1. ALAKARE
Title: The One Who Moves Without Arrival
Role: Bureaucrat, Perpetual File Carrier, Delay Mechanism-in-Chief
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Physical Traits:
Wears oversized agbada with ink-stains, shoes always dusty from "committee visitation." Holds a brown envelope eternally. His glasses are fogged — not from age, but from avoidance of vision.
Backstory:
Alakare began his journey during the First Republic. He has attended more conferences than budget releases. Whenever reform nears, Alakare is "on assignment."
Personality:
Avoidant but polite.
Uses "It's under review" like toothpaste.
Master of saying nothing for five paragraphs.
Symbolism:
Represents procedural bottlenecks.
He is the spirit of pending approvals, ghost of missing files.
In Yoruba, alakare is "one who carries," but in satire, he carries without delivery.
Motto:
"Mo n bo... E jọ̀wọ́, wait for due process."
("I'm on my way… please, wait for procedure.")
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2. ALASURE
Title: The Fixer Who Comes Too Late
Role: Emergency Committee Head, Aftermath Expert
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Physical Traits:
Wears a fireman's helmet with a feather, symbolic of prestige. Always carries tools: wrench, gavel, press statement. Smells of expired air freshener and panic.
Backstory:
He rose through the ranks of "Technical Committees." Famous for inspecting collapsed buildings after the collapse. Once inaugurated three boreholes that were dry from Day One.
Personality:
Dramatic, reactive, fond of press conferences.
Treats everything as urgent, after it's too late.
Believes optics matter more than outcomes.
Symbolism:
The state's obsession with post-failure responses.
Treats symptoms after ignoring diagnosis.
Yoruba "alasure" implies "one who has the means." Ironically, he never uses them in time.
Motto:
"We are on top of the situation."
(While the situation is already underneath the people.)
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3. OYOWO
Title: The Wealth that Comes with a Cost
Role: Briber, Election Fund Ghost, Disappearing Budget Spirit
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Physical Traits:
Clad in golden brocade, perfumed with imported urgency. Sometimes appears as a credit alert, other times as a vanished allocation. Always speaks in promises, never accountability.
Backstory:
Oyowo funds "empowerment." He funds "startup training." He is at every campaign flag-off but absent from every audit trail. Once donated 1,000 bags of rice — that never existed.
Personality:
Charming, flirtatious with public attention.
Avoids transparency like fire.
Speaks in numbers, but delivers in dust.
Symbolism:
Personifies weaponized wealth.
Represents the price-tag attached to every gesture.
In Yoruba, "owo" means money; Oyowo is the "cost of money"—never free, always inflated.
Motto:
"Accountability is not emotional."
(Usually said after ghost funds disappear.)