Rei just wanted a roommate who didn't carry weapons in their pajamas.
Unfortunately, the universe had filed that request under "HAHA, NO."
Royal Magic Academy — Headmaster's Office
Rei sat nervously across from the Headmaster's desk, sipping chamomile tea with both hands like it might ward off the chaos. Across from him, the Headmaster—an aging archmage known for surviving six magical wars and three administrative audits—looked like a man facing his final boss.
"I've reviewed your housing application, Lord Rei," the Headmaster said, eyes twitching. "Normally, new students are assigned a random roommate. However, your situation is… unique."
Rei tried to smile. "I prefer the term cursed."
A knock echoed through the chamber.
"Enter," the Headmaster sighed.
A secretary stumbled in, pale and sweating, carrying a stack of glowing parchment that pulsed ominously like they were written in blood. Probably because they were.
"We… we've received five requests."
"Five?" Rei asked, already getting that bad feeling.
The secretary nodded. "All requesting to be Lord Rei's… exclusive dormmate."
The Headmaster stood up, backed away from the desk, and whispered, "Oh gods, they've started."
[System Notification: Incoming Chaos Detected.]
[Five Applications Submitted for Dormitory Co-Habitation Rights.]
[WARNING: All applicants have yandere tendencies exceeding recommended limits.]
[Suggested Action: Flee. Preferably off-plane.]
Application #1: Princess Seraphina Nightgale
Filed in glittering holy ink, scented with roses and threats
Reason for Request: "As the first to kiss his soul (Chapter 4, see footnotes), I claim divine priority."
Claimed Skillset: Laundry miracles, heavenly lullabies, divine smiting of unworthy roommates.
Additional Notes: Attached a legally-binding celestial marriage license. Dated tomorrow.
Application #2: Drakana Flamescale
Written on a charred slab of obsidian
Reason for Request: "I require proximity to my mate. And my mating pillow. And my backup mating pillow."
Claimed Skillset: Fireproofing, bed-warming, duel deterrence via spontaneous combustion.
Additional Notes: Threatened to roast competing applicants like marshmallows.
Application #3: Lilia of the Crimson Faith
Written in red ink. Probably ink.
Reason for Request: "Proximity enhances daily worship. I will not be far from my god husband. Not again."
Claimed Skillset: Emotional support, scripture chanting, knife throwing (minor skill).
Additional Notes: Included five hymns dedicated to Rei's smile.
Application #4: Rosette the Silent
Delivered via enchanted crow. No return address.
Reason for Request: (Blank)
Claimed Skillset: (Filed as "everything")
Additional Notes: Parchment contained micro-runes. Analysis revealed spyware and a tracker rune. Paper burst into flames after 5 seconds.
Application #5: Velveria Von Thornheart
Written on perfume-soaked paper laced with subtle poison
Reason for Request: "I must observe his nightly habits to better protect him."
Claimed Skillset: Ward maintenance, hex prevention, 'restraint techniques.'
Additional Notes: Doodled a picture of Rei chained to a bed labeled "SAFE ZONE."
The Headmaster collapsed into his chair like a man hit by a dragon.
"I'm too old for this," he muttered.
Rei stared at the ceiling. "Can I request a roommate who's not a yandere?"
The Headmaster barked a laugh. "My boy, in this school? You're lucky they're students."
[System Notification: New Title Unlocked — "Dormitory Disaster Catalyst"]
[Bonus Perk: Your bed now has reinforced anti-snuggle wards.]
[They will fail immediately.]
Later That Day – School Courtyard
Rei tried to blend in among the normal students. He wore a cloak, sunglasses, and a fake mustache enchanted to sprout twirling ends when nervous.
It was not enough.
A bell rang from the Academy Tower.
A magical megaphone crackled. "Attention students! The Great Roommate Debate will commence in the central arena in ten minutes. Bring popcorn and shields."
Rei froze. "What—what debate?"
