You know that feeling when you're staring at a dark, creepy hole in the earth and you're thinking, "Wow, maybe today I'll finally get eaten by something and never come back?" Yeah. That's me. Again.
The Chasm.
Why are we here again? Oh right—plot.
"Well, this place is really creepy just as Paimon remembers it," says Paimon in her usual chipper-yet-totally-unhelpful way. "If it wasn't for our little investigation, Paimon wouldn't ever come anywhere near this place."
"Let's continue and see what will try to kill us this time," I mutter, dead inside.
Lumine glares at me like I just committed a war crime. "Why are you talking like we'll get killed by something this time?"
"Because we probably will be," I reply with a flat stare. I've seen this show before. And we're the main characters. We have protagonist syndrome. Something always goes horribly wrong.
And just like clockwork, we run into someone.
"Oh? Shigeru, Lumine, and Paimon? I didn't expect to see you three here," says a very familiar, very pink-haired lawyer lady. Yanfei.
"Because we're not supposed to be here in the first place," I grumble.
Paimon tilts her head. "You're here as well, Yanfei? Shouldn't you be at work in Liyue Harbor? What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere?"
Yanfei adjusts her hat like a totally normal person who is definitely not hiding from someone. "Well, to be perfectly honest, this case is a little out of the ordinary... In fact, this is the first time I've ever witnessed the bottom of the Chasm—Oh! Before I forget! Could you do me a favor, please? If anyone happens to ask about me or my present whereabouts, just tell them you haven't seen me!"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure thing, Ms. Cutesy Lawyer," I say with a wave of my hand.
She bows. Literally bows. Like we're not in a place filled with cursed rock and the ghost of my dignity. "Thanks! See you later!"
And there she goes. Probably sprinting from someone who's into aggressive legal counseling.
"Should we go now?" Lumine asks, clearly over it.
We nod and begin moving forward when—
"HEY! You over there! Yeah, YOU!"
Paimon floats closer to me. "That voice sounds pretty familiar..."
And then, like destiny, like fate, like the world wanted two idiots to unite—
We see him.
"COMPADRE!" we both shout.
Arataki Itto. The Himbo Supreme.
We high-five like long-lost brothers who share one brain cell split in two.
"Finally! I found someone who can die with me with the same amount of braincell!" I cheer.
"Yeah!—Wait... what?" Itto blinks.
"Nothing! Totally nothing! You misheard that!"
He shrugs. "So uh, what are you three doing in a place like this, huh? Wait, don't tell me... you're on a vacation!"
We all deadpan so hard it hurts.
"Who would vacation here?" I ask. "I'm definitely one braincell ahead of you."
"Makes sense," he nods proudly. "But I must say, you two are lookin' pretty good—"
Lumine looks like she's two seconds from punching him. "Do we look like we're doing good?"
Itto squints. We look like sleep-deprived noodles dipped in existential dread.
"Riiight... anyway, have you seen a pink-haired legal... uh, mage lady? Wears goofy hat, knows everything, kinda short."
"You mean Ms. Cutesy Lawyer? She said not to tell you where she's going but she went that way," I say while pointing.
Paimon facepalms. Lumine smacks me in the head.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"
"You literally did the one thing she told us not to do!"
"Well I didn't pinky promise! That's like, lawyer loophole 101."
Shinobu walks in like a storm cloud wrapped in judgment. "I see you're experiencing the same thing, huh?"
Paimon and Lumine both sigh in stereo. "You said it."
"Don't worry," Shinobu assures us. "We don't have any ill intentions."
"So uh, you guys know Yanfei?" Paimon asks.
Itto rubs the back of his neck. "Well, she kinda saved my life. So yeah. You could say we've met."
"She saved your life?!" Paimon blinks.
And so, the Itto Lore Dump begins.
Sakoku Decree lifted. Shinobu wanted her graduation certificate. Itto tagged along because, quote, "it's safer," which honestly feels like saying walking into a thunderstorm with a metal rod is safe.
