"Alright, all eyes on me! Meeting's in session, people!" Lin Ye cleared his throat. His voice wasn't loud, but it carried an undeniable air of command.
"First on the agenda, I want to call out the fella in the plaid shirt," he said, pointing his antenna toward a signature programmer zombie in the middle of the horde. "Yes, you! Stop gawking! Look at you. As a member of this team, you have absolutely zero collective honor! Your gait is all wrong—left arm, left leg, a complete lack of coordination! Your hiss has a lisp, and you're drooling all over your own feet. Ten points off for personal grooming! How are you supposed to instill a sense of dread in the survivors like that? How are you going to raise our entire zombie team's KPI? You're dragging down our average. You're a disgrace to the team, you understand?"
The programmer zombie let out a meaningless gurgle from its throat, as if lodging a protest.
"Not convinced? Try taking a few steps, I dare you," Lin Ye scoffed. "Now look at the big guy next to you in the food delivery uniform. See that? That sprint, that focus, that desperate 'your-food-is-getting-cold' hustle! That is professionalism! So what if half his face is gone and it hurts his looks? His professional skills are top-notch! What do we call that? We call that corporate culture! That's the wolf-pack spirit!"
He paused for effect, then swept the antenna toward a female zombie in yoga pants, her body twisted into a grotesque pose.
"And you, ma'am! For crying out loud, you're a zombie now, not at a Pilates class! What's with that 'Downward-Facing Dog' you're using for locomotion? Are you trying to cosplay a nurse from Silent Hill? The idea is admirable, but the execution is a train wreck. It just makes your core strength look terrible! You get points for creativity, but zero for execution! Go home and think about what you've done!"
Lin Ye was getting into the swing of it now, spittle flying. You'd think he was a king surveying his empire, not a lone survivor trapped on a roof, out of food and ammunition.
Just as he was about to launch a third round of personal attacks against a pigeon-toed security guard zombie, a cold, emotionless, mechanical voice exploded in his mind.
[Ding!]
[Detecting that Host, under conditions of extreme disadvantage, has maintained an optimistic mentality and sustained a continuous output of high-quality, high-density, multi-angled, and deeply insightful complaints. Host perfectly meets the binding requirements for the "Apex Mouthpiece System"!]
[System forced activation in progress... 10%... 70%... 100%!]
[Binding successful! Congratulations, Host Lin Ye. From this day forward, your every complaint will be imbued with power!]
The smile on Lin Ye's face froze.
The antenna in his hand clattered off the billboard, falling into the horde below. A curious zombie picked it up, stuffed it in its mouth, then spat it out in disgust.
"A system?" Lin Ye stared blankly for a moment before his lips started twitching uncontrollably. "Hey, buddy, aren't you a little late to the party? I've already finished the first half of my motivational rally and you only show up now? And 'Apex Mouthpiece System'? What a half-assed name! It's the apocalypse! People are out there awakening lightning powers and time-stopping abilities, so how come I get stuck with a power that's all talk? This is professional discrimination! I'm filing a complaint!"
[Ding!]
[Complaint has targeted "System Functionality". Logic: Clear. Emotion: Potent. Sharpness: Excellent. Rewarding one Newbie Gift Pack!]
[Newbie Gift Pack opened: Received Mouthpiece Points x20, Constitution +1.]
A gentle warmth instantly flooded his body. Lin Ye felt a surge of strength return to his limbs, which had been weak from hunger, and the fatigue from the past few days melted away. A pale blue virtual panel unfolded before his eyes.
[Host: Lin Ye]
[Strength: 5 (The benchmark for a complete weakling)]
[Agility: 6 (A little faster than a normal person, but not by much)]
[Constitution: 6 (Congratulations, you can now pull an extra all-nighter)]
[Spirit: 9 (Forged from years of online flame wars, your heart is now made of diamond)]
[Skills: None]
[Mouthpiece Points: 20]
"...Even the system notes are snarky," Lin Ye muttered, his eye twitching. But the thought was quickly drowned out by a wave of pure elation.
