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June 4— five in the morning, wake up feeling sick. Just to read something that made my heart drop for a moment.
At school, clearly discussed having free will to create their own members within four to five members, in three groups. As a person who has a friend group in my course, I believe I am part of the five members.
At the back of my mind, "Would they actually list me among the members?" just to learn that they picked the new student that became one of our closest friends as well.
I thought I was their priority friend like the others, I do not know if I am deceived.
Knew the fact my friend group will only be four, but can they at least look at me, like;
"Hey, I am also here.." yet they would say that they've always been four in all groupings, and it depends if it says five. So, in my mind, am I just a no choice?
I may seem so desperate for friends, but isn't that obvious that if I am your friend, you're willing to take me in as a member or so, regardless if the requirement is strict. I've known them very well, like clutching tasks before the deadline and doing wild things, so why can't they do or apply those things for me?
I may seem to be overdramatic, but it makes me anxious that they do not acknowledge me as their friend, and even now and then… I was never a choice to them.
I knew, but I still hope.
I knew, but I still worry.
I knew, but I still cry.
I do not blame the person who joins the friend group because for me it is happiness.
I am tired to speak,
I am tired of crashing out.
Yes, simple groupings of course…
But in fact it has always been like this.
Oh God, how lonely it is— to be left out.
Texted this person and there— sending long messages that I hope they could take a while of their time to read. Asking optimistically if I can still join, yet one will back out in order to be five members. Now it felt like I am responsible for the change, I backed out—
Telling them how sad I am because of the result, telling them how excited I was for this time to come because I hoped to be in this group as six members.
Embracing their reasons positively, felt a white lie.
Accepting their apologies as well, I was flabbergasted they would, but unfortunately I cannot feel the sincerity among their words.
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June 4— nine in the morning, at school.
Cried, and comforted.
At the same time, I cannot cry, like cry.
From doing my make up for forty-five minutes just to be washed by tears, when my tears itself cannot come out on its own. Gatekeeping is the word.
After class— restroom was my destination, cry till I can.
Cry until I can no more.
And cried when I saw my friends about to find and comfort me, bringing snacks to lighten up my mood.
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Her long message to her friends:
I don't wanna create drama, and I know it's my fault for having other friend groups and to the point I reside there always… but I don't feel like I belong to this friend group. Am I even still part of it?
Let me know, because it has always been like this, I am just a no choice for you guys… to the point I wanna drop out from college because I ask myself if I am still happy, especially with this course. I don't blame someone who joins the group, but the four of you…
You can tell me I'm over acting, okay. I asked you before, am I still your friend? Because whenever I need you guys, you guys are not there. I know it is instructed as four to five members, but can you at least prioritize me too? Because we are friends right? If I am a friend, why can't I feel that way?
In fact, I need to be the one to approach you guys just to have a conversation that involves me too. If I am part of this friend group, why am I still the one to adjust and talk to our professor if we can be six members? Because it felt like force.
I kept this feeling for a long time, and I do not know what to do next. Why can't you guys tell me that you want me to join this group in order to become six? Because if we're friends you'll do anything for them right? So why can't you guys do it for me? Inside the circle, I am the odd one. I thought I am blessed to have you guys, but I don't feel belong—