The League wanted peace. Elias brought a podcast of pain.
Scene 1: Watchtower Cafeteria – Day 24
Elias bursts in, wearing a t-shirt that says:
"NERFED BUT NOT MUTE"
He's dragging a whiteboard.
Elias:
"Alright everyone! Welcome to the first official roast of the Justice League—sponsored by my boredom, my broken suppression collar, and Flash's browser history."
Flash (choking on cereal): "Dude—!"
Elias (writing on board):
"Top 10 Reasons the Justice League Wouldn't Last a Day in the MCU"
#10: Batman vs Iron Man
Elias:
"Two billionaires. One uses his money to punch crime. The other? Builds time machines and has a kid with a talking robot."
"Meanwhile, Bruce here still can't fund Gotham therapy."
Batman's eye twitches.
Elias (offhand):
"Also, Tony Stark would absolutely out-snark you in a TED Talk."
#9: Wonder Woman vs Captain Marvel
Elias (mock serious):
"Both powerful women. Both immortal vibes. But only one can fly through spaceships like they're made of paper."
"Diana still needs a plane... that's invisible. Like her internet presence."
Diana: "You're testing me."
Elias:
"Please do. I'd love to be strangled by 3,000-year-old judgment."
#8: Flash vs Quicksilver
Elias (grinning):
"Barry moves fast. But Pietro died faster."
Flash: "Too soon!"
Elias:
"Tell that to your writers—your character arc hasn't moved in six seasons."
#7: Martian Manhunter vs Vision
Elias:
"Both are aliens who talk like Shakespeare failed social studies. One died for love. The other hides in walls and judges people."
"Seriously, J'onn. You've been in the ceiling like a haunted Roomba."
#6: Aquaman vs Namor
Elias:
"One rides sharks. The other wears wings on his ankles. Let's just admit they both look like background dancers for Jason Momoa's failed rock band."
Aquaman (growling): "You want a trident where?"
Elias:
"Please. That thing's just Poseidon's toothpick. Chill."
Scene 2: Elias Builds a "Museum of Heroic Hypocrisy"
He creates a League Museum in a hologram room — full of displays that parody the heroes.
• Batman Exhibit: "Parental Trauma: The Collection"
• Superman Exhibit: "Cape & Privilege: A God's Guide to Sadness"
• Wonder Woman Exhibit: "Diplomacy with a Side of Beheading"
• Flash Exhibit: "Speed Dating, Literally"
• Aquaman Exhibit: "Moist and Angry – The Memoir"
Elias (in tour guide voice):
"Over here we have the 'I swear I'm not a god' section. Please bow respectfully and ignore their contradictions."
Scene 3: Private Moment – Diana Tries to Confront Him
Wonder Woman: "Why do you push so hard?"
Elias (pauses, unusually serious):
"Because all of you pretend you're above breaking.
Above humor. Above being mocked.
But you're not."
He leans closer.
Elias:
"If a few jokes crack your egos…
how the hell are you supposed to face gods that want to break your souls?"
Scene 4: Elias vs Superman – Again
Clark walks into the lounge.
Elias is doing impersonations using sock puppets.
Elias (holding two socks):
"Hi, I'm Superman! I'm perfect, moral, and my only weakness is rocks and emotions!"
Clark: "Enough."
Elias:
"Why? Truth, justice, and the Kryptonian way not strong enough to handle puppets?"
Clark grabs him by the collar.
Elias (grinning):
"Oooo. Big blue's finally mad. That mean you'll write me a speech or throw me through another moon?"
Clark (gritting teeth): "Why do you act like this?"
Elias (serious again):
"Because it's fun...
and because when I stop joking—someone dies."
Clark slowly lets go. That lands harder than a punch.
Scene 5: Elias Alone Again – Reviewing System
He pulls up his system.
[Suppression Ends in: 6 Days]
[Mockery Multiplier: 120%]
[Ego Break Probability: Batman - 47%, Flash - 76%, Aquaman - 91%]
He laughs softly.
Elias (to himself):
"Deadpool got regeneration. I got retaliation.
He breaks the fourth wall...
I break the team."
Final Moment: Elias Looks at Earth
A quiet moment, again.
He whispers:
"Soon. No more jokes. No more leash."
Then grins.
"Until then…
I'm gonna make the gods cry."