He skimmed the system's instructions and discovered that the points could be exchanged for physical enhancements, skills, weapons, supplies—everything needed to survive the apocalypse.
This was a golden ticket! So what if the activation method was bizarre? The results were real!
"Hahaha! The world of roasting was a long, dark night, until I, Lin the Grandmaster, was born!" Lin Ye planted his hands on his hips and laughed at the sky. "Minions! Your emperor... has returned!"
The zombies below looked up blankly, letting out a chorus of groans as if on cue.
After his triumphant laughter died down, a serious problem presented itself: how was he going to get off this billboard?
The entrance to the convenience store below was completely blocked by the horde. The only way out was to jump to the third-floor balcony of the residential building next door. The distance... he estimated it was over four meters. With his current stats, that jump would be a one-way ticket to becoming a fresh delivery of human takeout.
"I've got points now. It'd be a crime against my own dramatic predicament not to put them into agility." Lin Ye immediately opened the system store.
[Agility +1: 10 Points]
"Purchase!"
[Ding! 10 points spent. Agility +1.]
[Agility: 7 (You might actually pass the 800-meter run now.)]
A feeling of lightness returned to his body, as if an invisible weight had been lifted. Lin Ye walked to the edge of the billboard and sized up the jump again. It... still looked pretty dicey.
"Still not enough points," he sighed, looking at his remaining 10 points and then down at the crowd of "walking point packs" below. A bold idea began to form.
He took a deep breath, once again transforming into the sharp-tongued mentor, and began a new round of "team building."
"Listen up! I have a personnel announcement to make! The food delivery guy, yes, you! In light of your outstanding performance, as of today, you are the District Chief of Zombie Squad, Sector A! Where's the applause?"
[Ding! Complaint has targeted "Zombie Collective". Creativity: Good. Received Mouthpiece Points +3.]
"And the little sister in the school uniform. You have great potential. You look a bit dazed now, but I believe your future is limitless! Here, I'll make you the Discipline Monitor. You'll be in charge of making sure no one publicly... wait, you guys don't have that function, do you? Anyway, keep up the good work!"
[Ding! Complaint has targeted "Zombie Individual". Creativity: Good. Received Mouthpiece Points +3.]
The points trickled in, and Lin Ye's commentary grew increasingly absurd.
"Security Guard Uncle! You! You're the new Head of our Community Security Department! For your year-end bonus, you get two living people... their brains!"
[Ding! Received Points +2.]
"And you, in the suit! Your tie is crooked all the way to your armpit! You look like one of those middle managers whose PowerPoint skills are better than their performance. I'll make you Deputy Head. No objections!"
[Ding! Received Points +4.]
After a torrent of nonsense, his points had skyrocketed to 22!
"One more agility boost!"
[Ding! 10 points spent. Agility +1.]
[Agility: 8 (With a 2.5-meter standing long jump, you'd be the coolest kid in school.)]
Lin Ye felt his body brimming with explosive power, as if his legs were now spring-loaded. He backed up, took a running start, and launched himself from the edge of the billboard!
Wind screamed past his ears as his body carved a perilous arc through the air. At the last possible second, his fingertips snagged the edge of the opposite balcony!
"Holy crap!"
The impact nearly tore his grip loose. He dangled from the third-floor balcony, swinging precariously. The horde below, stirred by the commotion, swarmed to the base of the building, reaching up with greedy hands and snarling hungrily.
"This damn building! What shoddy construction! There's nothing to grab on this balcony ledge! What was the architect thinking? Worried a burglar might get too comfortable? I hope your toilet clogs every single day!"
[Ding! Complaint has targeted "Architectural Design". Sharpness: Excellent. Received Mouthpiece Points +5.]
Lin Ye's arms bulged with sudden strength. Fueled by the morale boost from his complaint, he performed a desperate pull-up and tumbled onto the balcony.
He lay sprawled on the floor, gasping for air. Looking at his remaining 17 points, he managed a smile that looked more like a grimace.
