Reading Tim's account of that night blew my mind. I had no idea that's how he saw things back then. Fate's a wild thing—if we hadn't reconnected, we might've never known what was really going on in each other's heads. Timing's everything too. If I'd learned the truth back then, I don't think I could've handled it. But later, I realized Tim had already pieced most of it together—you'll see why as you read on.
That night in Thailand? Tim only got about 30-40% of the story. For example, when he reached the bedroom door, things had already started. I filled him in on the early details after we reconnected. The conversations in the room were hushed, so he only caught bits and pieces. Like, he didn't hear the part about Jason back then. I thought he knew, so when we reunited, I mentioned it casually, and he was shocked—it was his first time hearing it. A lot of what he wrote was guesswork. After we reconnected, I laid it all bare, clearing up the fog of that night.
On the surface, I was shaped by my strict, traditional upbringing into the "good girl" mold—girls shouldn't do certain things, or so I was taught. But deep down, my inner world was a mess. In elementary school, I'd sneakily listen to radio shows about love and sex. In high school, I'd flip through adult sections of magazines. Sure, I focused more on the emotional stuff, but I wasn't clueless about sex. My shy, introverted nature, though, kept me from dating. Family rules played a part, but honestly, my personality was the bigger barrier. Despite plenty of guys chasing me in high school and college, my shyness made taking that first step near impossible. Falling for Tim—that "jerk"—took serious time.
The "Jason incident" mentioned in Tim's story? That was my personal nightmare. Two years before college, I had a massive crush on my tutor, a college guy who seemed so smart and always made me laugh. We had some flirty moments during tutoring, but it never became official. After the Thailand fiasco, I had a few more encounters with him that totally changed my view of him—Tim will write about that later, so I won't dive in. When I got to college, I met my first real scumbag, Jason, who helped me forget my tutor crush. I wanted to stop here, but Tim insisted I share this story. I don't want to waste more energy on trash like Jason, so I told Tim the full story, let him write it, but I cut out half the details to keep it short.
Basically, early in my freshman year, Jason, a senior, approached me. I was new to college, and my family finally okayed dating, so I was secretly excited. Jason was a sunny, athletic guy with tons of friends. He used classic fuckboy tactics—checking in, acting sweet—and naive me fell for it, thinking someone actually loved me. He never officially confirmed the relationship, but I genuinely thought we were a thing. One night after a movie, he grabbed my hand. I was terrified but too intimidated to pull away. He led me to a dark corner of a park, kissed me, and started touching me. He tugged down my panties, and I told him, "It's too fast, give me time." He ignored me, kept kissing, saying, "It's not fast, I'm struggling here. If you love me, help me out." Before I could respond, he tried pushing in. It hurt. I kept flinching, but he didn't care, kept going until he was in.
Afterward, I asked what we were. He said he "needed time to think." Real classy, right? I was devastated, desperate not to lose him. I went from him chasing me to me chasing him. Over two weeks, I saw him twice—both times to "meet his needs." One time, I was on my period, so he made me use my mouth. He was rough, thrusting hard, and finished in my mouth. I threw up after. He went from sweet to annoyed, calling me clingy. When I demanded to know what we were, he snapped, "You're just a sex partner, what else do you want?" I wasn't mad about the rough sex—maybe my submissive side is innate—but his attitude. That crushed me. If he'd just called me his girlfriend, I would've accepted everything. Soon after, he ghosted me and got a new girlfriend.
Deep down, the Jason incident scarred me. His roughness and coldness made me fear men, but the mix of shame and guilt also awakened a hidden desire to be dominated. It left me terrified of guys, so despite all the suitors, I was too scared to date for months. Then, at that Christmas reunion, I met Tim—a guy who loved me wholeheartedly. His sincerity pulled me out of that dark place, showing me I wasn't worthless, that I didn't have to cry alone anymore. Time likes a bitch, a slut sometimes, a fuck sometimes. If it wasn't for that timing, he wouldn't have won me over. His gentleness was why I fell for him—and, ironically, part of why we broke up later.
So why did I cheat if I loved Tim so much? Being drunk was just an excuse. Curiosity, a bit of thrill-seeking, and that submissive urge from the Jason mess played a role. But the real reason? Insecurity. Tim was so busy back then, rarely around, and he had plenty of female friends. My low self-esteem made me doubt his love. Loneliness wasn't just about missing him—it was about craving security. When I was with him, his devotion made me feel safe. But when he was gone, I'd spiral, thinking he didn't care. Jason's shadow loomed large, and I tried not to love Tim too deeply, but feelings are hard to control. The more I loved him, the more I'd overthink and pull back. That void and need for reassurance made me vulnerable to Alex's advances, slipping into the mess of cheating over and over.
I knew what Alex wanted. If I'd cut him off, it would've stopped. But with Tim absent, I felt so alone. Alex was like a safety net, keeping me from falling too hard for Tim. And there was one more thing—Alex always steered talks toward sex, pushing things further. The thrill of sneaking around in the dark, being the passive one, like meat on a cutting board? I loved it. Tim couldn't give me that dominated feeling.
The Thailand night was a turning point for me and Tim, where my inner conflicts exploded. When Tyson and Alex pressured me, fear, shame, and pleasure collided. I wanted to resist, but my body's reactions pulled me in. Back then, I thought it was wrong. It wasn't until I grew up and had more experiences that I realized what I truly wanted: "Be hard on me, but cherish my soul." Control me with everything you've got, then kiss me softly—that's perfection.
Lastly, sorry for my weaker writing skills; my pace is slower. Timeline-wise, "Blossoming into My Submissive Side" comes after "Kimmi's Affair," so we'll release the "M" series after Tim finishes the affair series. This order better captures the emotional and psychological journey.