Turns out Booba Archon ruined Shinobu's plans by being all closed-nation-policy, so she couldn't get her stuff.
Also turns out Itto got tangled up with the Millelith because... well, he's Itto. And Yanfei bailed them out.
"Yep! If it wasn't for her, our trip to Liyue would've ended with me in the slammer, hehe. So, you know, I just wanted to do something nice to show my heartfelt gratitude."
"Wait, you almost got arrested?" I laugh. "Pfft. Amateur. I was never caught back when we were wanted in Liyue."
SMACK. Another hit from Lumine.
"That's NOT something to be proud of!"
"Then why do I feel so cool!?"
"Because you're an idiot."
Fair.
"Anyways!" Itto saves me from further assault. "She said she didn't need my help with anything, but I thought she might run into trouble. So, I followed her here... just in case she needs me to come leaping to her rescue!"
"Well, she was definitely running away from trouble," I nod.
"WHAT?! What is that trouble?! Where is it?!"
I point directly at him. "You."
Itto blinks. "Oh..."
"Anyway," he says, completely ignoring the insult. "I'm still gonna help her. Catch you later!"
He and Shinobu run in the direction I pointed earlier.
"Wait! We'll go with you guys!" I shout.
Because let's be honest—if there's one thing better than being stuck in a cursed hole with death traps everywhere, it's being stuck in a cursed hole with idiots I actually like.
And just like that, our party of three becomes a disaster squad of five.
May the Archons have mercy on us all.
***
You know what they say—when you think you're about to die in the Chasm, just smile through it and act like the ground isn't literally whispering, "Come down here and meet your maker."
So there we were—me, Lumine, Paimon, Itto, Shinobu—right under the Chasm Nail. Ominous as ever. Like it's been sponsored by trauma. One step closer and BAM!
"Yo! Ms. Cutesy Lawyer!" I called out, raising my hand like I'm greeting my crush who also lowkey might sue me.
And lo and behold—Yanfei, our favorite adorable pink-haired legal consultant, stands there looking at us with that typical mix of surprise, disapproval, and why am I cursed to know you people energy.
"Oh. It's you guys again… Wait…" Her gaze shifted. "Why are you with them?!"
Oh boy. Here it comes.
I scratched the back of my head like the unreliable idiot I am, offering a sheepish grin that basically said don't kill me I'm cute. "I kiiinda accidentally pointed them in this direction. You know, classic me."
Yanfei deadpans. The aura of pure disappointment radiates harder than Zhongli's burst.
"You're really unreliable at some things, aren't you?"
"Ain't gonna argue on that one." I raised both hands in surrender. Guilty as charged, your honor.
Lumine and Paimon bowed their heads in the most synchronized apology I've ever seen.
"Sorry for the idiocy our number one idiot has caused," they said in unison.
I raise a brow. "You make it sound like I'm a national embarrassment."
"You are."
Fair.
I cleared my throat, acting all casual like I wasn't dying inside. "Right. You're investigating something, yeah? Something about a will? Retrieving lost stuff? Y'know, like a legally approved treasure hunt?"
Yanfei nodded and launched into her explanation. Something about a will written down in an old tome, possibly left behind by someone important, and how she's here to recover it. Very serious. Very plot-relevant.
But then—
She paused mid-sentence and looked up.
"I thought I'd find you here."
My brain didn't register that as ominous.
My heart, however? It exploded like an overcooked Sweet Madame.
I followed her gaze—and oh sweet Archons above. There she was.
She landed like a goddess doing parkour. Her silhouette dramatic. Her aura deadly. And I—Shigeru, your local certified idiot—felt my knees wobble.
"The Bow Mommy has come..." I whispered.
Lumine blinked. "What happened to you—wait. Who is that...?"
I saluted like a guy who just found a five-star character in real life. "Lumine, Paimon, Itto, Shinobu—brace yourselves. That, my friends, is Yelan. Hydro-fed heartthrob. The queen of my browser history. The CEO of my dreams. The mother of my intrusive thoughts. And possibly the woman who's gonna end me, and I'd thank her for it."