He moved through the empty apartment, cautiously slipping out the back door and into an alley cluttered with junk. Just as he breathed a sigh of relief, a woman's scream pierced the air from the mouth of the alley.
"Aaaah! Help me!"
Lin Ye flinched and ducked back behind a corner, peeking out.
At the entrance to the alley, a young, disheveled girl in a white dress was cornered by three zombies. She was fending them off with a broken laundry pole, but it was clear she wouldn't last much longer.
The three zombies—a housewife, a security guard, and a student. They were none other than his newly appointed "Head of Security" and "Discipline Monitor," plus an unknown extra.
"What the hell? What a weird lineup. A shopper, a doorman, and a student. Are you guys holding a homeowner's association meeting here?" Lin Ye quipped reflexively.
[Ding! Complaint has targeted "Zombie Combination". Creativity: Superb! Received Mouthpiece Points +5.]
His points rose to 22, but Lin Ye wasn't smiling now.
Save her, or not?
He wasn't a hero, just a regular guy trying to stay alive. Taking on three zombies for a complete stranger seemed like a bad deal, no matter how you sliced it.
But even with tears streaking her face, the girl's eyes held a stubborn refusal to give up. That will to live struck a chord in him.
"Tsk, she's actually pretty cute. It'd be a shame if she died," he muttered, his mind at war with itself.
Just then, a line of golden text flashed on the system panel in his mind.
[Ding! Random Quest Triggered: A Newbie's First Damsel-in-Distress Rescue]
[Quest Details: Rescue the survivor, Xia Mo, who is besieged by zombies.]
[Reward: 50 Mouthpiece Points, Skill [Basic Combat Arts], the gratitude of survivor Xia Mo.]
[Failure Penalty: Experience the torment of conscience through endless regret and self-roasting. The intensity of the penalty is linked to the Host's Spirit stat.]
Lin Ye's eyes went wide.
50 points! And a skill!
And that failure penalty... it was a form of torture practically custom-made for him. With his Spirit stat at a whopping 9, if he fell into a cycle of self-recrimination, he'd probably roast himself into a complete mental breakdown.
"System, you're ruthless!"
Lin Ye gritted his teeth. Looking at his 22 points, he quickly navigated the store.
[Strength +1, cost 10 points.]
[Purchase "A Perfectly Ordinary Baseball Bat", cost 10 points.]
[Ding! Purchase successful!]
A flash of light, and a brand-new baseball bat, smelling faintly of fresh wood, appeared in Lin Ye's hand. He felt his strength increase again, and the solid weight of the weapon felt infinitely more reassuring than his bare hands.
[Host: Lin Ye]
[Strength: 6 (You can probably open a stubborn pickle jar now)]
[Agility: 8]
[Constitution: 6]
[Spirit: 9]
[Mouthpiece Points: 2]
[Weapon: A Perfectly Ordinary Baseball Bat (Note: But way more useful than a mop handle.)]
"Xia Mo, right? Hang in there, beautiful! The 'Knight Delivery' you ordered—Lin Ye—is on its way! Bad reviews get a full refund!"
Lin Ye took a deep breath, tightened his grip on the bat, a look of grim determination—and the thrill of an impending roast—flashing in his eyes.
He burst from behind the corner, letting out a thunderous, full-throated roar:
"Oi! You three rotten scumbags! In broad daylight, ganging up on a decent young woman! Is there no law? Is there no justice? Who is your regional manager? Get him out here! I want to file a complaint about your team's terrible service, poor professional skills, and for being a serious detriment to the city's public image!"
The three zombies attacking the girl spun around in unison, their empty eyes locking onto this new source of food, whose voice was louder than all three of theirs combined.
At the end of the alley, Xia Mo looked up, her eyes still wet with tears. She stared at the man with the baseball bat and the utterly bizarre entrance speech, momentarily forgetting her fear. Only a single thought filled her mind:
Is this guy... here to save me, or to do a stand-up comedy routine?