"This is a formal cease and desist. From love itself."
Miyu Tensai's voice echoed through the gymnasium like a final boss battle initiation. Students gasped. Birds fell from the sky. A volleyball exploded again for no reason.
She pointed her wooden bat — engraved with NO ROMANCE in bold kanji — directly at my face.
I blinked. "Is that an official school-issued weapon?"
"It's school-board approved," she said coolly. "And romance-certified illegal."
Lucina stepped forward, cape flaring in a wind that didn't exist. "How dare you threaten my betrothed in broad daylight."
"Step aside, goth Dracula. You're all in violation of Section 99-C of the School Code: Unlawful Cluster Flirting."
Haruka squinted. "Is that a real rule?"
Nanami ran a search. "…It is now. It was added just three minutes ago. From her personal tablet."
Sakura dropped from the ceiling silently behind Miyu. "Want me to make her disappear?"
"No." I stood up. "Let's hear her out. I'm used to being threatened with bats. I just never expected it from someone this… pretty."
Miyu froze. A faint blush threatened to betray her whole persona.
"Strike one," she said softly, gripping the bat tighter.
⚖️ Welcome to the Harem Tribunal
Twenty minutes later, I found myself seated at a long table in the Student Council Courtroom, located in the school's underground multipurpose chamber. Who knew the school had an underground?
The walls were lined with school trophies and confiscated love letters.
Above us was a banner:
HAREM TRIAL: THE PEOPLE VS. HIRO KAZUMA
Miyu sat at the judge's bench, flanked by two robotic assistant drones that glared red with judgment.
To her left: Prosecutor Kuro Renji — now not just a rival harem leader, but the prosecution's star witness.
To her right: Defense Team: My Entire Harem.
This could only go horribly wrong.
🎤 Miyu banged her gavel (which was actually the bat).
"Court is in session. Defendant: Hiro Kazuma. Charges:
Article 17: Emotional Unlicensed Distribution
Article 23: Excessive Accidental Charm
Article 42: Unauthorized Use of Blushing
And Article 666: Possession of a Harem Without Permit."
"I didn't even ask for this harem!"
"That's what they all say."
Lucina slammed her hand on the desk. "We demand trial by romantic combat."
"I'm running this courtroom. Not an otome game." Miyu narrowed her eyes. "Defense, you may call your first witness."
👩🎓 Testimony #1: Lucina Nightveil
Lucina stood tall, one leg on the desk like a pirate queen.
"I confess I was drawn to Hiro by the scent of mortal uncertainty. And because he made me a smoothie once."
"Objection," Kuro muttered. "That's not even—"
"I drank the smoothie and felt… emotions."
Miyu blinked. "…What kind?"
Lucina looked straight at me. "The forbidden kind."
I choked on air.
She bowed. "If loving him is illegal, then lock me away with him. Forever."
Kuro dropped his pen in frustration. "This isn't a romance drama!"
Miyu muttered under her breath, "…could've fooled me."
🧠 Testimony #2: Nanami.exe
Nanami walked up, her glasses glowing blue.
"I have 67 gigabytes of reasons Hiro should not be prosecuted."
Kuro sighed. "Is one of them a legal defense?"
"No. They're mostly screenshots of his face."
Everyone turned slowly to look at her.
"I have a backup drive," she added.
Lucina nodded in admiration.
Miyu raised an eyebrow. "That's… unsettlingly thorough."
Nanami smiled. "I also have a pie chart showing how often Hiro says sorry after romantic accidents. The chart is… a full circle."
The room went silent.
"Fine. Valid character evidence. Proceed."
🥋 Testimony #3: Haruka Flamekick
Haruka crashed through the wall instead of using the door.
She flexed. "Hiro once saved me from a falling vending machine. With his body."
"That's not a harem crime," Miyu muttered.
"He also helped me break into the cafeteria after hours to steal pudding."
"That is a crime," Miyu clarified.
"I do not regret it. He's my dumb, sweet, bandage-wearing idiot."
She tossed me a juice box. "Stay hydrated, hero."
I caught it. It was warm.
👑 Testimony #4: Liora Everglade
Liora, regal as ever, descended the staircase flanked by two handmaidens who had somehow also gotten into the courtroom.
"I formally decree this trial a farce."
"Overruled," Miyu deadpanned.
Liora kept going. "Hiro Kazuma is not only my chosen consort, but the only man who did not buckle when I demanded foot massages. That is character."
"Ew," muttered Kuro.
"Silence, commoner."
She produced a scroll. "Signed and sealed: if Hiro is guilty, then so am I. And I have diplomatic immunity."
Miyu squinted. "We're a high school."
"Yet here we are," Liora said, unrolling the scroll dramatically.
🥷 Testimony #5: Sakura Shino
No one saw her approach the bench.
She whispered: "Hiro once looked me in the eyes and said I matter."
A pause.
"I do not wish to kill him."
And just like that, she was gone again.
Everyone blinked.
Miyu sat back, speechless for a second. "…Noted."
⚖️ Closing Arguments
Miyu cleared her throat.
"While the defense's testimonies were—let's say—creatively deranged, the court still acknowledges the growing disorder your presence causes, Hiro."
"I didn't sign up for this," I muttered. "I just wanted to pass algebra."
"Hence," she said, slamming the bat on the desk, "I sentence you to—"
The door burst open.
👥 Surprise Witness: Rival Harem Squad B
A new squad entered.
Led by a girl in aviator goggles, chewing gum and carrying a wrestling belt.
"Kazuma's not guilty!" she shouted. "If being hot and confused is a crime, we're all going to jail!"
Miyu glared. "Who are you?"
"We're Harem Division B. Independent. Unaffiliated. Chaotic-neutral."
Another girl behind her nodded. "Also he once returned my dropped ice cream. With sprinkles intact."
Kuro groaned. "I give up."
🔔 Verdict Time
Miyu stood.
"All things considered… I sentence you, Hiro Kazuma, to…"
A pause. She looked me dead in the eye.
"Probation. Under my supervision."
Everyone gasped.
"Wait, what?" I asked.
"You'll report to me daily. Attend Anti-Romance Therapy. And keep your harem under control."
Lucina hissed. Haruka growled. Liora folded her arms in outrage. Sakura vanished again.
"And if you step out of line," Miyu added, "I'll expel you and beat you with the 'No Romance' bat. Lovingly."
"Lovingly?"
"I mean legally."
Her cheeks were pink.
✅ Trial Complete
Outcome: Probation
Relationship Status: Suspiciously Supervised
New Character: Miyu added to Harem System Database
Title Unlocked: "Legally Handsome"
As everyone filed out of the courtroom in chaos, Lucina pulled me aside.
"Darling," she whispered, "you just added your enemy to the harem."
I nodded slowly. "This is getting out of hand."
Haruka slapped my back. "Next time, let's just go to art class."
Nanami smiled. "Next court session: who gets to sit next to you at lunch?"
Sakura reappeared. "I already won."
Liora bowed slightly. "Long live the king of unintended charm."
And Miyu?
She turned away.
But not before whispering just loud enough for me to hear:
"…Strike two."