Yelan, being Yelan, casually somersaulted into the scene like a boss.
"Whatever case you're working on with the Chasm," she said, cool as ice, "I'm sure Liyue's top legal consultant can handle it without my input."
Yanfei crossed her arms, unimpressed. "Huh, that's funny. I thought we established that my legal opinion doesn't count for anything when you're around."
Cold. Ice cold. I was watching a legal drama live.
Then Itto nudged me. "Compadre... is she dangerous?"
I leaned close, whispering. "Yeah. Dangerously sexy."
That's when Yelan's eyes locked onto mine. Sweet Celestia, her gaze was like a bow aimed at my soul.
She walked toward me. I wanted to run. I also wanted to stay. I wanted to do both. At the same time.
Being taller than her didn't help. She tiptoed, grabbed me by the collar.
"Seems like you know me."
My voice cracked like a Sumeru desk under Alhaitham's books. "Y-yeah... I do."
Brain: MALFUNCTIONING. PLEASE RESTART SYSTEM.
Yelan gave a smirk that could melt cryo slimes.
"Good. I'll put you to good use."
Me: "Yes, mommy."
My inner voice: I hope she violates me. I would love that.
"And you are?" Yelan looked over at the others.
Cue Itto doing a whole kabuki pose. "I'm the One and Oni, Arataki Itto! And this here's Shinobu, my right-hand genius! And those two are my compadres—Lumine and Mr. Collar-Grabbing over there."
Shinobu sighed. "Please stop introducing yourself like that."
"Hey, don't act like I didn't just drop a masterpiece of an introduction," I huffed, brushing imaginary dust off my shoulder. "You gotta set the tone when you're introducing the Yelan. That wasn't a simp monologue—that was poetry."
Paimon puffed her cheeks. "What about Paimon?! You didn't say anything cool about Paimon!"
Before I could say anything, Yelan chuckled, soft but sharp like a dagger dipped in sugar.
"Don't worry," she said smoothly, crossing her arms. "I already know all about you, Shigeru, Lumine, and Paimon."
Paimon blinked. "Wait, really? Even Paimon?!"
Yelan just smiled. That scary, mysterious smile that made me want to scream and marry her at the same time.
"Of course. You're quite... unforgettable."
While everyone was chatting, Yanfei suddenly went full seismo-mode.
"Is the ground… shaking?"
Oh no. Not again.
I forced a deadman's smile. "Riiight... Time to plunge into hell..."
Cue: ACTUAL PLUNGING.
The ground rumbled. Then split. Then collapsed. Then our entire squad got yeeted into the earth like bad decisions in a legal contract.
"I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME BACK TO THIS PLACE!!!!" I screamed, flailing like a dehydrated pigeon.
Itto yelled too. Actually, it was more like a dramatic opera.
Lumine had the grace of a falling leaf. Shinobu was calculating mid-air trajectories. Paimon was yelling something about wanting a refund from life.
Me? I was mid-freakout.
Goodbye dignity. Goodbye brain cells. Goodbye bow mommy I barely got to simp for. And goodbye to you too, Nilou. Our brief, beautiful moment shall live forever in the corner of my heart labeled: 'Missed Opportunities and Perfect Hair.'
Crash landing.
Pain.
Darkness.
And somewhere in the distance…
Yelan: "You okay down there, collar boy?"
Me, flat on a rock, dazed: "I would say yes... but my back just signed a resignation letter."
Yelan held out a hand in front of me, palm up, calm as ever.
"Come. Up you go."
I blinked. My brain was still buffering from the face-to-ground slam I just did five seconds ago, and now Bow Mommy is out here doing emotional CPR with a single gesture? The audacity. The power. The romance potential.
My hand twitched. Was this a trap? A trick? A plot twist? I mean, who just helps people without a 50-page contract in Liyue?
