The sun rose over the Royal Magic Academy with a calm serenity that was, quite frankly, false advertising.
Birds chirped. The fountains glistened. A professor was being dragged into a bush by sentient vines because he accidentally failed one of Lilia's cultists. Typical Monday.
Rei stepped onto campus with the thousand-yard stare of a man who had not slept in two nights.
He adjusted his satchel, nodded politely to the group of girls dueling behind the school statue with enchanted rulers, and muttered, "Maybe today will be normal."
The [System] immediately disagreed.
[Daily Luck Roll: 2/100]
[System Remark: Hahahahahahaha.]
[Prediction: You will not survive the next twelve hours with pants intact.]
"...I hate everything about my life," Rei said as he stepped into the courtyard.
The moment he did, a magical explosion sounded by the riverbank. A stream of glittery smoke rose into the air like a signal flare—no, like a declaration of war.
Students began whispering and gathering.
Rei turned toward the noise. His [Danger Radar] began to blare internally like a fire alarm in a perfume factory.
"Rei!" came Emilia's voice.
He blinked—and then blinked again.
There she stood, drenched head to toe, her hair clinging to her face like ribbons of silk. Her normally neat uniform was nowhere in sight. Instead, she was wearing…
…his shirt.
His shirt.
The long-sleeved, faintly cologne-scented, monogrammed Duke-class silk shirt that had been in his laundry pile. It clung to her petite form like an accidental wedding proposal.
Rei's mouth opened.
His survival instincts kicked in.
He turned to run.
Too late.
A shiver ran down his spine as five distinct magical signatures suddenly locked onto him like hungry wolves spotting an unchaperoned lamb chop.
From the east, a bloodthirsty aura laced with lightning.
From the west, holy incantations in a language the [System] identified as "Obsessive Latin."
From above, dragon heat and murder intent.
From the nearby rosebush, a mechanical blink—Rosette.
And from the shadows, an innocent voice: "Ara~?"
Rei slowly turned back toward Emilia.
"I... I tripped in the river," she said sheepishly. "And then Rosette kindly offered me your shirt! Isn't she sweet?"
Rei's eyes widened in pure horror.
Rosette.
Sweet, silent, secretly sociopathic Rosette.
He knew.
He knew.
This was no accident. This was strategy.
[System Analysis: Stealth Project 'Operation Shirt Drop' detected.]
[Initiator: Rosette Astaria. Motive: Yandere Sabotage.]
[Status: Active conflict trigger.]
[Warning: MULTIPLE YANDERES ARE APPROACHING RAPIDLY.]
[System Tip: Pretend to be dead.]
Too late.
Drakana landed first.
With a crash, the half-dragon war goddess slammed into the courtyard, cratering the flagstones as molten heat danced around her.
"Why," she growled, eyes narrowing to golden slits, "is she wearing his scent?"
Emilia blinked. "Oh, is it scented? I thought that was just how he smelled—"
BANG.
An explosion of holy light erupted next as Lilia appeared, flanked by twelve of her cult's fanatical underclassmen, all waving holy relics and plastic husband pillows.
She pointed a jeweled staff at Emilia.
"Heretic! You dare desecrate the sacred Husband Robe?!"
"Guys," Rei started, backing away slowly, "this is a misunderstanding—"
"Darling~"
A gust of perfume heralded Seraphina, who emerged with a stack of monogrammed towels.
"I was going to surprise you with a bath! But I see someone already claimed your clothing."
Her eyes glowed with infernal royalty.
From the shadows, a hand rose, holding a notepad.
It was Rosette, of course. The word "Phase One Complete" was written in precise handwriting.
Then, with her other hand, she calmly flipped open a mirror and angled it toward the other girls.
Each one paused for half a second.
They saw it. Emilia wearing Rei's shirt, Smiling.
A ripple of psychic yandere energy exploded outward like a magical EMP.
Half the student body collapsed from the pressure.
A nearby squirrel turned albino from shock.
Rei did the only sensible thing.
He ran.
Fifteen minutes later, Rei was hiding inside a first-year summoning classroom that had been abandoned due to "pocket dimension rat problems."
He sat under a desk, clutching a cold compress, with the [System] gently humming like a sarcastic lullaby.
[System Update: War Status = Declared.]
[Factions: Lilia (Religious), Seraphina (Royal), Drakana (Militant), Rosette (Stealth), Sylvette (Missing In Action??)]
[Emilia Affection = 41%. Yandere Rage Threshold = 40%. Current Status: Overheated.]
"Why is this happening," Rei whispered. "It was just a shirt."
[System Remark: You say that, but her neckline was unbuttoned. That's basically a marriage proposal in Yandere Terms & Conditions.]
Suddenly, the desk above him creaked.
He froze.
A head popped under the desk.
It was Emilia.
"Oh good," she said brightly. "I found you!"
"HOW?!" Rei yelped.
"Oh, Rosette gave me a list of your top five hiding spots. She's so considerate!"
Rei paled. "That's… nice."
She handed him a new cookie.
This one was shaped like a heart. It said "I ❤️ PEACE."
It tasted like doom.
"I was thinking," Emilia said, "maybe we should go shopping after school? You know… for replacement clothes. I'll buy you one to match!"
Rei stared at her.
There was something dangerous about her smile.
Too balanced.
Too normal.
Almost like…
She was winning.
[System Alert: New Status Effect Gained — "Homewrecker by Accident"]
[Yandere Synchronization Level: Critical.]
Outside the bunker, an explosion rocked the walls.
A voice bellowed: "SURRENDER THE SHIRT!"
"Never!" came a cultist's cry. "We must defend our Holy Relic!"
"Girls," another voice hissed, "if we kill each other now, she wins!"
Then Rosette's voice: calm, deadly.
"…Initiating Phase Two."
By sunset, the Royal Academy courtyard looked like a war zone.
Charred banners flapped in the breeze.
A statue of Rei had been erected (by Lilia's cult), then defaced (by Drakana), then magically enchanted to spout love poetry (by Seraphina), then set on fire (by itself, somehow).
In the center stood Emilia, now wearing a modest borrowed uniform from the nurse's office.
She looked bewildered.
"I just wanted to return the shirt," she said honestly.
"You tainted it," Lilia hissed.
"You sniffed it," Drakana countered.
"You folded it," Seraphina accused.
"You exist," Rosette wrote, underlining it twice.
"I'm sorry," Emilia said.
"…Are you?" all five wives demanded simultaneously.
[System Notification: New Event Unlocked — "Academy Civil War: Shirt Edition"]
[Quest Update: Survive Until Dinnertime.]
[Reward: A fresh shirt. Maybe.]
Back in his dorm (what was left of it), Rei sat on a cot in borrowed pajamas.
Emilia had apologized again.
The shirt had been washed, ironed, and sealed in a magical containment box labeled "Forbidden Relic."
Peace, for now, had returned.
Until tomorrow.
[System Remark: Today's casualties: 3 statues, 1 Headmaster's wig, and 47 muffins.]
[Next Predicted Disaster: Potion Class with group partners. Good luck!]
Rei faceplanted into his pillow.
Spy-chan, Rosette's enchanted pillow construct, beeped in comfort.
To be continued…