I stepped out of the ruined convenience store, dusting off cereal bits from my shirt like it was just another Tuesday in apocalypse land.
Enough of this nonsense.
With a casual snap of my fingers, reality warped like badly compressed video footage, and a sleek, matte black Pagani Utopia Convertible materialized right there on the blood-stained asphalt. The last version. Custom-made for a cosmic concept who casually melts faces with his thoughts.
The undead paused for a second, almost impressed.
Jill's jaw practically hit the floor. "Where the hell did that come from?"
I shrugged, sliding on a pair of mirrored sunglasses I also conjured out of thin air. "Tired of walking. Tired of thinking people into chunky salsa. I'm going to the hotel. Gonna take a long bath and relax. You wanna come?"
I snapped again, manifesting a Big Mac in my other hand, even though my immortal body didn't technically require food. But hey, old habits die hard. Unlike me.
I took a massive bite. "Mmm… processed perfection."
Jill looked like she was about to pass out. "You're eating… a Big Mac… during a zombie outbreak."
"It's called balance," I replied, waving her over as the Pagani's engine purred like a predatory panther fueled by raw cosmic energy. "Also, luxury car plus apocalypse equals style points."
The zombies groaned, shuffling closer.
I didn't even bother. The moment their rotten brains thought kill him, they exploded like overripe fruit.
Blood rained. The Pagani stayed spotless, self-cleaning protocol intact.
Meanwhile…
High above, in some shimmering, interdimensional office space floating beyond time itself, God sipped a celestial espresso, watching the scene unfold like it was his favorite sitcom.
A proud grin stretched across His face. "That's my boy… starting to act just like me when I was young."
Beside Him, Archangel Gabriel side-eyed Him, unimpressed. "When you were young, you accidentally erased Atlantis because someone called you short."
God cleared His throat, suddenly finding the celestial coffee machine fascinating. "Irrelevant history."
Back on Earth, I revved the Pagani's engine, tires screeching as we tore down the abandoned streets of Raccoon City.
Jill finally jumped in, eyes wide, still processing everything. "This is insane."
"Correction," I said, chomping another bite of burger. "This is survival… with style."
A pack of undead spilled onto the road ahead, moaning, eyes burning with one suicidal thought: destroy him.
POP.
They vaporized mid-step, leaving behind empty clothes and a faint smell of regret.
Jill's grip tightened on the dashboard. "I think I'm going to be sick."
"Better now than later," I quipped, tossing the burger wrapper out the window. It disintegrated before it hit the ground—environmentally friendly destruction, courtesy of Death 2.0.
We skidded around a corner, nearly sideswiping a pile of wrecked police cruisers. More zombies poured out of alleyways.
"Just think happy thoughts," I muttered, trying not to obliterate entire city blocks with stray intrusive ideas. "Puppies. Beaches. Me not wiping the timeline clean…"
The HUD in front of me updated:
Hostile Thoughts Detected: 47
Total Fatalities: 47
Mental Discipline: 22/100 — Baby steps.
Power Mastery: 10.03% — Barely functional cosmic grenade.
Auto-Cleaning: Spotless. You sparkle under blood rain.
We drifted through a flaming intersection, the undead popping like grotesque party balloons every time they entertained violent thoughts.
God's voice popped in through my divine comms, casual as ever. "By the way, loving the car. Real nice. I had a chariot once, but you know… wheels weren't invented yet."
Gabriel's voice chimed in dryly. "You crashed that chariot into Mars."
"Details."
Jill, still clutching the seat like her life depended on it, yelled over the roaring engine, "Where are we even going?!"
"Five-star hotel, rooftop suite, bubble bath the size of a swimming pool," I replied, pulling onto an elevated freeway. "Maybe summon some champagne, too."
"Champagne?!" she barked. "During an extinction-level event?"
I grinned. "You have to enjoy the little things."
Ahead, a monstrous Tyrant-class B.O.W., bigger than the last, blocked the road. Clawed, snarling, its mind already cooking up murderous intent.
I didn't even flinch.
The creature's head popped like an overfilled water balloon the second it thought terminate target.
I drove right through the splatter zone, tires kicking up brain matter, car spotless thanks to divine detailing.
The HUD dinged again:
Hostile Thoughts Detected: 1
Total Fatalities: 1
Mental Discipline: 22/100 — Still garbage.
Power Mastery: 10.04% — Slightly less catastrophic.
Auto-Cleaning: Eternal showroom finish.
We zipped off toward the glimmering city skyline, apocalypse raging behind us.
I leaned back, sunglasses glinting under the blood-red sky. "I love my job."
God laughed through the divine link, wiping a bead of sweat from His cosmic brow. "Good thing you can't accidentally kill Me… yet."
Gabriel whispered, "You said that about Death 1.0, remember?"
God's smile faltered slightly. "Shh…"
Jill sighed beside me. "I hate how weirdly fun this is."
I winked. "Welcome to my life. Buckle up—it only gets crazier from here."