Zeke sat on a rock throne made of semi-sentient moss, cradling his head in his hands.
Zeke: "Okay. Deep breath. I can fix this. I just need to sneak out of this cave, find a shuttle, and vanish forever."
Bitty: "Correction: You just accidentally unified five interstellar factions by declaring your hunger. They're calling it the Snack Accords."
Zeke: "...I'm going to throw up."
Alien Monk #74 approached, glowing faintly.
Alien Monk: "Oh Holy Gluttonous One, the ceremonial transport awaits."
Zeke peeked out of the cave and saw it: a neon-pink spacescooter with glitter flames, surrounded by floating cameras and at least one galaxy-wide live stream.
Bitty: "That scooter's broadcasting to 32 planets. You can't leave on that."
Zeke: "You underestimate how hard I'm willing to commit to terrible decisions."
...
Moments Later…
Zeke zipped out of the cave on the scooter at 4 mph because he couldn't figure out how to turn off "ceremonial pace mode."
Everywhere he passed, crowds gathered, knelt, and sobbed. Drones rained down holographic dumplings.
Bitty: "We're getting hails from multiple sovereign governments. One just offered you their moon."
Zeke: "Tell them to shove it. I'm done being the universe's snack messiah!"
Bitty: "You told them that live."
Zeke: "Good."
...
Meanwhile, in Orbit…
A massive diplomatic vessel hovered above the planet. Inside, leaders from warring species gathered.
Diplomat #1: "He rejected power. Truly, only the worthiest could do so."
Diplomat #2: "A selfless ruler... destined for the Galactic Crown."
AI Moderator: "By Article 404 of the Accidental Ascension Protocol, he qualifies."
...
Back on the Scooter
Zeke finally reached the edge of the jungle—freedom in sight—when an enormous hologram bloomed in the sky.
"ZEKIEL THE TASTEMASTER. BY UNIVERSAL VOTE, YOU ARE NOW EMPEROR OF THE MILKY WAY."
Zeke: scooter swerves into a bush
Bitty: "You are now Emperor. Constitutional duties begin immediately."
Zeke: "What if I abdicate?"
Bitty: "Then, by law, the next closest biological lifeform inherits the throne."
A confused squirrel waddled past.
Zeke: "...Guess I'm Emperor now."
...
At the Coronation Ceremony
Aliens chanted. Fireworks (and actual fire) lit the sky. A crown shaped like a steaming dumpling hovered over Zeke's head.
Zeke: "If I lean forward just a little, maybe it'll miss…"
Bitty: "Nope, it adjusts for user anxiety. It's heat-seeking."
The crown dropped. A universal cheer erupted.
Zeke: "Can someone please assassinate me already?"
Bitty: "Weird request for your first royal decree, but I'll log it."