He didn't have to wait long.
The Arena – 10 Minutes Later
It looked like a gladiator pit. Magical spotlights swirled. A floating announcer orb blinked excitedly.
"Welcome to today's featured bloodbath—uh, we mean debate!"
Five women entered from opposite sides of the arena.
Each wore customized academy uniforms tailored to their unique brands of obsession.
Seraphina in shining white and gold, wielding a ceremonial staff with Rei's initials carved into it.
Drakana in crimson leather with lava-thread embroidery.
Lilia in full religious garb, carrying a banner that read "COHABITATION = CONSECRATION."
Rosette appeared without sound or warning, already standing in the center with a pillow labeled "Spy-Chan Mk II."
Velveria arrived via portal, riding a cursed throne that bled from the legs.
The crowd roared.
The Headmaster could be seen discreetly boarding a griffin in the background.
"Start the arguments!" the announcer declared.
Round One
Seraphina stepped forward.
"I offer peace, healing, divine protection, and breakfast in bed. Also, I smell like roses and Rei kissed me first."
Drakana snorted, shooting a gout of flame into the sky. "He shares my soul. My pillow still smells like him from three weeks ago."
Lilia pulled out a scroll. "Article 7 of the Gospel of Rei states: 'Thou shalt not let other women near thy blanket.'"
Rosette just stared, dead-eyed, at the other four.
They flinched.
Velveria sighed melodramatically. "I, unlike the rest of you, actually know how to use a sleeping hex. He'll choose me willingly. Eventually."
Round Two
Each girl unveiled a miniature model of what their dorm room would look like if Rei chose them.
Seraphina's featured golden drapes, heart-shaped beds, and constant ambient harp music.
Drakana's had lava flooring, dragon-scale quilts, and a sparring pit for "pillow fights."
Lilia's was a shrine. Just a shrine. With one large bed surrounded by candles and portraits of Rei's face.
Rosette's was a sterile surveillance room with a single cot and a hundred runes blinking [REI STATUS: ALIVE].
Velveria's looked like a dungeon. Because it was a dungeon. But with very fluffy handcuffs.
Rei stared, slack-jawed.
[System Suggestion: Consider a cave in the woods.]
[New Location Unlocked: "Runaway Bachelor Hideout" — Travel Cost: One sanity.]
Final Round
Suddenly, the announcer orb flashed red.
"Oh ho! The debate has entered the bonus round: Sudden Death Overtime! The girls must now answer the following question—"
The orb paused for effect.
"WHAT IS REI'S FAVORITE FLAVOR OF TEA?"
The crowd gasped.
Rei blinked. "I… I've never said—"
"PEPPERMINT!" all five shouted at once.
They paused.
Then turned to glare at one another.
Rosette pulled out a teacup filled with it.
Drakana threw a fireball.
The arena exploded.
Three Hours Later – Ruins of the Arena
Smoke curled into the sky.
The dorm request forms lay in ash.
The Headmaster was last seen riding his griffin toward retirement in a different country.
Rei sat on a scorched bench with soot in his ears and a tea bag stuck to his shirt.
Seraphina sat beside him. "You'll choose me eventually."
"No, me," Drakana said, her arm draped over his back.
Lilia was polishing a framed marriage license.
Rosette sipped tea in perfect silence.
Velveria licked the ash off a spoon. "This was a productive day."
[System Update:]
Roommate Assignment: REJECTED
Reason: You are a shared liability.
Solution: New Room Created — Rei's Panic Room (Location: Sub-basement, Vault 7)
Perks: Anti-woman barrier (will fail in 6 hours)
Sanity Recovery Rate: +1 per hour (decreases with cuddling proximity)
To be continued…
Damage: 1 Arena, 1 Administrative System, 1 Headmaster's Career
New Title Unlocked: "Bachelor in the Crossfire"
System Note: Enjoy your temporary peace. Emphasis on 'temporary.'