You know, I've had a lot of stupid ideas in my life. Jumping into mysterious portals is in my top ten. Right next to trusting Paimon with directions and challenging a Ruin Guard to arm wrestling. So yeah, this morning's been going great.
So yeah, we walked. Again. Because apparently, climbing is illegal in this part of the world.
Yelan led the way like a murder mystery heroine on a mission. The rest of us followed—tired, curious, confused, and me? I was just mentally preparing my will. If I go down in a Domain, I better be remembered as the guy who made the monsters laugh before they killed him.
"Alright, listen up," Shinobu said, slinging her bag forward. "I've got food and water on me. If anyone needs something, let me know."
That last bit? Intentional.
Now, that's what I call music to the ears. But even better? The chaos that followed.
I turned to look at Paimon. Just… stared at her. Not saying anything. Just looked.
She frowned. "Shigeru, why are you looking at Paimon like that?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Come on. She said food."
Paimon's eyes widened like I'd just accused her of eating a god. "You idiot! Paimon's not hungry all the time!!"
"Could've fooled me," I muttered.
Everyone laughed. It was nice. Like, end-of-the-world-we're-all-stuck-here-together nice.
Yelan—who, by the way, has this aura of 'I'm hot and I know it but I'll kill you if you look too long'—moved ahead and said, "There's an entrance up ahead. Looks like a path leads inside. Wonder where it leads to…"
Classic Yelan. Always one sentence away from sounding like she's narrating a crime documentary.
"Well," she added, already halfway to the mystery portal, "let's go take a look."
I stopped in my tracks when I saw it. Big glowing circle. Definitely magic-y. Definitely ominous. Definitely going to ruin my life.
"Man…" I muttered. "Every time I see portals like this, something shitty happens."
Everyone stared at it in silence.
Paimon, brave as ever (lol), floated a bit closer. "Who would've guessed we'd find a Domain entrance in a place like this…"
Itto, being the human wrecking ball that he is, cracked his knuckles. "If there's a way in, there's a way out! Let's go take a look!"
"Bold of you to assume the way out doesn't include death," I whispered.
Yanfei walked up beside us, running her fingers along the stone. "These rocks… they're old Liyue mountain rocks. Similar to what I've seen in books. This Domain must've existed for quite some time now."
"Great," I said, nodding. "Old rocks. Exactly what I wanted today. Old rocks and trauma."
Then… a sound. Low and sharp, like something swooping in fast.
"Ah!" Paimon flailed. "Oh—it's Xiao!"
I groaned. "Right. The Anemo Emo makes his dramatic entrance."
Xiao appeared like a ghost with a vendetta. Eyes glowing. Cloak flowing. Dramatic rating: 11/10.
Yanfei spoke first. "Conqueror of Demons, what are you doing here?"
He didn't even blink. "I came down from above. I heard a noise, so I followed it here."
Paimon tilted her head. "So you're not here by accident? Wanna team up?"
Xiao gave her a stare that could probably kill a hilichurl. "I'm looking for someone."
Oop. Serious mode activated.
I blinked. Then it hit me.
Oh. Right. Yakshas' Big bro, Bosacius.
"You shouldn't be here," Xiao said darkly. "I urge you to leave as soon as possible."
And then—poof. Instant transmission. Boy vanished like a dramatic anime side character.
I sighed. "That Goku wannabe sure loves teleporting away like he just dropped a truth bomb."
Yelan narrowed her eyes at the portal. "Everyone, keep your eyes and ears peeled from here on out. We don't know what lies ahead, so we have to be ready for anything."
I saluted. "Bow Mommy is correct. Let's move forward with care. And maybe not die, yeah?"
And with that, we stepped into the unknown. Again.
Pray for us.
***
You ever just walk into a place and your entire soul screams, "NOPE"? Yeah. That's exactly what happened the moment we stepped into that Domain. One look. Just one measly, cursed, regret-inducing look—and I knew.
This place?
Was a load of Primogem-stealing bullshit.
"Floating shits. Mechanisms. Slimes. Hilichurls. I swear I saw something that looked like it came out of Jurassic Park."
I was already backing away.
"Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm out."
Just as I was about to yeet myself out of existence, I felt a yank on the back of my collar.
"Woman!" I screamed. "Spare me! Can't you see this place is weird as fuck?!"
But no. Lumine, the fearless, glowing, void-staring protagonist of this twisted reality, just dragged me forward like I was a misbehaving toddler at the mall. One glare. That's all it took.
Me? Silenced.
My survival instincts? Betrayed.
The rest of them just kept moving forward. Like they weren't about to be turned into protein shakes by angry mushrooms or something.
I sighed the sigh of the eternally doomed.
And then we were in.
Let me tell you something about Domains.
They SUCK.
Everything in there was trying to kill us. Some of them weren't even alive and were still trying to kill us. Like—what do you call a dinosaur-lizard-wyvern-wannabe? Whatever that thing was, it nearly bit Itto's horns off.
Mechanisms flipping left, doors flipping right, one hallway made me dizzy just LOOKING at it. At one point, I swear I was walking on the ceiling.
Gravity? Logic? Safety?
Gone.
Paimon was spinning in circles. Shinobu was muttering about contract laws. Yanfei looked like she was about to file a lawsuit against the architecture itself. Yelan? Still hot but now also slightly covered in explosive slime juice.
We fought slimes, hilichurls, a group of mirror-maze ruin guards, and some… bubble thing that looked like it wanted to talk to my soul.
Itto yelled, "I GOT THIS!" at least five times and got launched into a wall four of them.
I screamed. A lot.
I bled. Emotionally.
