly, exquisitely debasing!"
Her "help" only seemed to make the situation worse, as she was now being kicked repeatedly by the flailing, headless body, which she seemed to be enjoying immensely.
Deadpool watched the scene, shaking his head. "Kids today. Can't even have a proper hostage standoff without someone turning it into their own weird personal psychodrama." He gave Beldia's head a friendly noogie with his knuckles. "Your army is a mess, pal. You really need to work on their discipline."
"When I get my body back," the head seethed, "I am going to grind your bones into dust."
"Threats, threats. So boring." Deadpool held the head up and looked it dead in the eyes. "Let me tell you what's going to happen. Option A: You agree to my demands. You promise to pack up your spooky horse and go home, and you don't come back to bother this lovely, if slightly insane, town again. Option B…" He leaned in closer. "I take you back to our party's table at the guild. I sit you down. And I make you watch Aqua perform her 'endless fountain of water from her fingertips' party trick. For twelve hours straight. Followed by a marathon of Megumin explaining the philosophical nuances of why explosions are the only true art form. Your sanity will break long before your body rusts in that fountain. Choose wisely."
The image Deadpool painted was one of such profound, mind-numbing horror that even a Demon King's general had to flinch. The thought of being subjected to the concentrated, unfiltered nonsense of his party for half a day was a fate worse than any physical torture.
A long, tense silence stretched over the square. All eyes were on the head in Deadpool's hand. The headless body had finally stopped flailing, seemingly exhausted, with Darkness still clinging to its leg with a blissful expression.
Finally, with a sound like grinding rocks, Beldia's head spoke. "Fine," it growled, the single word dripping with more hatred and humiliation than the entire demonic lexicon could contain.
"Fine, what?" Deadpool prompted. "'Fine, you'll leave'? Or 'Fine, you admit my tactical genius is unparalleled and you wish to subscribe to my newsletter'?"
"I will leave," the head snarled through clenched teeth. "I will withdraw my forces and I will not trouble this town again… for now. Now give me back my head, you detestable wretch."
"Attaboy." Deadpool grinned. He looked at the headless body, which was now being patted gently on the shoulder by Darkness. "Hey! Tin Can! Your boss says you're leaving!"
He tossed the head underhand. It flew through the air in a perfect arc and landed back on the headless knight's neck stump with a surprisingly clean schlick.
Beldia stood up, shaking water from his armor. He rolled his newly-re-attached head, the motion stiff and furious. He glared at Deadpool, then at the weirdly happy Crusader, then at the goddess who was trying to take credit for the victory by striking a pose, and finally at the boy still hiding behind the barrel.
Without another word, he summoned his demonic steed, mounted it, and galloped away, his black cape billowing behind him. He didn't look back. The retreat was too humiliating.
The town was silent for a moment, and then it erupted into a ragged, disbelieving cheer.
Deadpool took a bow. "Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week! Remember to tip your waitress and leave your socks by the door!"
Kazuma slowly approached, his face a mask of disbelief. "You did it. You actually did it. You defeated a Demon King's general by stealing his head and bullying him into leaving."
"Never underestimate the power of psychological warfare and a complete lack of shame," Deadpool said sagely. He patted Kazuma on the back. "See, kid? Sometimes, the craziest plan is the only one that works. Now, about my payment…"