In the highest court of the Heavenly Bureau of Celestial Affairs, somewhere between the Cloud Records of Spirit Beasts and the Filing Cabinet of Eternal Gourd Assignments, a scroll unrolled violently.
🔔 "UNREGISTERED DIVINE BEAST DETECTED" 🔔
The scroll was signed with:
"Name: Unknown (Self-Identified as 'Whiskers')
Location: Azure Cloud Sect, Lower Realm
Phenomena: Accidental Massacre, Passive Realm Warping, Sleep-Based Enlightenment Spread"
And stamped with:
"Pending Ascension Evaluation"
High Registrar Zhao Wen, immortal for 9,000 years, balled his ink-stained fist.
"I am tired of these feral anomalies."
"We will go down," he said, eyes glinting. "We will evaluate. We will file forms. And we will register that cat."
They arrived at dawn.
Seven robed immortals, floating on scroll-shaped clouds. Every one of them held clipboards. One brought a portable seal array the size of a carriage.
They descended like tax auditors.
Elder Mei met them first.
"Welcome to the Azure Cloud Sect! If you're here to worship the shrine, the nap window reopens at—"
"We're not here to worship," Zhao Wen said coldly. "We are here to register the divine anomaly known as 'Whiskers.'"
"Ah."
A pause.
"…You're sure?"
The first attempt went like this:
Zhao Wen approached the shrine where Whiskers was curled like a loaf.
"Ahem," he said, loudly. "Entity Whiskers. In accordance with Heavenly Mandate 782-A, you are hereby summoned to complete Form Z-96: Divine Beast Registration."
Whiskers opened one eye.
Licked his paw.
And sneezed.
The scroll caught fire.
So did Zhao Wen's beard.
The second attempt involved stealth.
An intern tried to press a celestial registration seal onto Whiskers' back mid-nap.
The seal flew backward at the speed of causality and rewrote the intern's name to "Toasted Dumpling."
He's still in therapy.
The third attempt? A bribe.
They left grilled fish, golden blankets, a spirit fountain carved to look like a paw, and 300 scented scrolls.
Whiskers used the scrolls as a litter box.
On the fourth day, Zhao Wen snapped.
He approached Whiskers with a ten-meter-long contract, glowing with divine ink, backed by Heavenly Laws and three godly notaries.
"Sign. Your. Name," he growled.
Whiskers slowly stood.
Padded forward.
Lifted his paw—
And smacked the contract.
It shattered.
The ink fled back into the bottle.
The godly notaries passed out.
Zhao Wen fell to his knees, screaming:
"THE PAPERWORK! THE LAW! IT'S—IT'S REJECTING REALITY!"
After two days in a bamboo infirmary, Zhao Wen finally asked, weakly:
"What… is he?"
Xi-Xi chirped helpfully.
"He's my master! He trained me in silence and stare technique!"
The sect master stepped forward.
"He doesn't answer to laws. He is a law. A nap-shaped law of the universe."
Zhao Wen submitted a final scroll to Heaven:
"Request denied.
Subject impossible.
Suggest removal from divine roster until universe updates its operating system."
He left a small offering of catnip.
Whiskers used it as a pillow.
Days later, a Celestial Courier descended with a glowing scroll:
"Offer of Ascension to the Celestial Realms: Immediate Entry."
Whiskers blinked.
Yawned.
And batted it back into the sky like a fly.
The message burned into the ground:
"Too noisy up there. No fish. Too many clouds."
The Heavens whispered his name with dread.
Whiskers purred and went back to sleep.