Rei just wanted a quiet lunch.
A sandwich. Some water. Maybe five minutes without a magical explosion, flaming death threat, or the phrase "eternal soul-bond" being whispered into his ear by a girl holding a dagger.
Too much to ask?
Apparently, yes.
Because the very moment he sat down beneath the shade of a willow tree in the Academy courtyard—peaceful, serene, and most importantly, yandere-free—he heard the voice of doom.
"YOU! NORMAL GIRL!"
There was only one person that could spit the word normal like it was a racial slur.
Drakana, daughter of the Dragon King, emotionally unstable battle maniac, and proud member of Rei's accidental five-wife apocalypse harem.
The grass around her smoldered with raw mana. Her obsidian battle armor clanked with every step. Students cleared a fifty-foot radius, retreating behind enchanted shields, protective barriers, or in the case of one poor janitor, a trash bin.
Rei choked on his sandwich.
Emilia blinked. The cinnamon-haired girl had been quietly sipping tea beside Rei, her expression as pure and serene as a nun petting kittens. She turned toward the smoking crater of feminine wrath.
"Oh?" she said. "Can I help you?"
The temperature dropped five degrees.
A wind howled ominously through the courtyard.
From the sky, a passing eagle swerved, burst into flames, and exploded.
Rei sighed.
The System chimed sweetly.
[System Alert: Yandere Instability Level = 97%.]
[Trigger Phrase Detected: "Normal Girl." Initiating Apocalypse Protocol.]
[Recommended Action: Play dead. Very dead.]
Drakana's emerald eyes glowed like twin furnaces. Her wings unfurled with a snap, casting a looming shadow over the entire courtyard.
"You dare sit beside my husband? You dare speak to him with your mortal breath? You dare... exist?!"
"Uh," Rei tried, "technically the seating is public—"
"THIS IS DRAGON DUEL TERRITORY NOW!" Drakana roared, drawing her obsidian greatsword from a summoning glyph in the air. Lightning cracked. Students screamed. A squirrel caught fire.
"I, Drakana Flameheart Bloodfang Deathkiss the Ninth," she intoned, "challenge you, suspiciously balanced girl Emilia, to a battle of honor!"
"...I'm sorry, what?" Emilia blinked.
"A Dragon Duel! One-on-one combat, to the pain, fire, or mild spiritual trauma!" Drakana snapped, swinging her sword dramatically. "Only one of us shall walk away with Rei's hand in marriage!"
Rei raised his hand. "Uh, Drakana. You already have my—"
"I WANT TO WALK AWAY WITH IT AGAIN!!"
[System Notification: Affection Point Bonus Triggered — Drakana is now 312% in love with you.]
[Warning: This exceeds recommended emotional saturation levels. Please consult a therapist, exorcist, or licensed wizard.]
The courtyard fell silent.
Everyone turned to Emilia.
She gently placed her teacup down, folded her hands in her lap, and gave the dragon girl a gentle smile.
"Thank you for your impassioned declaration," she said politely. "But I must decline."
Rei blinked.
Drakana blinked harder.
"…What?"
"I'm not really interested in fighting," Emilia said cheerfully. "I find violence to be a poor tool for resolving complex interpersonal dynamics. Perhaps we could… talk instead?"
"You—what—talk?!" Drakana sputtered, swaying slightly like someone who had just been hit with a mallet made of logic. "But—but that's not how we solve things around here!"
"Oh, I know," Emilia said with a nod. "It's just that I've observed your collective behavior, and I thought perhaps someone should try… not being insane."
The silence was so absolute, Rei was sure even the wind forgot how to blow.
[System Alert: Rare Event Triggered — "Use of Logic in a Yandere Zone"]
[Calculating probability of survival… Error. Logic not found.]
"I—I—I trained for two hundred years to duel rivals to the death over a man!" Drakana gasped, clutching her chest like she'd been stabbed. "And now you're—what?! Suggesting we talk?!"
"Yes. It's very healthy. Would you like a cookie?"
She offered a small, neatly-wrapped bag from her satchel.
Rei squinted. It was… a normal cookie. Not shaped like a heart. Not enchanted. Not bleeding.
Normal.
The entire courtyard leaned forward, captivated.
Drakana took a single step forward, reached for the cookie… and collapsed.
Face-first.
Fainting into a puff of dragon sparkles.
[System Alert: Dragon Girl has entered "Cognitive Dissonance Overload" status.]
[Status Effect: Temporary Shutdown. Duration: 6–8 hours, or until someone uses the word "honor."]
Everyone stared.
Even the birds stopped chirping.
Rosette poked her head out from a nearby bush, eyes narrowing.
Seraphina stepped out from a tower window, her holy spear already crackling.
Lilia emerged from a second-floor ceiling tile, chanting prayers in the name of "The One True Husband."
Vivienne floated upside-down from a tree, sipping from a wine glass that wasn't wine.
All five wives had witnessed the duel.
No blood.
No murder.
Just a girl using words.
[System Alert: You have unlocked a Forbidden Technique: "Basic Social Skills."]
[Effect: Causes confusion, awe, and mild aneurysms in possessive love interests.]
Rei stood.
He looked at Emilia, then at the unconscious dragon girl, then back at the sky, where magical storm clouds were already forming the words TRIAL BY EMOTION in gothic script.
"Emilia," he said carefully, "I don't know where you're from, or what kind of peaceful utopia trained you to handle situations like this with grace and sanity—but you've just broken the unspoken rules of this universe."
Emilia tilted her head. "I just thought maybe being… nice… might help?"
"Sweet summer child," Rei whispered. "They're going to burn the world for that sentence."
And somewhere, from the magical announcement system of the Academy, the morning broadcast chirped cheerfully.
"Attention students! Reminder that public duels must be cleared with the Headmaster. All volcano-class magical eruptions should be contained to Zone C. And please do not summon eldritch entities before noon."
Behind the speakers, the sound of the Headmaster weeping could be heard.
Emilia smiled again. "Well, I hope Drakana recovers soon. I was hoping to ask her about dragon culture."
"Do not speak of peace to the berserker lizard," Rei muttered. "She once bit a hydra in half for calling me cute."
"…Oh."
[System Mission Updated: Survive Until Dinner Without Triggering a Bloodbath (0/1)]
[Bonus Objective: Prevent Further Mental Collapses — Reward: One (1) Sane Conversation]
Rei sighed and rubbed his temples. Around him, the five factions were already regrouping. Whispered spells, scribbled assassination plans, and passive-aggressive declarations of war floated through the air like pollen in spring.
The chaos would escalate.
Of course it would.
Because this was the Noble Academy of Madness.
And now… there was a new player.
A girl with normal cookies, functional reasoning skills…
…and an affection score rising at a dangerous rate.
[System Alert: Target Emilia affection score = 43%.]
[Yandere Response Threshold = 40%. Catastrophe Imminent.]
[Launching Emergency Protocol: Operation "Save the Cinnamon Bun"]
"Rei," Emilia asked gently, "would you like to have tea again after classes today?"
Rei didn't even get a chance to respond.
Because every window, bush, locker, and nearby statue exploded with angry yandere energy as five girls simultaneously yelled:
"NO."
To be continued…