It was a normal day at the Royal Magic Academy.
Which, in Rei's tragic life, meant the birds were whispering assassination plans, the breakfast toast was likely cursed, and his textbooks had been replaced by annotated murder diaries. Again.
Still, for once, things were… quiet.
No blade to the throat. No lecture from the Goddess of Unhelpful Guidance. No angry yandere wives swinging warhammers over a spilled teacup.
Just peaceful silence.
Naturally, that meant disaster was imminent.
Location: Royal Academy Garden Path, 11:14 AM
Rei walked beside Emilia under the soft morning sun. She was humming.
Humming.
Like someone who wasn't plotting to shank her lab partner.
It was deeply suspicious.
Rei side-eyed her like a man who'd survived six assassination attempts and at least one romantic group ambush in a bathhouse.
"…You're very calm today," he said cautiously.
Emilia smiled sweetly. "I've been reflecting."
[System Suspicion Level: MAXIMUM.]
"Reflecting on what?" Rei asked, keeping at least two steps of yandere-safe distance between them.
"You," she replied.
Rei tripped over a garden root and nearly faceplanted into a rose bush.
[System Alert: Host stability compromised.]
[Recalibrating equilibrium sensors…]
[Processing romance-related trauma…]
[Error: Traumatic Flashback Limit Reached.]
He straightened, brushing leaves from his face. "M-Me?"
Emilia nodded, hands behind her back, her uniform fluttering lightly in the breeze. "Yeah. I've been thinking…"
Her tone was serious. Focused. Not sugar-sweet. Not bashful. Just… real.
"Rei," she said, "I think you're kind of amazing."
Silence.
Birds stopped chirping.
The wind froze.
A squirrel dramatically fainted from a tree.
Rei stood like a statue, blinking slowly. Then faster. Then slower again. His brain had entered buffering mode.
[System Alert: Emotion overload.]
[System Alert: Cognitive paralysis detected.]
[System Error: Cannot compute sincerity from non-yandere female.]
And then—
[System: SHUTTING DOWN.]
Ping!
[———]
System: Offline.
System: Dead inside.
Three Seconds Later
Rei crumpled to the ground with the grace of a collapsing puppet. Face-first into a patch of daisies.
Emilia blinked. "…Rei?"
She knelt beside him.
"Rei?! Oh my gods, did I break you?"
[System Rebooting...]
[Booting from Emergency Fluster Recovery Mode...]
[Emergency Protocol 66 Activated: Initiate Sarcasm Stabilizer.]
Ping!
[System Online.]
[Welcome back, idiot.]
Rei slowly opened one eye.
Then both.
He was staring up into Emilia's concerned face, haloed by sunlight. Her fingertips hovered just above his cheek, hesitant.
"…Did you just call me amazing?" he croaked.
"I—w-well—kind of?" she stammered, now fully red-faced. "I didn't mean to blurt it like that, it just slipped out because I thought you were being, y'know, sweet and brave and—ACK—"
Rei sat up too fast. Their foreheads bumped.
Thunk.
They both recoiled in synchronized panic.
"I-It's not like I meant it that way!" Emilia waved her hands. "I mean, maybe I did? But not in a crazy way—oh no, now I sound like your wives—"
[System Commentary: Congratulations. You've unlocked "Flustered Normie" Mode.]
[Achievement Unlocked: 💘 "Accidental Confession Heard at 99% Volume."]
[System Analysis: This level of sincerity is highly illegal in your current romantic biome.]
Rei stared at her, heart hammering like a war drum.
For a moment, he remembered what normal romance looked like. No death threats. No possessive contracts in blood. No dagger-in-the-wedding-cake.
Just a simple, honest compliment.
"Emilia…" he began.
A vine exploded behind them.
"FOUND YOU!"
Drakana crashed through the hedges, wings flaring and eyes glowing like an enraged wyvern in heat. She skidded to a halt, saw Emilia's hand hovering dangerously close to Rei's shirt, and snarled.
"Hands. Off. My. Man."
Seraphina appeared from thin air, dressed in her dueling corset. "She confessed, didn't she? I felt it in my soul."
Vivienne drifted from the shadows like a cursed curtain. "Her aura is glowing. She's entering the second phase. We must act."
Lilia fell from a tree with a somersault and a fireball in her hand. "GET THE CHASTITY CUFFS!"
Emilia shrieked and ducked.
Rei ran.
Location: Rei's "Safe Space" Closet – Five Minutes Later
He slammed the door. Barricaded it with a chair. Cast three beginner-level protection wards and one advanced "Stay Away From My Everything" seal taught to him by Rosette after her fifth blood pact.
His breathing came in short, terrified huffs.
[System Reminder: You've just been normally confessed to.]
[This is unprecedented.]
[Also, your life expectancy has dropped by 48%.]
There was a knock.
"Rei?" came Emilia's muffled voice. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to cause chaos!"
The sound of something exploding in the background countered her statement beautifully.
Drakana bellowed. "NORMAL GIRL DETECTED. INITIATING DRAGON CLAW DUEL SEQUENCE."
Emilia's voice: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"
Rei screamed into a pillow.
[System Suggestion: Play dead.]
Later That Day: System Therapy Room
[System Therapist: Dr. MEEP]
[Species: Imaginary Support Chicken]
[Specialty: Delusions of Normalcy Recovery]
Dr. Meep: "So Rei, tell me how it felt to be complimented by someone sane."
Rei: "Like my soul had a stroke."
Dr. Meep: "Understandable."
Meanwhile: The Yandere Council (Emergency Convocation)
Rosette stood at the head of the bloody chalkboard. "She's advanced. Faster than we anticipated."
Lilia nodded. "That compliment was nuclear-level."
Vivienne whispered, "There's a new scent on him. Something… vanilla-sincere."
Seraphina scowled. "Next thing you know she'll want to hold hands."
The room gasped.
Rosette narrowed her eyes. "Then there's no time. Operation 'Backhanded Compliment Blitzkrieg' begins now."
Next Morning:
Rei opened his locker.
A pile of notes fell out.
"Your face is okay, I guess." – Lilia
"You didn't totally embarrass yourself in sword class. Well done, human." – Drakana
"I'd murder someone slightly slower if you asked me nicely." – Rosette
"You're better than poisoned tea." – Vivienne
"I might kiss you in your sleep. Accidentally." – Seraphina
He screamed into his backpack.
Emilia appeared beside him. "Rei? Are you okay?"
He turned slowly.
She held up a handmade lunch. "You're… still kind of amazing, by the way."
[System Alert: 💘 Emotional overload re-engaged.]
[System Status: Fainting in 3… 2… 1…]
Thud.
Rei collapsed.
Emilia blinked. "Did I do it again?!"
Rosette, watching from a rooftop, sighed. "He has the romantic tolerance of a fainting goat."
To be continued…