But after what felt like five years and two broken mental states later, we made it.
We cleared the domain.
I raised my arms and yelled to the heavens, "FINALLY! FREEDOM!!"
...And then we were teleported out.
Back into the light.
Fresh air. Solid ground. Hope.
But then…
"Wh-Huh?" Itto muttered.
Paimon blinked around. "Uh… how did we end up back here?"
I froze.
I knew this place.
I recognized that rock. That ugly rock that looked like a mushroom grew legs and walked into a wall.
"…Right," I said in the dead tone of a broken man. "This quest is long. I remember now."
My eye twitched.
The wind whistled.
I whispered, "Kill me now."
Itto looked around. "So… we've been here already?"
Shinobu, now slightly more pissed than usual, nodded. "Yes. This is exactly where we started."
Itto frowned. "But we couldn't have taken a wrong turn. We were headed in the same direction the whole time. We never turned around!"
He turned to Lumine. "We were going the right way… right?"
Lumine, sweet, terrifying Lumine, nodded. "Yes. I thought we were headed in the right direction."
I raised my hand like I was back in class. "So uh… what's the plan now? Hang ourselves here and meet again in the next life?"
SMACK.
"OW!"
Lumine bonked me on the head.
"You're not helping."
"I WASN'T TRYING TO!"
So now we're standing in the same exact cursed, anxiety-inducing, spiral-of-doom area we started in. We've gone in a circle. A big, cosmic joke of a loop.
My legs hurt. My brain hurts. My soul left three fights ago and hasn't texted back.
I looked up at the sky, or the cave ceiling pretending to be the sky, and whispered, "I just wanted to find treasure. Or like, one chest with something better than a cabbage."
Instead, I'm trapped in Groundhog Day with a bunch of battle addicts and a flying emergency snack.
We're not okay.
None of us are okay.
But we press on… because apparently, we have to.
Pray for me.
Again.
Well anyways, forget about the spilled milk.
You ever have one of those moments where your life flashes before your eyes and all you see is a series of bad decisions? Yeah. Me too. Right now. This is it. This is how I go. Stuck in some endless domain loop with floating rocks, slimes, hilichurls, and Itto.
The deadliest combination.
We were all standing there, just... contemplating existence. No one said it out loud, but we were all thinking it:
We. Are. So. Screwed.
That's when Itto, our glorious himbo, the beefy braincell of the group (because there is only one and it's on loan), suddenly went:
"You know, this reminds me of a legend back in Inazuma. About this merchant who kept circling the same spot because he got tricked by a bake-danuki."
He looked around like he just cracked the code of the universe.
I blinked. "Are you telling me we're being punk'd by a raccoon?"
"Fear not!" Itto puffed his chest with pride. "Because I, Arataki Itto, happen to have a certain sidekick who's an expert in dealing with youkai, spirits, and all that spooky stuff!"
I was already regretting being born.
Paimon hovered, one eyebrow raised. "Unbelievable. An oni who's friends with an exorcist? What an open-minded guy."
Shinobu didn't even look up from adjusting her gauntlet. "For the boss, ignorance is a virtue."
Oof.
Then came the grand summoning.
"Alright! Time to bring out the big guns!" Itto clapped his hands and yelled into the void, "You're up, Ushi! Go get that spirit!"
BAM. Out of the aether, this majestic chunk of beef with horns appeared.
I swear to Celestia, I saw stars. Not because I was knocked out, but because Ushi did a FLIP.
Like, a FLIP.
"HEH," I said, hand on my heart. "He's so damn cool in person."
Itto grinned, holding out an arm like a proud dad. "This! Is Ushi! Auxiliary member of the Arataki Gang!"
Ushi mooed. Then nodded. Then mooed again.
"HaHA! Oh, Ushi says hello everyone!" Itto translated with full confidence. "You can just call him Ushi or Beefcake. He's got a keen sense of direction, so I'm putting him in charge! Lead the way, buddy!"
I bowed. "Beefcake, please deliver us from evil."
So we all watched as Ushi trotted off like he owned the place.
Dramatic pause.
We waited.
He came back.
Mooed.
Itto squinted. "Huh? What's that... Really!? Aw, no way."
He turned to us, scratching his head. "Ushi says he searched everywhere. There's no exit."
Cue the collective silence.
Somewhere, a slime exploded out of pure despair.
"It doesn't add up!" Itto protested. "If we were able to come in, there's gotta be a way to get out! Maybe Ushi missed a crack or a—wait, lemme take another look myself!"
Before he could charge off like a man without a map, Yanfei held up a hand.
"Has anyone else noticed this?" she asked, eyes narrowed in full lawyer mode. "We thought we fell here from above. At the time, there was an exit high up… But now, it's gone."
Gone.
Disappeared.
Poofed into the abyss like my patience.
I burst out laughing. The type of laugh that's like a balloon deflating in slow motion.
"Yep. We're so over."
__________________________
End of Chapter 76
Quests Completed:
*Escape the God-Forsaken Domain (Psych! You Thought!)
*Survive floating mechanisms, slimes, hilichurls, dinosaurs, and emotional trauma
*Trust Ushi with your life
*Discover you're in a cursed loop and cry internally
Sub Quest:
*Call Xiao an Anemo Emo (to his face)
Rewards:
*+1 Emotional Damage Resistance (I'm so dine)
*+500 Friendship XP with Itto (forcefully)
*+300 Sarcastic Points with Lumine (she smacked you but secretly appreciates you)
*+1 Mooing Buff (temporary, Ushi-themed)
*+0 Exits Found
*+100 Paimon Insults
*New Title Unlocked: "The Guy Who's So Done, He's Ascended"