But I grabbed her hand anyway, obviously.
Because who says no to Yelan? Not me. Not ever. Even if she was pulling me up just to throw me back down again. Worth it.
Meanwhile, everyone else was busy doing the post-fall groan-fest.
Itto: "Ugh, gonna feel that in the morning... Hey, Shinobu, Lumine, Shigeru... and my savior! Is everyone okay?!"
Shinobu: sighs deeply like a single mother of four delinquent children "Well, this is an unfortunate turn of events."
Me: "In terms of being okay, we are far from being okay. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Existentially."
I stood up and looked around. Dark cavern. Creepy glows. A fog that smelled suspiciously like bad decisions.
Paimon floated up, her eyes wide. "Wh-where are we...?"
I looked at her and said, with the full gravity of a man who's lived through chaos and dumplings:
"That's a damn good question, Emergency Food. But guess what?"
I dramatically pointed upwards to nothingness.
"We're still stuck in the Chasm. The emotional, psychological, and geological kind."
Cue the horror music. Or a kazoo. Both work.
Lumine did her usual silent scan, looking around with that protagonist face that says, "I'm already solving this but I won't tell you yet."
Yelan was already on her feet, brushing off invisible dust like gravity personally offended her. Yanfei, meanwhile, was stretching like she just came back from yoga hell.
"Hey, so uh..." Paimon said, looking up and spinning around. "How far down did we fall?"
Yelan and Yanfei exchanged looks, then walked forward to stare upward.
Yanfei squinted. "We seem to be a long way down from where we fell. It's impossible to see what's going on up above."
Yelan folded her arms. Her voice was calm, but you could hear the subtle note of irritation underneath, like she was ready to throw hands at gravity itself.
"It's unlikely we'll be able to climb back up that far. We'll need to find another way."
I casually strolled over, cracking my neck like I was about to say something wise.
"You know what," I began, gesturing vaguely at the darkness like a philosophical gremlin, "I've been here before."
Yelan raised a brow. "Oh?"
"Well—not physically," I clarified, waving my hands. "More like... mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Look, I can't explain it properly, but trust me when I say—this place? It's not your average death pit."
Everyone stared.
I cleared my throat and added, solemnly, "Let me give you some advice. We're in for a whole lot of trouble."
Yelan narrowed her eyes, voice like a blade wrapped in silk. "And how exactly can I trust you?"
I smiled. Tired. Soft. A little stupid, a little sincere. "You don't need to, Bow Mommy. But I swear—just keep it to heart. It won't hurt you to be extra careful."
I turned and walked back to the squad. Lumine, Paimon, Itto, Shinobu. My beautiful disaster companions.
I threw a casual hand behind me. "There's no way up. Let's find another way back. Just follow me. And pray I don't lead you into a doom pit. Again."
_____________________
End of Chapter 75
Quests Completed:
*Track down Liyue's pink-haired legal queen without being served a restraining order.
*Reunite with your Oni bro and her cute 2nd in command.
*Survive seeing your intrusive thoughts personified. (Mommy Yelan)
*Make everyone uncomfortable with your honest horniness.
*Be in the wrong place at the wrong time with full party wipe.
*Fall off a cliff dramatically while Itto sings opera in panic.
*Wake up in the depths of The Chasm (Again)
*Say cryptic things about the Chasm so people will follow you.
Rewards:
*+200 Friendship EXP everyone (Mixed Reactions)
*+1 Yelan Simp Token
*+1 Brain Cell (Temporarily Loaned. Expires upon next poor decision.)
*+5 Unnecessary Dramatic Poses
*+1 Title: "The Guy Who Falls into Holes and Still Has Opinions"
*+1 Future Plot Relevance Key Item: "Weird Chasm Knowledge"
Achievement:
"I'd Let Her Arrest Me"
-You've simped so aggressively for Yelan that even Paimon gave you the side-eye and Yanfei almost pulled out legal documents. (+50% Chance to accidentally say "Step on me" in critical moments)